Monthly Archives: September 2009

Week 3 Recap

Welcome to the UFL!

I would classify week 3 of the fantasy football season at bizarre. Kevin Kolb and Mark Sanchez outscored the likes of Brees, Brady and Warner. Fred Taylor, Correll Buckhalter and Ricky Williams netted more points than Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson and Clinton Portis. Bryant Johnson, Andre Caldwell and Sidney Rice topped Calvin Johnson, Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald.

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?!

Travelin’ Fools 82, The Negotiators 80 – Adrian Peterson blew this one for the adjudicators. Nine points versus the Niners? Terrible. Steven Jackson rose from the dead and Peyton humiliated another defense to pace the excursionists. Fools have won two straight, while Negotiators drop their second in a row.

Savage Animal 82, Steelcats 72 – The defending champs avoid the dreaded 0-3 start. Shady McCoy and Jerricho Cotchery combined for 30. Nate Kaeding had more points than Drew Brees. What? I seriously doubt the Saint signal caller will have a worse week this season.

Blind Monkeys 78, Lame Excuses 50 – Despite Frank Gore’s early exit on Sunday, the groping primates easily dispatched the poor explanations. Matt Schaub led the way with 24. The Big Johnsons went flaccid and mustered a meager 17 points. Monkeys remain unbeaten.

Furry Beasts 77, Arkansas PurtyMouths 61 – The pig fornicators rolled the dice by starting the Giants’ backfield and was rewarded with 25 points. Too bad they also pegged Byron Leftwich to be their QB. Oops. The soft and fluffy critters got their first win thanks to 31 from Wayne and the ‘Boys defense.

Syracuse ManahManah 108, Veronica 65 – MJD, Mark Sanchez and DJax took turns pounding Veronica all day long. It was more disturbing than The Accused. Pierre Thomas was the only one to put up a fight. ‘Cuse have rebounded from opening week boo boos.

Argentina Mistresses 92, Walker’s Talkers 50 – The below the equator concubines continue to flaunt their dominance in front of the rest of the Gulfman league. Reborn stud Willis McGahee ripped off 18 and the Patriots footie booted 14. The orators backfield of Davis and Jones took a giant three point dump.

And then there was one. The PurtyMouths quest to become this season’s Detroit Lions is alive and well. Meanwhile, the Monkeys and Mistresses remain perfect. It’s hardware time:

Happy Clowns


Peyton Manning – I’ve reached the conclusion that Peyton Manning knows something the rest of the NFL quarterbacks don’t. Watching him effortlessly dissect a defense is both informative and entertaining. Take away Marvin Harrison. No big deal. 379 yards and four touchdowns is just another typical Manning outing. He also threw a pick, which I’m certain was not his fault. Whoever is responsible for this interception needs to be cut immediately. Nobody makes Peyton look bad without repercussion.

Maurice Jones-Drew – I’ve reached the conclusion that the Texans defense is really bad. The best hyphenated name in the game shredded the men in red for three scores and 147 total yards. I would suggest if you own a runner facing the Texans balsa wood D-FENCE you insert him into your starting lineup pronto. Darren McFadden? You are next in line.

Santana Moss – Lost amid the not-so shocking Redskins loss to the cowardly Lions was Santana Moss delivering his annual anomaly to the fantasy football community. His 178 yards and a touchdown will convince some of his owners that he’s a viable starter. The smart owner will find a receiver-hungry trade partner and unload Moss’s underachieving ass because his value will never be higher.

Honorable mention: His name is DeSean Jackson. You better recognize he is here to stay. No other player in league history has recorded three touchdowns of 60+ yards in the first three games of an NFL season. He had a career best 149 yards on Sunday. That 149 won’t last long.

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Sad Clowns


Drew Brees – Nine points? Against the Bills? Really, Drew? Just when I was about to declare Brees the leader of a new race of Supermen, he proves he’s human. Oh, well. Maybe next week.

DeAngelo Williams – The Panthers have serious issues. Their quarterback gets paid by the interception and Julius Peppers forgot how to sack the quarterback. Well, add 2008 touchdown leader DeAngelo Williams to this ever-growing list of problems. The most glaring stat when it comes to Williams is 41 carries in three games. He toted the rock 274 times in ’08; he’s on pace to get only 218 carries this year. I would suggest John Fox start getting the ball to him more.

Calvin Johnson – This is more an indictment on Matt Stafford and the Lions’ playcallers. Five catches for 49 yards stinks, but more concerning is the fact Johnson was targeted only seven times versus the Skins. Ochocinco was targeted 11 times; Fitzgerald 13; hell, even Nate Burleson got 12 looks. You have to throw the ball to Megatron for him to be effective.

The French Invasion

French guy

It’s one thing when the French spout their socialistic drivel, but it’s another issue altogether when they begin infiltrating the American institution that is pro football. There are not one, but two guys named Pierre spreading their evil nonsense in the NFL. Pierre Thomas rushed for 126 yards and a pair of sixers versus the Bills. Pierre Garcon grabbed three Manning arcs for 64 yards and a score. This is disturbing on many levels. The French cannot be trusted. I’m not ready to start calling for boycotts and internment camps, but if souffle and sorbet start showing up at tailgates, the gloves are coming off.

The Goal Line Goblin


I apologize for the horrible photoshop. I was in a hurry. At any rate, Willis McGahee has scored six touchdowns on 38 touches. He is becoming the 2009 version of the 2008 LenDale White, minus the fat stomach. I accept all the credit for McGahee’s resurrection. He doth took offense to me calling him a wasted pick and washed up.

It’s Always Gloomy in Buffalo


I’m awestruck that the house of cards in Buffalo is already toppling. On the heels of snapping his 185 consecutive game streak with a reception, TO has unleashed a Twitter campaign of terror on Rodney Harrison, accusing the NBC mouth of using steroids while playing. Apparently, Harrison had the audacity to call Owens a “clown” during the broadcast abortion known as Football Night in America. For shame! On the bright side, Owens has yet to throw Trent Edwards into the wood chipper, but it’s only a matter of time before he does. Speaking of wood chippers:

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Mrs. Jeff Garcia


In honor of Jeff Garcia’s most recent release, I think it only appropriate to give his lovely wife her due. Carmella DeCesare is proof that Italians and Puerto Ricans should procreate on a regular basis. I still can’t figure out how Garcia pulled this coup. Yeah, he’s an NFL quarterback, but we’re talkin’ about Jeff Garcia, not Golden Boy Brady. I bow to you Jeff Garcia.

Sayonora week 3. Just chill, til the next episode. Stud out.


5 Card Stud


I’m an idiot. And not just because I drafted a team of underachieving douchebags. No, I’m a fool because it took me three effing weeks to come up with an appropriate title for this weekly segment.

Hello, Scott!! You named the gosh darn site Stud Running Back. Therefore, when selecting your five studs for the week (only one of which is real), wouldn’t it make sense to go with… I dunno… 5 Card Stud?

Yeah, I dig that. It’s cool because there’s one card down, which represents the guy I like for the week. Pure. Genius.

Yeah, you’re a real Nikola Tesla.

Shut the hell up, inner voice. I don’t need you insulting me.

You suck.

Stop it.

Go screw, loser.

That’s not cool.

Neither are you, bozo.

Did you just call me bozo?

That was lame. Sorry.

I think it’s time you went away.

Yeah, probably a good idea.

Bye, bye.

Bye… asshole.

You just gotta have the last word.


Inner voices can be such dicks. Where was I? Studs of the week. Right. Last week’s pick was Lee Evans. 1 catch for 32 yards. At least it was for a touchdown. I expected more, but it’s Lee Evans. Remember, he blows chunks most weeks. Onward and upward. Here are the week 3 studs:

5) Mark Clayton – Clayton is a big play guy. The Browns statistically rank 7th versus the pass and 31st against the run. Should be a great day for Rice and McGahee. Which is exactly why I’m taking Clayton. Flacco hits him early with a deep ball. 5 catches, 88 yards and a touch.

4) Jason Campbell – If this stiff is going to display a pulse, this will be the week. The toothless Lions allow a league worst 36 points per game. Campbell has a nice day, then returns to sucking next week, which will lead to his inevitable benching by week six. 278 yards and 2 TDs.

3) Mark Sanchez – The Titans rank dead last versus the pass. Matty Schaub shredded them a week ago after Big Ben dismantled them on opening night. The kid’s alright in the Big Apple. 288 yards and 3 TDs.

2) LeSean McCoy – Surprise, surprise, Brian Westbrook is already hurt. He’ll play on Sunday, but he’ll stink. The future is now in Philly. That future’s name is Shady. 105 total yards and a sixer.

1) Tim Hightower – The Colts don’t have Bob Sanders. Without Sanders, they can’t stop the run. See Ronnie Brown last Monday night. Timmy Tower is running and catching. Get him in your lineups. 135 total yards and a score.

I’ll admit it. My first two studs shat the bed. Not this week my friends. I am fully confident my guy will produce. If I had a reputation, I’d stake it on my guy. Oh, well.

Today’s musical offering takes us all the way back to 1978. I was still riding my big wheel around the dining room table, but I know some of you were sporting bell bottoms and feathered hair. Time for a trip down memory lane with a little band called Styx. Enjoy.

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Week 2 Recap

I wonder if Gisele is naked right now?

Week 2 of the 2009 campaign was all about points. Fourteen teams racked 26 or more this weekend. Leading the way were the vaunted Saints, who followed up last week’s 45 by hanging 48 on the clipped Eagles. We had a 400 yard passer, a 200 yard rusher, three 140+ yard wideouts and tight end who registered the fourth highest yardage total in NFL history for his position. If you were fortunate enough to own any of these gents, you are smiling wide today. If not, you are doing the walk of shame.

Travelin’ Fools 82, Savage Animal 61 – A rematch of last year’s finals came down to the Monday night affair. 46 combined from Peyton and Wildcat Ronnie was more than enough to tame Savage. The reigning champs are reeling at 0-2. The foul odor emanating from their roster is growing quite pungent.

Blind Monkeys 124, Steelcats 78 – The deadly combo of Schaub and Gore shredded the Drew Brees led Cats. Schaub tossed four scores while Gore topped 200 yards and added two sixers. Steel City didn’t stand a chance in this one.

Lame Excuses 125, The Negotiators 85 – The Lame ones sure do have some big Johnsons. Chris and Andre punished the Dealmakers to the tune of 71 total points. They alone would have defeated Savage, Arkansas and the Talkers this week. Yowza! Surprisingly, AP was held in check by the cowardly Lions.

Veronica 102, Furry Beasts 73 – Carson Palmer and Marques Colston were busts in ’08. Best way to shake a bad rep is partner up for 45 points. Clinton Portis is killing the Beasts. How he mustered only 79 yards against the Lambs is puzzling.

Syracuse ManahManah 82, Walker’s Talkers 67 – Despite losing two starters in week 1, the ‘Cuse rebounded nicely thanks to a pair of NFC East receivers. DeSean and the other Steve Smith totaled 36. Walker’s boisterous bunch were doomed by a backfield that netted a meager 11 points.

Argentina Mistresses 100, Arkansas PurtyMouths 61 – The Jackson Two paced the Mistresses with 38, while the PurtyMouths’ rotund backfield of Jacobs and White posted 7. The Evitas move to 2-0, while the backwoods rapists drop to 0-2. 

Four teams topped 100+  points in victory. Nice. The strong are beginning to separate themselves from the weak. Now is the time on Stud Running Back when we dance hand out awards.

Happy Clowns


Chris Johnson –Why the likes of Steven Jackson and LT were drafted ahead of Chrissy Johnson is a mystery. If you needed further evidence as to the Coach’s Dream’s talent, exhibit A was on display Sunday: 16/197/2 and 9/87/1. I’m still convinced a few of the Texans defenders have Johnson on their fantasy teams. How else do you explain leaving him uncovered on a go route? Oops!

Frank Gore –I’ve never been a huge Gore fan, but after watching him dissect the suspect Seawhawks defense, I’m beginning to soften my stance on the ex-Hurricane. Rushing for 207 yards isn’t an easy thing to do in the NFL. Since he’s the only viable option in the Niners arsenal, I would anticipate a few more monstrous outings for Frank.

Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson – These guys showed a glimpse of what they are capable of last season. On Sunday, they flat out embarrassed a Titans secondary stocked with three Pro Bowlers. Matty rocked the house with 357 passing yards and four scores. AJ snagged ten balls for 149 yards and two touchdowns. The Titans have allowed back-to-back 300 yard passers to start ’09. Peyton Manning owners must be salivating.

Honorable mention: Dallas Clark had more receiving yards on Monday night (183) than the entire Dallas team (127) did on Sunday night. That should put into perspective how impressive his performance was. Even more impressive is the fact that he accomplished this feat in less than 14 minutes of offensive possession. Amazing.

Sad Clowns


Tony Romo – It’s hard to feel sorry for Romo when he bangs nothing but choice chicks. Actually, I enjoy watching the dude fold under pressure. It must suck being a Cowpokes fan knowing it’s only a matter of time before their quarterback gags away another win in the NFC East. 127 yards and three picks are horrid numbers. I imagine that’s not what Leatherface Jones had in mind for his billion dollar home opener.

Tom Brady – The Golden Boy laid a giant egg on Sunday versus the Jets. 216 yards and one interception are not up to snuff for Mr. Bundchen. Belichick had better start cheating waving his magic wand soon, or the mighty Pats could be in for a long season.

Clinton Portis – Julius Jones gashed the Lambs defense in week 1, so it was safe to assume a stud like Portis would have a huge day. Right? Wrong! 19 carries for 79 yards and ZERO touchdowns is an effing joke. The ‘Skins offense is painful to watch. Words like inept and dysfunctional aren’t powerful enough to describe how putrid they look. Does rancid work?

Matt Forte – As a Forte owner, I am a little concerned. When the other Adrian Peterson is being rotated in on a regular basis, that’s a bad sign. 38 carries for 84 yards and 0 scores is a problem. Even more distressing is the fact that he’s been targeted only 7 times in two games. He caught 64 passes last season. Hey Cutler! It’s called a checkdown. You might want to add that to your repertoire instead of forcing the ball over the middle twenty times a game.

Sex Panther of the Week – Greg Jennings



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Crow Tastes Yummy


I missed the boat on a couple players in my post draft comments. I wrote the following about Willis McGahee:

He is now the third best option in the Ravens backfield. This was a wasted pick. The Mistresses could have had Bradshaw or even James Davis.

Through two games, Willis has scored four touchdowns and accumulated 164 total yards in part-time duty. I’m still waiting for him to suffer his customary 4-6 week injury, but so far he’s making me look stupid.

Here’s my assessment of the other Steve Smith:

Any Giants receiver drafted is destined to suck.

Really, Scott? 16 grabs for 214 yards and a sixer sounds pretty good. Not to mention, Mario Manningham has racked 13 catches for 208 yards and dos touchdowns. Maybe the Bucs and Cowboys secondaries are just awful, or maybe the Giants knew something the rest of us fools didn’t.

Mrs. Chris Cooley


Chris Cooley is a pretty cool cat. He once burned a dead cow found on his property in Wyoming. He was also crafty enough to bag himself a cheerleader to wed. I bet they’re hit at parties. Chris and Christy… how cute. I really like the above picture. There’s something very satisfying about a hot topless woman laying in a pile of panties. Who’s with me?

I’m closing the books on week 2. My team blows, but that’s okay. I have another fake squad crushing. Stud out.

The Fab Five


Shit, I’m old. I remember the first game the Michigan Fab Five played. Not to mention my shoulder keeps popping every time I raise my arm above my head. Is that normal for a 36-year-old? Maybe for an ex-fireball pitcher or one of those aircraft carrier flag guys, but not for some poor schlub who has spent the better part of his life sitting on his ass staring at a fu**ing computer screen. Must be from my college tennis days. Yes, I played tennis, although only so I could get close to a cute brunette named Colleen. Think Natalie Portman, minus the pre-teen boyish body. Let’s just say I served up aces both on and off the court. ZIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!

I could go on and on recounting my co-ed escapades, like the time I dropped an upper-decker in my neighbor’s commode, but that’s for another day. I’m supposed to talk fantasy football, so without further ado, here are this week’s top 5 studs. (Note: Since I’m competing with you jackals for cash and prizes, only 1 of these gentleman is the guy that I really love. The other four clowns are decoys. Although, last week you could hardly distinguish because they all shat the bed. Ahem. It was TJ Houshmandzadeh. Six grabs for 48 yards is… uh… I think you know.)

Enough tangents. Here are stud’s studs for week 2:

5) Clinton Portis – You know, 16 carries for 62 yards against a stout Giants D is respectable. Unless you’re a Portis owner. Well, don’t throw ol’ Southside Jerome down a flight of stairs just yet. He draws the Rams this week. Can we just rename the Rams the Lambs and move on? C’mon, who the eff gets shutout in today’s NFL? At any rate, Clinton will smoke the softies like a cigar shoved up Lewinsky’s — whoa… sorry, family website, folks. 110 yards and a sixer.

4) Santonio Holmes – The Bears are an abysmal team. Now they are without Brian Urlacher for the remainder of the 2009 campaign. Hmm… more pressure on bad-haired Jay sounds like a recipe for apocalypse. Did you see what Greg Jennings did to Nathan Vasher last Sunday night? What-up-Holmes will provide an encore. 95 yards and a touch.

3) Lee Evans – This will be the only time all season I recommend Deep Lee. I’ve never owned this jackass because he’s more unpredictable than an Obama policy (that was for you, BOB). This week, against a putrid Bucs’ secondary, Evans will be strong like bull. 117 yards and a score.

2) Brian Westbrook – Smell that? It’s the foul stench pouring from Kevin Kolb’s armpits. My advice to Big Red this week: hand the damn ball to 36; throw the damn ball to 36; have 36 throw the damn ball to himself. Just don’t let Kev drop back, survey the defense, fumble the ball, pick it back up, trip, gather himself, then throw an interception. It’s a B-West game. 135 total yards and 2 TDs.

1) Jason Witten – Did you know that Mr. Witten has had 70+ yards in three of his last four games versus Big Blue? Of course you didn’t, that’s why I’m here. Information is power, people. Get with the program. Conform or die. If you’re not with me, you’re… you get the picture. 7 catches, 96 yards, 1 TD.

Before I disappear into the vast darkness of the Interwebs, I leave you with a musical offering. I think it’s appropriate for all us fantasy ballers. Have a glorious week 2. Stud out.

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Week 1 Recap

Welcome to the NFC, kid.

The opening week of the 2009 NFL season didn’t disappoint. The Titans and Steelers staged a fantastic finish to kick things off last Thursday, and the Monday night double-header put a scintillating capper on things. Eight games were decided by 6 points or less. The other eight contests were blowouts. Now that’s what I call parity.

The Negotiators 87, Savage Animal 73: Two letters: AP. Difficult to negotiate a victory when the league’s best runner unleashes 37 points. Savage was declawed in this one. Forte and White both took steaming dumps.

Blind Monkeys 82, Travelin’ Fools 67: Backfield of Benson and Gore saw their way to a win. Meanwhile, Jackson and Brown were running on empty (music joke). Both of last year’s finalists open the season with a L.

Steelcats 88, Lame Excuses 85: Drew Brees is really good. Helps that he played the toothless Lions, but I would anticipate a couple more 35 point games. The lame ones were paced by a frenzied Eagles D that netted 27. Not enough.

Veronica 76, Arkansas PurtyMouths 53: The stink of LT once again suffocated the PurtyMouths. That’s what they get for drafting a guy who is no longer a stud. Veronica looked and played like the girl next door. Cute and bubbly, not hot and sexy.

Walker’s Talkers 110, Furry Beasts 71: The woodshed game of the week. Romo and Thomas Jones I get, but Jeremy Shockey? Beasts got goose eggs from both Greg Olsen and Dallas D. Ugh.

Argentina Mistresses 81, Syracuse ManahManah 62: Tom Brady made it through a Sunday without tearing another ligament. His 24 points secured the win for the cheating South Americans. The ‘Cuse are the early favorites to become the All-IR Team. McNabb and Anthony G both went down. Not good.

Overall, a very low scoring week 1. Hopefully, things will pick up soon. Time to hand out some hardware.

The Lethal Weapons – AP and Brees


The best fantasy runner and thrower both blew up. Shocking. The Browns and Lions really should be banned from the NFL. Watching them attempt to play defense is like the first time I saw Blazing Saddles and The Holy Grail. Laughs o plenty. To be fair, Adrian and Drew are capable of embarrassing most teams, not just the awful ones.

The Twin Fairies – Turner and Forte

twin-fairiesThese two pansies combined for 120 yards on 47 carries. Pathetic. When you’re trying to shake the rep as being one-year wonders, taking a dive on the first Sunday won’t do much to ease concerns. Turner resorted to his 2008 tricks of getting shutdown by a quality defense. As for Forte, well, bad-haired Jay didn’t help the dude by tossing four interceptions.

Reggie Wayne is Batman


If I was smart, I would draft Reggie Wayne every year. He is the model of consistency. Ten catches for 162 yards and a touchdown was more than enough to defeat the “Jokers” of Jacksonville. It’s unclear whether the injury to Anthony G will hurt or help Wayne’s future gains, but getting targeted 15 times a game sounds like a good thing.

The Three Amigos – Watson, Carlson and Shockey


You can always tell offenses aren’t quite in sync when tight ends dominate opening weekend. 16 catches for 203 yards and 6 TDs from this trio. WTF!!! I doubt this trend will continue, but that won’t stop owners from placing bids on both Watson and Carlson.

The New Gal in Town


Tony Romo may crumble like stale cookies in December, but the dude sure knows how to pick blond bombshells to bang. First it was the adorable Carrie Underwood. Next, it was chesty Jessica Simpson. Now, it’s former Miss Missouri and current Dallas TV skank reporter Candice Crawford. For my money, she’s the best of the bunch. At least the dunderhead Cowpokes fans have a new scapegoat to blame when Romo flops again.

I have crossed all the T’s and dotted all the I’s on week 1. Stud signing off.

Five Alive for Week 1

five_aliveOf all the fruity drinks I imbibed as a youngster, Five Alive was by far my favorite. It was similar to orange juice, but with a berry kick.

Tang blew chunks. Who the hell wanted to be an astronaut anyway? It was so 1970s.

Capri Sun left a nasty aftertaste, especially the orange flavor.

Sunny Delight should have been sold in a gasoline can. It had the consistency of paint and tasted like ground up Flintstones vitamins. Basically, it was shit. Those annoying commercials featuring a kitchen full of kiddies representing all races and creeds didn’t help sell me on it, either. Like this one:

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Ugh. If only life was as simple as a Sunny D ad.

Time to talk Fantasy pigskin. Here are the Week 1 Five Alive according to Stud Running Back: (We skip the obvious names, because AP destroying the Browns and Fitzy skewering the 49ers are givens.)

5) Carson Palmer – The Broncos have issues and not just on offense. Palmer appears recovered from the elbow difficulties that plagued him a year ago. With a trio of excellent pass catchers at his disposal, look for him to air it out in front of the home crowd. 285 yards and 2 TDs sounds about right.

4) Lance Moore – The Saints like to throw the ball. Sean Payton and Drew Brees would probably prefer to chuck it on every down. Unfortunately, they have to justify spending the #2 overall pick on a 5’10” Band-Aid named Reggie Bush by handing him the ball for 10 or 12 two-yard runs per game. Nevertheless, Lance will hang a 100 and a touch on the hapless Lions.

3) T.J. Houshmandzadeh – The Seahawks did themselves a huge favor by signing the reliable Housh. With broken down wideouts like Nate Burelson and Deion Branch stealing cash by the minute, T.J. will be the chief benefactor. His debut with the Hawks will go swimmingly. Expect eight or nine grabs with a trip for six.

2) Greg Olsen – Jay Cutler’s new best friend, at least on the field. Olsen will be a top 5 tight end in 2009 and he’ll kick things off right versus the Pack. The Green Bay linebackers are still learning the ins-and-outs of the 3-4 alignment, which will enable Olsen to feast on them. I foresee 75+ yards and a touchdown.

1) Ronnie Brown – Wildcat Ronnie should be more of a runner this season. He is now over 18 months removed from a torn ACL, which means his quickness is back. The Falcons D is a sham. Brown will torch them on the ground and through the air. 120 total yards and a score is within reach.

Good luck this weekend. You’ll need it.

The Gulfman Memorial League Draft Recap


Happy Labor Day fellow fantasy ballers. Congrats to everyone on a successful and brisk draft. I hope all none of your players end up on IR before week 3. I also hope you enjoy fighting it out for second place, because I have no intention of relinquishing the title I currently hold.

Kudos to the Argentina Mistresses for choosing an appropriately ridiculous fake team moniker. The majority of the American population has no idea where Argentina is on a map, or even that it’s a country, but that’s okay. No need to worry about Veronica being competitive. Once Jughead goes all Big Ben on her, she’ll be too distraught to focus on anything but her impending lawsuit. A big hearty welcome to the Blind Monkeys, who ditched their unlucky “Grizz” handle after a disastrous 2008. I hope these monkeys fare better than the ones in Outbreak.

Enough with the pleasantries. Let’s talk draft. Stud Running Back pulls no punches, so if you can’t take a good smashing, pack up your pink dresses and join an amateur league. I don’t have time to listen to whining or wipe babies’ bottoms.

Rather than dissect each individual roster, I’m going to divide the draft into four sections and highlight the best and worst picks in each section. First up, rounds one through four.

Best Picks (Rds 14)

Tom Brady – The guy chucked 50 touchdowns in 2007. After a torn ACL in ’08, Golden Boy Tom is back. Will he toss 50 again? No. But 35 is a good bet. I loathe drafting signal callers in the first round, but Brady is worth the stretch.

Ryan Grant – Grant will finish as a Top 10 runner in ’09. Book it. I was planning on landing him at 27, but the Steelcats swiped him 17th overall. A tad early, but he won’t disappoint. Look for 1600 total yards and 10-12 scores.

Steve Smith – How the hell did “Punchy” last until the 32nd pick? It’s a puzzle inside a mystery wrapped around an enigma. I considered him at 27, but like Roddy White more. That being said, Smith offers great value in the third round.

Kevin Smith – A true number one back NOT in a committee available at 46? Yeah, I know, he plays for the Lions, but this constitutes a huge steal at this point in the draft.

Honorable Mention: Steve Slaton should never slip as far as he did. Good call by the ‘Cuse to grab him at 23.

Worst Picks (Rds 1-4)

LaDainian Tomlinson – I’ll be the first to admit I’m wrong if LT bounces back. However, I don’t see it happening. The fact that he played during the preseason speaks volumes to his desire to prove chumps like me wrong. Well, I watched him attempt to hit the hole this August. Not pretty. The Chargers franchised Sproles a reason.

Chris Wells – I trashed the Negotiators last year for snagging Michael Turner too early and ended up looking like a dolt. Lightning won’t strike twice. I actually like Wells, but not at 25. He would have been there in the 6th or 7th round.

Derek Ward – The Bucs could be the worst team in the NFL. Why they shelled out $17 million for Ward is vexing. Especially, when he’s tangled in a three-headed attack that includes Earnest Graham and Cadillac Williams. If Ward flops, the Lame ones could be in trouble.

Roy Williams – He’s not a number one receiver. Therefore he shouldn’t be drafted as such. Questionable route running skills and being oft injured does nothing to help his cause.

Best Picks (Rds 5-8)

Eddie Royal – With Brandon Marshall doing his best TO impression, Royal becomes the Broncos top target. Since Kyle Orton can’t throw further than 25 yards down field, look for Royal to clean house underneath. 100 catches is possible.

Lance Moore – I wanted Moore as my numero three wideout. The Fools looked anything but foolish when they scooped him up in the sixth round. The dude started only six games in 2008 and racked over 900 yards and 10 TDs. He’s good.

Ray Rice – Another guy I had my eye on. I envision him being a Duce Staley type back for the Ravens. He’s a dual-threat who probably won’t see the end zone much, but he’ll make a fine third runner.

Ahmad Bradshaw – I’m approaching broken record status, but I love me some Bradshaw in ’09. I was hoping he’d make it to me in the 8th round. The Pur-dee-mouths shrewdly handcuffed him for the human bruise, Brandon Jacobs.

Worst Picks (Rds 5-8)

Devin Hester – Not in round five. Not with Ochocinco and Royal still on the board. Hester has some upside now that Cutler is in Chi-town, but he’s far from polished. He will be the ultimate boom or bust pick.

Jerricho Cotchery – I think the Crotch Rocket could be huge providing Mark Sanchez plays like Matt Ryan and not Ryan Leaf. That’s asking a lot. Cotchery will likely lose catches to both Dustin Keller and Leon Washington.

Antonio Bryant – A one-year wonder in 2008, Bryant is still recovering from knee surgery. When he finally does return he will find a quarterback carrousel waiting for him. Not good.

Willis McGahee- He is now the third best option in the Ravens backfield. This was a wasted pick. The Mistresses could have had Bradshaw or even James Davis.

Best Picks (Rds 9-12)

LeSean McCoy – Like LT, Jamal Lewis and Thomas Jones, Brian Westbrook has entered the 30+ club. Oh, he’s also coming off TWO offseason surgeries. McCoy will get his carries and if (when) Westy goes down, he’ll be ready to assume the featured back role.

Jay Cutler – Excellent value for the 9th round. Also offers good insurance for Veronica should Carson Palmer go down again. Cutler won’t be the quarterback he was in Denver, but he’s still worth starting in most leagues.

Petyon Hillis – This cat runs hard. Until Moreno rounds into shape, Hillis is Denver’s best back. Look for him to steal plenty of goal line carries this season.

Laurence Maroney – He’s the starting RB for the Patriots and he was still available in round 12. Sure, he’s stunk so far in his career, but he’s a low risk, high reward selection.

Honorable Mention: James Davis will be the Browns best back in ’09. It’s only a matter of when.

Worst Picks (Rds 9-12)

Michael Crabtree – This asshole is in the running for the NFL’s biggest douchebag and he hasn’t even inked a contract. TO and Ocho better step up their games. Crabs and his gargantuan ego are coming for them.

Brett Favre – Just because I can’t stand him.

Eli Manning – See Favre.

The lesser Steve Smith – Any Giants receiver drafted is destined to suck.

Best Picks (Rds 13-16)

Glenn Coffee – Don’t be surprised if Coffee becomes a goal line back for the Niners. Iron Mike Singletary will make sure this talented rook sees the field early and often.

Earnest Graham – Depending on how the Bucs clouded RB situation shakes out, Earnie could find himself starting. Not bad for a 15th rounder.

Tashard Choice – An injury to either Marion Barber or Felix Jones and Choice will be the… choice.

Worst Picks (Rds 13-16)

There’s no such thing in the last few rounds, although Michael Vick deserves consideration for a myriad of reasons.

Good luck to everyone in 2009. I mean that, I really do. Why would I wish catastrophic injuries to beset all your teams? That would be petty and sadistic. Stud Running Back is neither. Wink.