The opening week of the 2009 NFL season didn’t disappoint. The Titans and Steelers staged a fantastic finish to kick things off last Thursday, and the Monday night double-header put a scintillating capper on things. Eight games were decided by 6 points or less. The other eight contests were blowouts. Now that’s what I call parity.
The Negotiators 87, Savage Animal 73: Two letters: AP. Difficult to negotiate a victory when the league’s best runner unleashes 37 points. Savage was declawed in this one. Forte and White both took steaming dumps.
Blind Monkeys 82, Travelin’ Fools 67: Backfield of Benson and Gore saw their way to a win. Meanwhile, Jackson and Brown were running on empty (music joke). Both of last year’s finalists open the season with a L.
Steelcats 88, Lame Excuses 85: Drew Brees is really good. Helps that he played the toothless Lions, but I would anticipate a couple more 35 point games. The lame ones were paced by a frenzied Eagles D that netted 27. Not enough.
Veronica 76, Arkansas PurtyMouths 53: The stink of LT once again suffocated the PurtyMouths. That’s what they get for drafting a guy who is no longer a stud. Veronica looked and played like the girl next door. Cute and bubbly, not hot and sexy.
Walker’s Talkers 110, Furry Beasts 71: The woodshed game of the week. Romo and Thomas Jones I get, but Jeremy Shockey? Beasts got goose eggs from both Greg Olsen and Dallas D. Ugh.
Argentina Mistresses 81, Syracuse ManahManah 62: Tom Brady made it through a Sunday without tearing another ligament. His 24 points secured the win for the cheating South Americans. The ‘Cuse are the early favorites to become the All-IR Team. McNabb and Anthony G both went down. Not good.
Overall, a very low scoring week 1. Hopefully, things will pick up soon. Time to hand out some hardware.
The Lethal Weapons – AP and Brees
The best fantasy runner and thrower both blew up. Shocking. The Browns and Lions really should be banned from the NFL. Watching them attempt to play defense is like the first time I saw Blazing Saddles and The Holy Grail. Laughs o plenty. To be fair, Adrian and Drew are capable of embarrassing most teams, not just the awful ones.
The Twin Fairies – Turner and Forte
These two pansies combined for 120 yards on 47 carries. Pathetic. When you’re trying to shake the rep as being one-year wonders, taking a dive on the first Sunday won’t do much to ease concerns. Turner resorted to his 2008 tricks of getting shutdown by a quality defense. As for Forte, well, bad-haired Jay didn’t help the dude by tossing four interceptions.
Reggie Wayne is Batman
If I was smart, I would draft Reggie Wayne every year. He is the model of consistency. Ten catches for 162 yards and a touchdown was more than enough to defeat the “Jokers” of Jacksonville. It’s unclear whether the injury to Anthony G will hurt or help Wayne’s future gains, but getting targeted 15 times a game sounds like a good thing.
The Three Amigos – Watson, Carlson and Shockey
You can always tell offenses aren’t quite in sync when tight ends dominate opening weekend. 16 catches for 203 yards and 6 TDs from this trio. WTF!!! I doubt this trend will continue, but that won’t stop owners from placing bids on both Watson and Carlson.
The New Gal in Town
Tony Romo may crumble like stale cookies in December, but the dude sure knows how to pick blond bombshells to bang. First it was the adorable Carrie Underwood. Next, it was chesty Jessica Simpson. Now, it’s former Miss Missouri and current Dallas TV skank reporter Candice Crawford. For my money, she’s the best of the bunch. At least the dunderhead Cowpokes fans have a new scapegoat to blame when Romo flops again.
I have crossed all the T’s and dotted all the I’s on week 1. Stud signing off.