Shit, I’m old. I remember the first game the Michigan Fab Five played. Not to mention my shoulder keeps popping every time I raise my arm above my head. Is that normal for a 36-year-old? Maybe for an ex-fireball pitcher or one of those aircraft carrier flag guys, but not for some poor schlub who has spent the better part of his life sitting on his ass staring at a fu**ing computer screen. Must be from my college tennis days. Yes, I played tennis, although only so I could get close to a cute brunette named Colleen. Think Natalie Portman, minus the pre-teen boyish body. Let’s just say I served up aces both on and off the court. ZIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!
I could go on and on recounting my co-ed escapades, like the time I dropped an upper-decker in my neighbor’s commode, but that’s for another day. I’m supposed to talk fantasy football, so without further ado, here are this week’s top 5 studs. (Note: Since I’m competing with you jackals for cash and prizes, only 1 of these gentleman is the guy that I really love. The other four clowns are decoys. Although, last week you could hardly distinguish because they all shat the bed. Ahem. It was TJ Houshmandzadeh. Six grabs for 48 yards is… uh… I think you know.)
Enough tangents. Here are stud’s studs for week 2:
5) Clinton Portis – You know, 16 carries for 62 yards against a stout Giants D is respectable. Unless you’re a Portis owner. Well, don’t throw ol’ Southside Jerome down a flight of stairs just yet. He draws the Rams this week. Can we just rename the Rams the Lambs and move on? C’mon, who the eff gets shutout in today’s NFL? At any rate, Clinton will smoke the softies like a cigar shoved up Lewinsky’s — whoa… sorry, family website, folks. 110 yards and a sixer.
4) Santonio Holmes – The Bears are an abysmal team. Now they are without Brian Urlacher for the remainder of the 2009 campaign. Hmm… more pressure on bad-haired Jay sounds like a recipe for apocalypse. Did you see what Greg Jennings did to Nathan Vasher last Sunday night? What-up-Holmes will provide an encore. 95 yards and a touch.
3) Lee Evans – This will be the only time all season I recommend Deep Lee. I’ve never owned this jackass because he’s more unpredictable than an Obama policy (that was for you, BOB). This week, against a putrid Bucs’ secondary, Evans will be strong like bull. 117 yards and a score.
2) Brian Westbrook – Smell that? It’s the foul stench pouring from Kevin Kolb’s armpits. My advice to Big Red this week: hand the damn ball to 36; throw the damn ball to 36; have 36 throw the damn ball to himself. Just don’t let Kev drop back, survey the defense, fumble the ball, pick it back up, trip, gather himself, then throw an interception. It’s a B-West game. 135 total yards and 2 TDs.
1) Jason Witten – Did you know that Mr. Witten has had 70+ yards in three of his last four games versus Big Blue? Of course you didn’t, that’s why I’m here. Information is power, people. Get with the program. Conform or die. If you’re not with me, you’re… you get the picture. 7 catches, 96 yards, 1 TD.
Before I disappear into the vast darkness of the Interwebs, I leave you with a musical offering. I think it’s appropriate for all us fantasy ballers. Have a glorious week 2. Stud out.
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