Week 2 Recap


I wonder if Gisele is naked right now?

Week 2 of the 2009 campaign was all about points. Fourteen teams racked 26 or more this weekend. Leading the way were the vaunted Saints, who followed up last week’s 45 by hanging 48 on the clipped Eagles. We had a 400 yard passer, a 200 yard rusher, three 140+ yard wideouts and tight end who registered the fourth highest yardage total in NFL history for his position. If you were fortunate enough to own any of these gents, you are smiling wide today. If not, you are doing the walk of shame.

Travelin’ Fools 82, Savage Animal 61 – A rematch of last year’s finals came down to the Monday night affair. 46 combined from Peyton and Wildcat Ronnie was more than enough to tame Savage. The reigning champs are reeling at 0-2. The foul odor emanating from their roster is growing quite pungent.

Blind Monkeys 124, Steelcats 78 – The deadly combo of Schaub and Gore shredded the Drew Brees led Cats. Schaub tossed four scores while Gore topped 200 yards and added two sixers. Steel City didn’t stand a chance in this one.

Lame Excuses 125, The Negotiators 85 – The Lame ones sure do have some big Johnsons. Chris and Andre punished the Dealmakers to the tune of 71 total points. They alone would have defeated Savage, Arkansas and the Talkers this week. Yowza! Surprisingly, AP was held in check by the cowardly Lions.

Veronica 102, Furry Beasts 73 – Carson Palmer and Marques Colston were busts in ’08. Best way to shake a bad rep is partner up for 45 points. Clinton Portis is killing the Beasts. How he mustered only 79 yards against the Lambs is puzzling.

Syracuse ManahManah 82, Walker’s Talkers 67 – Despite losing two starters in week 1, the ‘Cuse rebounded nicely thanks to a pair of NFC East receivers. DeSean and the other Steve Smith totaled 36. Walker’s boisterous bunch were doomed by a backfield that netted a meager 11 points.

Argentina Mistresses 100, Arkansas PurtyMouths 61 – The Jackson Two paced the Mistresses with 38, while the PurtyMouths’ rotund backfield of Jacobs and White posted 7. The Evitas move to 2-0, while the backwoods rapists drop to 0-2. 

Four teams topped 100+  points in victory. Nice. The strong are beginning to separate themselves from the weak. Now is the time on Stud Running Back when we dance hand out awards.

Happy Clowns


Chris Johnson –Why the likes of Steven Jackson and LT were drafted ahead of Chrissy Johnson is a mystery. If you needed further evidence as to the Coach’s Dream’s talent, exhibit A was on display Sunday: 16/197/2 and 9/87/1. I’m still convinced a few of the Texans defenders have Johnson on their fantasy teams. How else do you explain leaving him uncovered on a go route? Oops!

Frank Gore –I’ve never been a huge Gore fan, but after watching him dissect the suspect Seawhawks defense, I’m beginning to soften my stance on the ex-Hurricane. Rushing for 207 yards isn’t an easy thing to do in the NFL. Since he’s the only viable option in the Niners arsenal, I would anticipate a few more monstrous outings for Frank.

Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson – These guys showed a glimpse of what they are capable of last season. On Sunday, they flat out embarrassed a Titans secondary stocked with three Pro Bowlers. Matty rocked the house with 357 passing yards and four scores. AJ snagged ten balls for 149 yards and two touchdowns. The Titans have allowed back-to-back 300 yard passers to start ’09. Peyton Manning owners must be salivating.

Honorable mention: Dallas Clark had more receiving yards on Monday night (183) than the entire Dallas team (127) did on Sunday night. That should put into perspective how impressive his performance was. Even more impressive is the fact that he accomplished this feat in less than 14 minutes of offensive possession. Amazing.

Sad Clowns


Tony Romo – It’s hard to feel sorry for Romo when he bangs nothing but choice chicks. Actually, I enjoy watching the dude fold under pressure. It must suck being a Cowpokes fan knowing it’s only a matter of time before their quarterback gags away another win in the NFC East. 127 yards and three picks are horrid numbers. I imagine that’s not what Leatherface Jones had in mind for his billion dollar home opener.

Tom Brady – The Golden Boy laid a giant egg on Sunday versus the Jets. 216 yards and one interception are not up to snuff for Mr. Bundchen. Belichick had better start cheating waving his magic wand soon, or the mighty Pats could be in for a long season.

Clinton Portis – Julius Jones gashed the Lambs defense in week 1, so it was safe to assume a stud like Portis would have a huge day. Right? Wrong! 19 carries for 79 yards and ZERO touchdowns is an effing joke. The ‘Skins offense is painful to watch. Words like inept and dysfunctional aren’t powerful enough to describe how putrid they look. Does rancid work?

Matt Forte – As a Forte owner, I am a little concerned. When the other Adrian Peterson is being rotated in on a regular basis, that’s a bad sign. 38 carries for 84 yards and 0 scores is a problem. Even more distressing is the fact that he’s been targeted only 7 times in two games. He caught 64 passes last season. Hey Cutler! It’s called a checkdown. You might want to add that to your repertoire instead of forcing the ball over the middle twenty times a game.

Sex Panther of the Week – Greg Jennings



Vodpod videos no longer available.

Crow Tastes Yummy


I missed the boat on a couple players in my post draft comments. I wrote the following about Willis McGahee:

He is now the third best option in the Ravens backfield. This was a wasted pick. The Mistresses could have had Bradshaw or even James Davis.

Through two games, Willis has scored four touchdowns and accumulated 164 total yards in part-time duty. I’m still waiting for him to suffer his customary 4-6 week injury, but so far he’s making me look stupid.

Here’s my assessment of the other Steve Smith:

Any Giants receiver drafted is destined to suck.

Really, Scott? 16 grabs for 214 yards and a sixer sounds pretty good. Not to mention, Mario Manningham has racked 13 catches for 208 yards and dos touchdowns. Maybe the Bucs and Cowboys secondaries are just awful, or maybe the Giants knew something the rest of us fools didn’t.

Mrs. Chris Cooley


Chris Cooley is a pretty cool cat. He once burned a dead cow found on his property in Wyoming. He was also crafty enough to bag himself a cheerleader to wed. I bet they’re hit at parties. Chris and Christy… how cute. I really like the above picture. There’s something very satisfying about a hot topless woman laying in a pile of panties. Who’s with me?

I’m closing the books on week 2. My team blows, but that’s okay. I have another fake squad crushing. Stud out.

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