5 Card Stud


I’m an idiot. And not just because I drafted a team of underachieving douchebags. No, I’m a fool because it took me three effing weeks to come up with an appropriate title for this weekly segment.

Hello, Scott!! You named the gosh darn site Stud Running Back. Therefore, when selecting your five studs for the week (only one of which is real), wouldn’t it make sense to go with… I dunno… 5 Card Stud?

Yeah, I dig that. It’s cool because there’s one card down, which represents the guy I like for the week. Pure. Genius.

Yeah, you’re a real Nikola Tesla.

Shut the hell up, inner voice. I don’t need you insulting me.

You suck.

Stop it.

Go screw, loser.

That’s not cool.

Neither are you, bozo.

Did you just call me bozo?

That was lame. Sorry.

I think it’s time you went away.

Yeah, probably a good idea.

Bye, bye.

Bye… asshole.

You just gotta have the last word.


Inner voices can be such dicks. Where was I? Studs of the week. Right. Last week’s pick was Lee Evans. 1 catch for 32 yards. At least it was for a touchdown. I expected more, but it’s Lee Evans. Remember, he blows chunks most weeks. Onward and upward. Here are the week 3 studs:

5) Mark Clayton – Clayton is a big play guy. The Browns statistically rank 7th versus the pass and 31st against the run. Should be a great day for Rice and McGahee. Which is exactly why I’m taking Clayton. Flacco hits him early with a deep ball. 5 catches, 88 yards and a touch.

4) Jason Campbell – If this stiff is going to display a pulse, this will be the week. The toothless Lions allow a league worst 36 points per game. Campbell has a nice day, then returns to sucking next week, which will lead to his inevitable benching by week six. 278 yards and 2 TDs.

3) Mark Sanchez – The Titans rank dead last versus the pass. Matty Schaub shredded them a week ago after Big Ben dismantled them on opening night. The kid’s alright in the Big Apple. 288 yards and 3 TDs.

2) LeSean McCoy – Surprise, surprise, Brian Westbrook is already hurt. He’ll play on Sunday, but he’ll stink. The future is now in Philly. That future’s name is Shady. 105 total yards and a sixer.

1) Tim Hightower – The Colts don’t have Bob Sanders. Without Sanders, they can’t stop the run. See Ronnie Brown last Monday night. Timmy Tower is running and catching. Get him in your lineups. 135 total yards and a score.

I’ll admit it. My first two studs shat the bed. Not this week my friends. I am fully confident my guy will produce. If I had a reputation, I’d stake it on my guy. Oh, well.

Today’s musical offering takes us all the way back to 1978. I was still riding my big wheel around the dining room table, but I know some of you were sporting bell bottoms and feathered hair. Time for a trip down memory lane with a little band called Styx. Enjoy.

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