Week 3 Recap


Welcome to the UFL!

I would classify week 3 of the fantasy football season at bizarre. Kevin Kolb and Mark Sanchez outscored the likes of Brees, Brady and Warner. Fred Taylor, Correll Buckhalter and Ricky Williams netted more points than Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson and Clinton Portis. Bryant Johnson, Andre Caldwell and Sidney Rice topped Calvin Johnson, Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald.

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here?!

Travelin’ Fools 82, The Negotiators 80 – Adrian Peterson blew this one for the adjudicators. Nine points versus the Niners? Terrible. Steven Jackson rose from the dead and Peyton humiliated another defense to pace the excursionists. Fools have won two straight, while Negotiators drop their second in a row.

Savage Animal 82, Steelcats 72 – The defending champs avoid the dreaded 0-3 start. Shady McCoy and Jerricho Cotchery combined for 30. Nate Kaeding had more points than Drew Brees. What? I seriously doubt the Saint signal caller will have a worse week this season.

Blind Monkeys 78, Lame Excuses 50 – Despite Frank Gore’s early exit on Sunday, the groping primates easily dispatched the poor explanations. Matt Schaub led the way with 24. The Big Johnsons went flaccid and mustered a meager 17 points. Monkeys remain unbeaten.

Furry Beasts 77, Arkansas PurtyMouths 61 – The pig fornicators rolled the dice by starting the Giants’ backfield and was rewarded with 25 points. Too bad they also pegged Byron Leftwich to be their QB. Oops. The soft and fluffy critters got their first win thanks to 31 from Wayne and the ‘Boys defense.

Syracuse ManahManah 108, Veronica 65 – MJD, Mark Sanchez and DJax took turns pounding Veronica all day long. It was more disturbing than The Accused. Pierre Thomas was the only one to put up a fight. ‘Cuse have rebounded from opening week boo boos.

Argentina Mistresses 92, Walker’s Talkers 50 – The below the equator concubines continue to flaunt their dominance in front of the rest of the Gulfman league. Reborn stud Willis McGahee ripped off 18 and the Patriots footie booted 14. The orators backfield of Davis and Jones took a giant three point dump.

And then there was one. The PurtyMouths quest to become this season’s Detroit Lions is alive and well. Meanwhile, the Monkeys and Mistresses remain perfect. It’s hardware time:

Happy Clowns


Peyton Manning – I’ve reached the conclusion that Peyton Manning knows something the rest of the NFL quarterbacks don’t. Watching him effortlessly dissect a defense is both informative and entertaining. Take away Marvin Harrison. No big deal. 379 yards and four touchdowns is just another typical Manning outing. He also threw a pick, which I’m certain was not his fault. Whoever is responsible for this interception needs to be cut immediately. Nobody makes Peyton look bad without repercussion.

Maurice Jones-Drew – I’ve reached the conclusion that the Texans defense is really bad. The best hyphenated name in the game shredded the men in red for three scores and 147 total yards. I would suggest if you own a runner facing the Texans balsa wood D-FENCE you insert him into your starting lineup pronto. Darren McFadden? You are next in line.

Santana Moss – Lost amid the not-so shocking Redskins loss to the cowardly Lions was Santana Moss delivering his annual anomaly to the fantasy football community. His 178 yards and a touchdown will convince some of his owners that he’s a viable starter. The smart owner will find a receiver-hungry trade partner and unload Moss’s underachieving ass because his value will never be higher.

Honorable mention: His name is DeSean Jackson. You better recognize he is here to stay. No other player in league history has recorded three touchdowns of 60+ yards in the first three games of an NFL season. He had a career best 149 yards on Sunday. That 149 won’t last long.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sad Clowns


Drew Brees – Nine points? Against the Bills? Really, Drew? Just when I was about to declare Brees the leader of a new race of Supermen, he proves he’s human. Oh, well. Maybe next week.

DeAngelo Williams – The Panthers have serious issues. Their quarterback gets paid by the interception and Julius Peppers forgot how to sack the quarterback. Well, add 2008 touchdown leader DeAngelo Williams to this ever-growing list of problems. The most glaring stat when it comes to Williams is 41 carries in three games. He toted the rock 274 times in ’08; he’s on pace to get only 218 carries this year. I would suggest John Fox start getting the ball to him more.

Calvin Johnson – This is more an indictment on Matt Stafford and the Lions’ playcallers. Five catches for 49 yards stinks, but more concerning is the fact Johnson was targeted only seven times versus the Skins. Ochocinco was targeted 11 times; Fitzgerald 13; hell, even Nate Burleson got 12 looks. You have to throw the ball to Megatron for him to be effective.

The French Invasion

French guy

It’s one thing when the French spout their socialistic drivel, but it’s another issue altogether when they begin infiltrating the American institution that is pro football. There are not one, but two guys named Pierre spreading their evil nonsense in the NFL. Pierre Thomas rushed for 126 yards and a pair of sixers versus the Bills. Pierre Garcon grabbed three Manning arcs for 64 yards and a score. This is disturbing on many levels. The French cannot be trusted. I’m not ready to start calling for boycotts and internment camps, but if souffle and sorbet start showing up at tailgates, the gloves are coming off.

The Goal Line Goblin


I apologize for the horrible photoshop. I was in a hurry. At any rate, Willis McGahee has scored six touchdowns on 38 touches. He is becoming the 2009 version of the 2008 LenDale White, minus the fat stomach. I accept all the credit for McGahee’s resurrection. He doth took offense to me calling him a wasted pick and washed up.

It’s Always Gloomy in Buffalo


I’m awestruck that the house of cards in Buffalo is already toppling. On the heels of snapping his 185 consecutive game streak with a reception, TO has unleashed a Twitter campaign of terror on Rodney Harrison, accusing the NBC mouth of using steroids while playing. Apparently, Harrison had the audacity to call Owens a “clown” during the broadcast abortion known as Football Night in America. For shame! On the bright side, Owens has yet to throw Trent Edwards into the wood chipper, but it’s only a matter of time before he does. Speaking of wood chippers:

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Mrs. Jeff Garcia


In honor of Jeff Garcia’s most recent release, I think it only appropriate to give his lovely wife her due. Carmella DeCesare is proof that Italians and Puerto Ricans should procreate on a regular basis. I still can’t figure out how Garcia pulled this coup. Yeah, he’s an NFL quarterback, but we’re talkin’ about Jeff Garcia, not Golden Boy Brady. I bow to you Jeff Garcia.

Sayonora week 3. Just chill, til the next episode. Stud out.

2 thoughts on “Week 3 Recap

  1. Holy crap that ass… even I can’t turn away…
    Nice writeup. I enjoyed biting my nails as my receiving corps once again underwhelmed, but came thru at the last minute.
    Anyone want to deal me a receiver? I have a delightful QB named Roethlisberger who I wouldn’t mind trading…

    PS BRAD IS 3-0!!! Next up: The end of the world.

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