Week 4 Recap


Fill in your own joke.

When Chad Henne and Josh Johnson outscore Drew Brees, it’s time to throw logic out the window. The 2009 fantasy football season is a confusing mess after four weeks.

Arkansas PurtyMouths 93, The Negotiators 46 – The PurtyMouths get 10 points from their backfield but still win it going away. Like last season, the dealmakers lack of receiving talent is costing them.

Travelin’ Fools 86, Furry Beasts 74 – It was a battle of Mannings in this one. As it should be, Peyton’s charges bested little bro thanks to Wildcat Ronnie Brown’s 23 points. The Fools are looking good, while the Beasts not so much.

Syracuse ManahManah 85, Steelcats 45 – Drew Brees shat the bed again and Darren McFadden has bust written all over him. The Manah survive another McNabbless week and triumph in convincing fashion. The other Steve Smith ain’t no fluke.

Lame Excuses 85, Argentina Mistresses 83 – The game of the week was decided on Monday night. Bernard Berrian’s 13 was more than enough to knock the Mistresses from the unbeaten ranks.

Walker’s Talkers 63, Blind Monkeys 62 – New arrival Jerome Harrison’s 15 points almost got it done for the Monkeys. Rookie Knowshon Moreno’s 13 proves to be the difference.

Veronica 101, Savage Animal 76 – Six of eight players recorded double digits for Veronica. Matt Forte finally did something, but the rest of Animal underachieved per usual.

Say bye, bye to the undefeated and the winless. Hardware time.

Happy Clowns

happy-clown-4Rashard Mendenhall – The stud of the week was firmly planted on the Talkers’ bench after being dropped by Veronica. Was his 30 points a mirage or a sign of things to come? Tough to know. I say he has a three fumble game in his future.

David Garrard – The runner-up stud of the week was also sitting on a bench. Hey, it’s not like the Fools were going to sit Peyton Manning. Garrard’s 28 says more about the abysmal Titans’ secondary than it does his ability as a passer. I’m certain he will return to being painfully average this week.

Steve Smith – Smitty continues to make me eat my words by crushing on a weekly basis. His 25 topped all pass catchers in week 4. He leads the NFL in receiving. The Giants have played some garbage defenses, but Smith is no joke.

Sad Clowns


Maurice Jones-Drew – MJD is approaching Jekyll-Hyde status. Here are his ’09 point totals: 17, 7, 31, 9. He’s too talented to sit, but soft defenses are his bread and butter. Lucky for MJD owners, his next two opponents are the Seahawks and Rams.

Anyone wearing silver and black – The Raiders are a catastrophe. There is no sensible reason to have any of their hack players sullying your roster. Dump them at the first chance.

LaDainian Tomlinson – Eight touches for 14 yards. If they shot broken down star running backs, LT would be a prime candidate. If you can trade him, do so. If you can’t, cut his old ass loose.

Beard of the Week

Ed Reed

I’m not talking about Katie Holmes or Kelly Preston. Those are beards of a different feather. No, I’m referring to the facial hair grown on men’s – and some women’s – faces. Watching the Ravens-Pats game this weekend, I couldn’t help but notice Ed Reed’s glorious beard of awesomeness. He seems to be going for a Fred Sanford vibe. Mission accomplished.

Destroy all Kickers

Steelers Comic Kicker Football

So far in 2009, Rob Bironas, Jeff Reed, Olindo Mare and Mike Nugent have cost their teams potential victories by shanking field goals. I’m of the belief that all footies should be banned from professional and fantasy football. They are useless. I propose we eliminate kickers next season. Draft a defensive player instead and award them points for tackles, sacks and interceptions. I’d rather have Jared Allen on my fake team than Nick Folk.

Hyphenated Names Rule

Hyphenated-EdMike Walker used to be a pathetic loser who couldn’t stay healthy. Then he changed his name to Sims-Walker, no doubt on the advice of teammate Maurice Jones-Drew. Now the dude is killin’. In the last three weeks, he has racked 45 fantasy points. His upcoming schedule looks very favorable as well. Keep him in your starting lineup.

Don’t Feel Sorry for Aaron Rodgers


Rodgers may be failing miserably at filling the shoes of legendary quarterback/selfish prick Brett Favre, but I’m guessing girlfriend Julie Henderson is helping dull the pain of losing on Monday Night Football. Man, life as an NFL signal caller really sucks.

Week 4 is in the rear view mirror. Stud signing off.

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