Week 5 Recap

What do you mean I have to practice?

What do you mean I have to practice?

Miles Austin? Cedric Benson? Kyle Orton? Jeremy Maclin? What the hell is going on here? Up is down. Black is white. JaMarcus Russell totally sucks. Wait… that’s normal. Whew! At least we can count on the Raiders being a pit of despair and failure. I can’t make head or tail of the anything else.

Furry Beasts 99, The Negotiators 76 – Finally, the backfield of Portis and Turner produced. 45 combined was more than enough to pace the Beasties. Joe Flacco and the Jets D turned in subpar performances for the hagglers.

Travelin’ Fools 78, Syracuse ManahManah 52 – The peripatetic morons got 9 points from their trio of pass catchers, but it mattered little as Peyton and Wildcat Ronnie racked 45. The ‘Cuse got McNabb back and he rocked with 25 points. Too bad no one else cracked double digits. The Fools stay tied atop the NY Division.

Steelcats 54, Argentina Mistresses 49 – The shit bowl game of the week was decided by Matt Cassel. Really? His 20 points proved to be the difference. The Cats avoid a 1-4 start, while the paramours slip to 3-2.

Lame Excuses 94, Walkers Talkers 78 – The lame ones are so badass they engineered a blowout despite a weak three point effort from Chrissy Johnson. Matt Ryan and Andre Johnson dropped 50. The loudmouths were done in by their useless kicker and an uncharacteristically quiet Randy Moss.

Blind Monkeys 89, Veronica 55 – Another balanced outing for the primates put Veronica in her place. A well-rested Fitzy chipped in 19 and Matt Schaub was good for 24. Calvin Johnson and Chris Cooley both took steaming dumps on Veronica’s chest. It was messy.

Arkansas PurtyMouths 80, Savage Animal 71 – Roddy White had to pick the week Rivers, Forte and Jennings were on a bye to go off. What an asshole. Even though Mike Sims-Walker went and got himself suspended, the inbred razorbacks still notch the win. Savage is not enjoying the view from the bottom.

Through five weeks both divisions are congested at the top. No one has run away with it yet, but the Monkeys and Fools are lookin’ pretty, pretty good. Who’s ready for some hardware?

Happy Clowns

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I tell ya, that Pennywise is one funny clown. What a prankster. He may have taken his antics a little far when he ripped poor Georgie’s arm out of its socket, but he just needed someone to play with. I blame Georgie for letting his boat get away. Kids are stupid.

Miles Austin – How many had Miles Austin in their starting lineup this week? More to the point, how many knew Miles Austin played for the Cowboys? I thought he was a character on Lost. At any rate, Miles rewrote the ‘Boys record book by snatching 10 balls for 250 yards and two scores. Impressive. I bet he doesn’t total 250 yards in his next three games.

Ahmad Bradshaw – So far, Big Blue’s backup runner is outperforming the starting runner. While fatass Brandon Jacobs was lumbering for his normal three yards per tote, Bradshaw was carving up the horrifically awful Raiders defense to the tune of 165 total yards and dos touchdowns. I believe I said Bradshaw was a fine pick in my post-draft analysis. Alas, like Austin, he was on many a fantasy owner’s bench.

Roddy White – I guess my plea to open up the Falcons offense during the bye week didn’t fall on deaf ears. Atlanta shelled the so-called vaunted Whiners defenders for 45 points. White more than doubled his previous three game totals with 210 yards and a pair of trips for six. Hopefully, this wasn’t an anomaly.

Sad Clowns

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Any excuse to include a clip from Seinfeld and I’m all over it, baby. Eric the clown doesn’t seem satisfied in his work. I dunno… I kinda dig the big floppy shoes. I think big floppy shoes should be more socially acceptable. If it’s okay for the Broncos to don piss and shit unis, I see no reason why doctors, lawyers and illegal aliens working at a chicken processing plant can’t wear clown shoes. Think I’ll start a petition.

Chrissy Johnson – The following gentlemen rushed for more yards than Chrissy: Shaun Hill, Edgerrin James, Daunte Culpepper, Justin Forsett, Trent Edwards, Josh Johnson and Michael Bush. Throw out his week two annihilation of the Texans and Johnson has zero touchdowns and zero 100-yard games.

Brandon Jacobs – One touchdown in five games? That’s it? Jacobs looks fatter and slower than usual. What happened to the power? What happened to the intimidation? Perhaps he’s saving himself for the real opponents. To be fair, Washington, Dallas, Tampa Bay, Kansas City and Oakland hardly qualify as legit NFL teams.

Pierre Garcon – A lot of people were counting on this Frenchie to light up the 32nd ranked Titans pass defense. One catch for nine yards. That would be NINE…

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A few notes on this ’80s classic. RIP John Hughes, who passed over the summer. Mia Sara was really hot. Yes, that was Kristy Swanson. Jennifer Grey had her Jewy nose lopped off. Jeffrey Jones is a pedophile. Matthew Broderick now resembles a nineteenth century dandy.

Beard of the Week


My obsession with NFL facial hair has not waned. Brad Childress is sportin’ a ridiculously wild man mane. Look at that thing! I’m not sure what he’s goin’ for here. My best guess is he grew it as a gesture of solidarity to help woo Brett Favre away from the lawnmower. Either that or Childress has gone completely insane, because that abomination is a mental patient beard if I ever saw one.

Seattle Slew


What in blue blazes got into the Seahawks offense on Sunday? I guess they really missed Matty Hasselbeck. The broken ribbed signal caller tossed four touchdowns to T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Nate Burleson. Even fossilized Edgerrin James looked decent. The Hawks are an enigma. Killer one week, pathetic the next.

Resurrection City


I was under the impression Cincinnati was the place where first-round busts go to die. Not for Cedric Benson. After his 120 yard, one touchdown outing on Sunday, he is now the NFL’s leading rusher. Let me repeat, Cedric Benson is the NFL’s leading rusher. This stinks. I miss the old Cedric. You know, the two-yards and a cloud of dust Cedric. The unmotivated, always injured waste of space Cedric. The drive a boat drunk and resist arrest Cedric. Where did that guy go?

They Shoot Browns Quarterbacks, Don’t They?


Just when I thought I’d seen it all, Derek Anderson scripted a brand new chapter in signal caller futility. Not since the days of Billy Joe Hobert and Babe Laufenberg have I witnessed such putrid play from the man under center. It reminded me of the first time I watched “Two Girls, One Cup.” Disgusting, highly disturbing, although ultimately laugh out loud hilarious. 2/17 for 23 yards and a pick is like pissing in a pool of your own sick. Anderson should be stuffed into an iron maiden.

Mrs. A.J. Feeley


There are conflicting reports about ex-Eagles quarterback A.J. Feeley’s and current soccer hottie Heather Mitts relationship status. They are at least engaged, but according to the bostonherald.com, they are married. I don’t really give a shit either way. Heather has smokin’ good looks. I hear tell she’s very good handling balls, which sounds like a plus.

Week 5 is in the books. My team is a disgrace. To think I actually loved my charges after the draft. I must be going now. It’s time for my daily walk of shame, followed by three hours of intense drinking. Happy Tuesday the 13th (an unlucky day if you happen to be Latin). Stud out.

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