Week six of the fantasy football season saw a return to form of sorts. Brady, Brees, Thomas Jones, DeAngelo Williams, Randy Moss and Wes Welker all renewed their stud cards. How long this revival will last is anyone’s guess. I’m sure Sammi Stroughter will rack 200 yards receiving next week to throw another fly in the ointment.
Travelin’ Fools 96, Steelcats 86 – Fools keep a rollin’ thanks to a Raider. Zach Miller’s 19 points was the difference in an otherwise even matchup. Drew Brees bounced back from a two-week slide with 30, but it wasn’t enough to give the Cats a win.
Savage Animal 71, Lame Excuses 68 – Down thirty entering the Monday night affair, things looked bleak for Savage. An inspired Denver D/ST dropped 17 to help leapfrog the lame ones. Animal avoids a disastrous 1-5 start.
Blind Monkeys 127, The Negotiators 72 – The visibly impaired primates are a juggernaut. Double digits from seven of eight starters is mighty impressive. A pair of goose eggs and Braylon Edwards crawling back into his cavern of suck doomed the deal makers.
Syracuse ManahManah 100, Furry Beasts 84 – 55 points from their runners and a rare good effort from Lee Evans was all it took for the ‘Cuse to notch a W. Hines Ward showed up for the Beasts, but he was all by his lonesome.
Argentina Mistresses 90, Veronica 87 – The Mistresses starting backfield netted a paltry five points, but Golden Boy Tom’s 37 secure the victory. Great outings by DeAngelo and Colston went for naught. Veronica falls to 3-3.
Walker’s Talkers 65, Arkansas PurtyMouths 57 – The shit bowl game of the week was headlined by Hasselbeck versus Campbell. This deplorable duo combined to score nine points. Randy Moss was good for 30, which gave Walker’s loquacious crew an ugly win.
The NY Division continues to be a two horse race, while the Carolina Division is a tangled web. Let’s dole out some hardware, shall we.
Tom Brady – He’s got three rings, boatloads of cash, a supermodel chick and the love of every referee in the league. Life is good for Tom Brady. Five touchdowns in a quarter and six for the game is very 2007-like for Golden Boy Tommy. And he did it in the snow. Damn, is he dreamy. I wish he was on my fake team. Maybe I can trade two yards per carry Matt Forte and forgot how to score touchdowns Greg Jennings to get him. Yeah, right.
DeAngelo Williams – Playing Tampa is like a day at the spa. Relaxing, refreshing and therapeutic. Just ask DeAngelo Williams, who had been waving his bust card proudly prior to Sunday’s 152-yard, two touchdown explosion. The Bucs woeful defense was even gracious enough to allow Williams’ backfield mate Jonathan Stewart and his perpetually sore Achilles to rumble for 110 and a touch. I wonder who Tampa will take with the #1 pick next April? A defender seems sensible.
Thomas Jones – The Jets lost Sunday because Rex Ryan is an idiot and Mark Sanchez is a spaz. It had nothing to do with Jones, who racked 227 total yards and a trip six. I thought 31-year-old backs were supposed to be filming ill-conceived commercials for their used car lot, not rushing for two-hundred on Sundays.
Honorable mention: MJD, Randy Moss and Wes Welker. All three delivered their best performance of the ’09 season. Playing the Rams and Titans appears to be the cure for what ails slumping studs.
The Philadelphia Eagles – The entire Eagles organization should be shot, hung and burned for the pathetic display of football they decided to play on Sunday versus the abysmal Raiders. Normally, when being blitzed into oblivion, well-coached teams turn to the running game to help alleviate pressure on the quarterback. Not Andy Reid. He chose to throw it 46 times and run it 14. Telling evidence as to why the Eagles have never and will never win a championship as long as Reid is coach. He is an incompetent buffoon.
Mark Sanchez – When a cold weather team is in the market for a new quarterback, they might want to draft someone who has actually played in cold weather at least once in his life. Mark Sanchez tossed five picks in the overtime extravaganza with the Bills, bringing his season total to ten. The male model with the winning smile is doing a lot of losing lately. No biggie. I’m sure the New York fans and media will cut him some slack.
Eli Manning – Eli Manning left shit stains all over the Superdome turf on Sunday. 178 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT won’t cut the mustard when the Giants defense looks like Night of the Living Dead. Why do I get the feeling Peyton would have carved up the Saints secondary for 300+ and four touchdowns? Oh yeah, because Peyton is really good. Eli isn’t.
Beard of the Week: Robert Gallery
Wasn’t he in Braveheart? That is a Scottish highlander beard if I ever saw one. Gallery is a first-round bust who can’t stay healthy, but his man mane is worthy of consideration in the beard Hall of Fame. I suggest he tie a couple rubber bands in that beauty to honor the late great Captain Lou Albano.
Break Out The Iron Maiden
Last week I suggested Derek Anderson be stuffed into an iron maiden for his horrendous signal calling. Well, I’ve got another candidate for the medieval torture device. Brandon Jacobs. This tub of guts has one friggin’ touchdown in six games. Sounds to me like BJ needs a weight loss program. A couple days inside the maiden will cut the fat.
They Shoot Bears Running Backs, Don’t They?
Matt Forte fu**ing blows!! Thanks for living up to your #3 overall draft status, you worthless piece of refuse. You and your invisible ass has ruined one of my phony squads. I should have learned my lesson with Bears backs a few years ago when I selected Cedric Benson in the second round. I’m a dolt, but Matt Forte still sucks.
Bowl of Rice
There was plenty of rice being thrown around in the Ravens-Vikings thriller. Ray “Fried” Rice totaled 194 yards and two touchdowns. Sidney Rice “Pilaf” caught six balls for 176. It was like SE Asia out there. I kept waiting for a Viet Cong ambush. Speaking of VC — let’s “GET SOME!”Vodpod videos no longer available.
Don’t Feel Sorry For Mark Sanchez
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Being an NFL starting quarterback must really suck. Stacks of cash, prime seating at fine eateries and tons of hot ass to bed seems like a nightmarish existence. I’m certain Hilary Rhoda is dating Mark Sanchez because of his biting sense of humor and the fact that he’s a great listener. Sanchez better enjoy the grade A tail while it lasts, because when he’s battling for the Lions backup job in three years, he’ll be lucky to nail a JC Penney catalog model.
Wave goodbye to week six. I was prepared to put my entire shitty roster on the trading block, but I’ll hold off for another week. Stud out.