Thirteen games. Eleven decided by double-digits. It was a bloody Sunday for several teams in week seven. The Colts, Bengals, Saints and Patriots look pretty, pretty good. While the Browns, Rams, Chiefs and Panthers need to be disbanded due to foul play.
Steelcats 108, The Negotiators 87 – You’re having a good week when you start Larry “I hate gays” Johnson and Mike “Lawd lawd” Wallace and win by 21. The deal makers are the Raiders of the Gulfman league, which means they will beat my team this week.
Travelin’ Fools 90, Lame Excuses 59 – Chad Ochocinco actually had a great game. Go figure. Lame is a great name for the excuses, because they came up lame with injuries to Leon Washington and Andre Johnson.
Blind Monkeys 94, Savage Animal 79 – Frank Gore turned in a horrific performance, but it mattered little to the league’s top scoring squad. Animal needs to be put down. They are the definition of uncompetitive.
Syracuse ManahManah 81, Arkansas PurtyMouths 66 – The Mouths clung to a 9 point edge entering the Monday night affair. Then DeSean Jackson marched onto the field. One end-around later and the ‘Cuse were winners. It’s been that kinda year for Arkansas.
Argentina Mistresses 91, Furry Beasts 59 – Miles Austin? 29 points? You cannot be serious! The South American whores are livin’ right. Hines Ward entered the week with 69 fantasy points. He left with the same number. Needless to say, it was a bad Sunday for the beasts.
Veronica 99, Walker’s Talkers 90 – Veronica should treat herself to a day at the spa after this one. Vernon Davis scored three touchdowns? Who the fuck is Vernon Davis? Brian Westbrook got a horse-kick to the head which ruined the gabbers chances for victory.
The Monkeys and Fools are the shit. The Manah and the Mistresses are close to being the shit. Veronica needs to start sleeping her way to the top. Everyone else is garbage.
Chad Johnson – According to Bob Griese, Chad Ochocinco consumed a taco before his game with the Bears, because he played like Speedy Gonzalez on Sunday. Ten grabs for 118 yards and a pair of scores hearkened back to 2007, when Chad wore ill-fitting fake Hall of Fame jackets and the Bengals were an underachieving gang of miscreants and criminals.
Cedric Benson – He hurled inflammatory accusations at the Bears in the week leading up to Sunday’s tussle with his former team. According to Ced, the monsters of the midway blackballed him after his release in 2008. Apparently, being a drunken first-round bust had nothing to do with getting kicked to the curb. Whatever the case, Benson ran roughshod over Chi-town for 189 yards and a touchdown. He is on pace to rush for over 1600 yards.
Miles Austin – Miles Austin sounds like the name of a polo player, not an NFL number one receiver. Yes Roy Williams, you have been replaced. Why? Because you’re a waste of space who can’t get open or catch or stay healthy. Austin followed up his 250 yard performance two weeks ago with a 171 yard, two TD effort versus the not-so fabulous Falcons.
Honorable mention: I’d be willing to wager many a fantasy showdown was decided on Monday night thanks to a man called DeSean Jackson. He only got the ball three times, but that was all it took to amass 136 totals yards and two sixers. Unfortunately, like most of the Eagles offense, DeSean disappeared in the second half.
Greg Jennings – Either defenses are eliminating Greg Jennings from the Packers offensive attack, or the guy is too busy purchasing 80-inch flatscreens and brand new Mercedes to give a shit about playing football this year. Twenty-two catches and one friggin’ touchdown in six games is vomit-inducing. At this point I’d rather have Keith “Mister” Jennings on my fantasy team. At least I know Keith would put forth the effort. Greg has transformed himself into a high-priced decoy who can’t wait for games to end so he can supervise the installation of an Olympic sized swimming pool in his third home in the South of France.
Steve Smith – Well, it was bound to happen. The other Steve Smith has settled into being as mundane as his moniker. Four grabs for 69 yards isn’t terrible, but when facing the 31st ranked pass defense at home, Smitty owners had to be expecting much more. After snagging 34 balls in his first four, Smith has managed only eleven in his last three. He seems to struggle against aggressive man-to-man press coverage. Uh oh.
Frank Gore – Gore’s return from injury was looking pretty good with a lousy Texans defense on the schedule. A paltry 47 yards on 15 touches couldn’t have been what he had in mind. Perhaps he was still hampered by the lingering effects of his sprained ankle, or it could be that he’s an overrated running back who enjoys soaking in a hot tub with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other, instead of readying himself for a game.
How Do You Spell…?
His first name might be a bit strange, but you can’t say the same about his game. Leon Washington’s busted leg benefited Greene on Sunday as he rumbled for 144 yards and two scores. With Leon gone for the year, look for Greene to earn some green for the next nine games. Pick him up if you can.
Reformed Pothead of the Week
It’s been a long strange trip for Ricky Williams. He was a top five draft pick, hired Master P as an agent, posed in a wedding dress, was traded, suspended, retired, studied holistic medicine, unretired, got suspended again, played in the CFL, returned to the NFL and quit smoking marijuana. On Sunday, he totaled 92 yards and found the end zone three times against his former team.
Know What I Mean, Vern?
It took him four years, but Vernon Davis has finally turned himself into a decent NFL tight end. Seven snatches for 93 yards and a trio of trip sixes kept the Niners from being embarrassed by the Texans. I’m sure Michael Crabtree’s mammoth ego and selfish antics will rub off on Vernon by season’s end, leading to another rift with Mike Singletary, and culminating in him being traded to the Chiefs where he will wallow in mediocrity and misery for the remainder of his career.
They Shoot Panthers Quarterbacks, Don’t They?
One of the great mysteries of our time is why the Panthers brain trust chose to give Jake Delhomme a 5-year, $42.5 million contract extension back in April. He’s on the downside of a good, not great career and currently leads the league with 13 interceptions. Basically, he sucks monkey balls. Last I checked, Chris Weinke and Vinny Testaverde are still available.
Bring Out The Iron Maiden
If Matt Forte were to be executed for being a first-round bust, I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep. I loathe taking a guy third overall only to have him discharge diarrhea all over my fake roster. This clown has rushed for less than thirty yards in three games and been held without a touchdown in five of six. This sounds like a job for the iron maiden. It worked for Brandon Jacobs, so I’m hoping this medieval torture device will puncture some sense into an utterly useless Forte.
Nobody’s oiled-up body glistens in the sun quite like Gisele’s. I can’t believe I waited seven weeks before posting an aesthetically pleasing photo of the Queen of the NFL. She really is quite fetching. You gotta think she’s a raging bitch though. I bet Golden Boy Tom can’t even grab a quick drink with the guys after practice without catching shit from her. Not that Tommy would be seen with his pathetic loser teammates anyway. Associating himself with dregs of society would sully his affluent reputation. Tom must maintain his shit don’t stink persona. He does this by attending exclusive Upper West Side parties that serve foie gras and Beluga caviar.
My imaginary team is still a disgrace. If anyone has any Eagles they are willing to part with, I am ready to wheel ‘n’ deal. If I’m going down with the ship, I might as well do it with my Philly boys. Stud signing off.