Week 9 Recap


Best. Friends. Forever.

I ran across an interesting stat on Twitter. 2009 ranks as the third-highest scoring season through nine weeks. 651 TDs have been racked already. The top scoring year was 1983, when 667 touchdowns were posted. Six more teams dropped 30 or more during week 9. All these points and yet my fake team can’t break 80. I suck.

Syracuse ManahManah 81, The Negotiators 69 – The Manah seized control of first place in the Carolina Division with the W. MJD and Ray Rice combined for 36. The dealmakers missed AP, not that he would have made a difference.

Argentina Mistresses 84, Travelin’ Fools 67 – Vincent Jackson is pretty good. He’s recorded double-digit fantasy points in seven of eight games. A pedestrian performance from Peyton killed the Fools.

Walker’s Talkers 84, Steelcats 84 – A fucking tie?! We have to find a way to eliminate this nonsense next year. Ties, like kickers, need to be banned from fantasy ball. Anyway, a late interception by the Steelers D secured the deadlock. Ugh.

Veronica 83, Lame Excuses 82 – Matt Ryan took a steaming dump all over the Georgia Dome turf. Nine points? Unacceptable. His pathetic outing cost the lame ones a victory. Veronica flirted her way into a tie for second in the Carolina Division.

Blind Monkeys 100, Arkansas PurtyMouths 78 – The primates continue to roll over the competition. Not that the PurtyMouths offered much resistance. Jacobs and LT netted a paltry 8 points. Monkeys look like the squad to beat.

Furry Beasts 109, Savage Animal 73 – Woodshed game of the week was over early. Duo of Warner and Turner dropped 57. Animal switched out their runners, but still got humiliated. Par for the course for last year’s champs.

For all intents and purposes, it’s a five team race for the title in the Gulfman League. Everyone else can get a jumpstart on Christmas shopping because they got little or no shot at the postseason.


Five Things I Learned From Week 9:

The Denver Broncos are a fraud – Once again, Kyle Orton has shown the football world that he’s Kyle Orton, not a legit starting quarterback. Three picks at home in a huge conference game is laughable. Not one time did Orton guide his offense into the Steelers red zone. I wouldn’t be shocked if they lose to the ‘Skins this weekend.

Ray Rice is the new Brian Westbrook – You can tell a guy is good when he stands out every week, even if his team is playing like garbage. Rice totaled 135 yards and scored the Ravens lone touchdown. He’s the best dual threat back in the game.

DeAngelo Williams is back! – In his first four games, DAW rushed for 220 yards and two scores. In his last four, he’s rumbled for 543 yards and five trips for six. If the Panthers could ever find a decent signal caller, they could be dangerous.

The Lions are still the Lions – The kitty cats jumped out to 17-0 lead on the ‘Hawks. They promptly went on to lose 32-20. Five interceptions by Matt Stafford seems about right. Calvin Johnson can’t be pleased about the developments in Motor City. Now he knows how Barry Sanders felt for a decade.

The NFC is a two team race – I’ll say it now: either the Vikings or Saints will represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. The Cardinals, Cowboys and Eagles are wannabees. The Packers, Bears, Falcons and Giants are pretenders.

Beard of the Week


This pic doesn’t do Randy’s facial fiasco justice. I saw it this weekend and recoiled in fear. It looks like he was molested by a box of Brillo pads. Moss has always marched to the beat of his own drum, but he’s approaching street vagrant status with his man mane. Maybe he’s signed on to star in a remake of Caveman’s Valentine.

Break Out The Iron Maiden


Apparently, Anquan Boldin needed a few extra days in the maiden. He didn’t even play on Sunday. Nothing reduces ankle swelling like being jabbed with an iron spike, or so I’m told. It also works on bum knees too, which is why this week’s candidate for the medieval torture device is Calvin Johnson. One touchdown in six starts? Not what CJ owners had in mind. A session in the maiden sure beats the hell outta rest and rehab.

Don’t Feel Bad For Matt Stafford


Football players and cheerleaders go together likes peas and carrots. The smart cheer bunnies get their gold-digging hands on future millionaire players before they enter the NFL. Kelly Hall did that very thing to Matt Stafford while they both matriculated at Georgia. Kelly, for all her cuteness, had to endure a lifetime of ridicule due to her small pom poms. Tissues and push-up bras won’t cut the mustard when frolicking on the white sand beaches of Cancun with her man. Lucky for young Kelly, Matthew was gracious enough to use a portion of his $40-million signing bonus to enhance her deficiencies. I think I speak for all when I say money well spent.

That ties a bow on week 9. If you are one of the five teams sittin’ pretty, congrats. If you’re like  me, and you’re team is a fuckin’ disgrace, welcome to the party. Stud. Signing. Off.

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