Week 11 Recap

We are still the Bengals, guys. Which means we suck.

Upsets o’ plenty in the NFL and the Gulfman League during week 11. While the AFC North was shitting the bed from Baltimore to Oakland, the Travelin’ Fools and Syracuse ManahManah were getting bounced by far inferior opponents. Isn’t pro football great?

Savage Animal 88, Travelin’ Fools 82 – The peripatetic clods could ill afford a loss being a game behind the division leading Monkeys. Animal failed to cooperate. Greg Jennings and Kevin Smith led the way with 38 combined points. JStew and Roy Williams came up small for the Fools.

Blind Monkeys 107, Steelcats 92 – The league’s best team trailed entering the Monday night affair. Luckily they had Matt Schaub left to play. His 21 points were more than enough to lock down another W.

Lame Excuses 115, The Negotiators 76 – Adrian Peterson is having a fine season, but he certainly isn’t setting the pigskin on fire. Nine points was all he could muster against the awful Seahawks. Lame ones stay alive for the postseason thanks to ex-Gamecock Sidney Rice and footie Rob Bironas.

Veronica 97, Furry Beasts 77 – Veronica is lookin’ pretty hot lately. It’s either her hair or tits, I can’t decide which. Anyway, Megatron and V.D. racked 38 to lead the charge. Beasts were victimized by Ladell Betts’ early exit due to a boo boo on his knee. Veronica moves into second place by her lonesome in the Carolina Division.

Walker’s Talkers 83, Syracuse ManahManah 78 – Kickers and D/ST will win or lose you on average of three games per fantasy season (I just made that up). The ‘Cuse got a measly nine points from Mare and the Bears D/ST. Meanwhile, the vociferous vandals got 20 from Kaeding and the Packers.

Arkansas PurtyMouths 82, Argentina Mistresses 49 – The woodshed game of the week goes to the league doormat. Old man Favre and Sims-Walker paced the Mouths with 37. The below the Equator skanks failed to check the injury report. Reggie Bush strained an eyelash and couldn’t play. Oh, well.

Only three weeks remain in the fantasy regular season. It’s coming down to the wire. Study those matchups and comb the waiver wire diligently. Playoff spots go to those who pay attention.

Five Things I Learned During Week 11

The Chargers are for real – Are they better than the Colts and Pats? Nah, not yet. But they are clearly the third best team in the AFC. Bengals and Steelers lack firepower. If LaDainian Tomlinson can stay intact the rest of the way, the Chargers could make some noise in January. If only Norv Turner wasn’t their coach. It’s only a matter of time before his raging incompetence costs them a win.

Ricky Williams still has it – I thought it was 2002 last Thursday night while watching Ricky run.  138 total yards and three scores. Not too shabby for a 32-year-old pothead. The Dolphins schedule is brutal down the stretch, so Ricky will have to be superhuman, but I wouldn’t count him out.

Eric Mangini is the dumbest human alive – I am enjoying the Browns and Broncos collapses. These ex-Belichick disciples really believe their shit don’t stink. I lost track of the coaching missteps taken by Mangini in losing a 24-3 lead to the Lions, but they were numerous. For example, why take that timeout at the end which enabled Matt Stafford to re-enter the game? I’ll take an ice cold Culpepper over the guy who threw for 400 yards and five touchdowns.

The Cowboys are a joke – Tony Romo seems to have started his customary December slide a couple weeks early. His play the last two games has been downright laughable. His hands-of-stones receiving corps ain’t doing him any favors, but his lack of touch and vision is costing the offense points.

Fantasy nirvana is coming – The upcoming Saints-Patriots Monday nighter might go down as the greatest fantasy football tussle in the history of mankind. I’ve been looking forward to this one for weeks. Let’s hope the stupid defenses do the right thing and stay at home. If this beauty ends up being a 20-16 snoozefest, I may have to start drinking again. Wait… I never stopped drinking. Okay, I may have to start drinking more.

Mirage of the Week

Brady Quinn and Matthew Stafford combined for 726 yards and nine touchdowns in their epic battle between garbage teams. I wonder how many fantasy GMs actually had these fresh paced punks with flowing locks in their starting lineup; I would hazard to guess only the desperate or stupid ones. Expecting either of these youngins to deliver a repeat performance this season would be foolish. That being said, they engineered one of the more entertaining games of ’09.

Big Boss Man

Kevin Boss snagged five balls for 76 yards and a pair of touchdowns in disposing of the not-so fabulous Falcons. After the first score, Boss clothes-lined safety Erik Coleman, then Hakeem Nicks distracted the referee while Boss beat linebacker Mike Peterson with his nightstick. Then Mr. Perfect came rushing out from the locker room armed with a steel chair, but Boss pulled Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in front of him just in time, and Perfect smashed Heenan in the face, knocking him unconscious. It was quite a scene.

The Team Destroying, Quarterback Hating Prick Is Back!

I picked the above photo strictly for the hat. Look at that abomination! He looks like the reservoir tip on a condom. Check out that eight-pack, though. He must work out. In his first game since living corpse Dick Jauron was shown the door, Mr. Me dropped nine for 197 and a touch on the Jaguars. I bet Jauron was sitting at home in his tattered I-just-got-fired robe and slippers cursing the television as T.O. sauntered into the end zone for a 98-yard score. I have no concrete proof, but I imagine Jauron said something along these lines: “You fucking prima donna piece of shit, where was that the last ten weeks?! ARRRRGGGGG!!!”

Thomas Jones Can’t Afford Bras

Thomas Jones really doesn’t get the pub he deserves, on or off the field. He currently ranks sixth in the NFL in rushing and at 31, is the oldest back of the bunch. Not only can he score between the lines, but he’s also not too shabby between the sheets. Girlfriend Megan Good is adorable, isn’t she? Poor Tom might be saddled with a fat whiner for a head coach and a bust-in-the-making quarterback, but at least he can seek solace in the ample bosom of the lovely Ms. Good.

Week 11 is gone, baby gone. Have a joyous Thanksgiving. Stud out.

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