Week 12 Recap

Party at my house! Bring sleeping pills, a gun and razor blades.

Can we just play the NFC Championship now. The Saints and Vikings are clearly the class of the NFC, if not the NFL. Not sure even Peyton can hang with these two teams. Anywho, we’re getting down to the wire in the Gulfman League. A handful of fake rosters are shuffling for coveted playoff spots. Let’s get to it.

Travelin’ Fools 83, The Negotiators 75 – The Fools are sittin’ pretty after this weekend. The postseason is imminent. Peyton and Pierre seal the deal. The Negotiators need to consider drafting some decent receivers next year. Bozos like Braylon Edwards won’t get it done.

Savage Animal 82, Steelcats 81 – Monday night madness! Cats rolled out Brees and Bell. Animal led by 19 and marched out Maroney. 38 from the Saint duo comes up a point short as the Pats’ back drops 20. It’s all about pride for these two squads. Playoff aspirations faded weeks ago.

Blind Monkeys 89, Lame Excuses 75 – The Lame ones needed a W, but dropped the ball. In point of fact, Matt Ryan’s bum toe dropped the ball. Driver and Tokey Williams lead the way for the mauling Monkeys, who have all but wrapped up the New York Division title.

Arkansas PurtyMouths 88, Furry Beasts 54 – Brett Favre refuses to die and neither do the backwoods rapists. They’ve won two in a row thanks to old man Favre’s 28. Beasts were forced to start Matt Leinart and Rock Cartwright. Enuff said.

Veronica 78, Syracuse ManahManah 72 – Things looked bleak for Veronica entering the Monday night affair. They trailed by a dozen, but had one of Drew Brees’ favorite targets, Marques Colston, ready to roll. 18 points later and Veronica is tied atop the Carolina Division.

Walker’s Talkers 82, Argentina Mistresses 80 – What happened to the Mistresses? They were looking good three weeks ago. Losers of three straight, they are close to total collapse. Talkers play the role of spoiler thanks to the Pack’s 16 points.

Miracles and mathematics aside, it’s a four team race for the 2009 Gulfman League Championship. You know who you are. The rest of us are left to wonder what if.

Five Things I Learned From Week 12:

The Saints are close to unstoppable – Forget about the offense, the Saints D is outstanding. Missing their starting corners and rushing only four most of the game, they manhandled Golden Boy Tom and his pals. The Pats were flat out embarrassed. Beating the Cajuns in the Super Dome won’t be easy.

The Bengals are a fraud – Lose to the Raiders one week, struggle to dispose of the Browns the next. They have one capable receiver and lack an explosive offense. In other words, they are a typical NFC North team, without a Big Ben. Sorry, Carson Palmer ain’t leading this bunch too far come January.

Vince Young is the new Michael Vick – Minus the federal dogfighting conviction. He runs around, completes a couple incredible throws and has no idea what the hell he’s seeing most of the time. The Titans will foolishly hitch their wagon to VY and again be taken for a ride that will end in disaster.

The MVP race is over – Sorry Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Chris Johnson, but the 2009 MVP will be Brett Favre. It’s a lock. No need to endlessly debate the topic. Are you listening ESPN?

Mike Shanahan needs to coach the Texans – The nucleus is in place for Shanny to turn the Texans into a perennial 10-6 team that flops in the opening round of the playoffs every year. His former protege Gary Kubiak has successfully laid the groundwork for failing to meet expectations.

Get Off My Lawn, Damn Kids!

A couple fresh-faced punks caused quite a ruckus on Sunday. Kenny Britt bagged seven balls for 128 and a touch. Percy Harvin snagged six for 101 and a score. Who the hell do these whippersnappers think they are? Rookie wide receivers are supposed to suck. Not this year. The class of’ ’09 has been kicking tuckus. Even the doomed to fail Darrius Heyward-Bey found the end zone on Turkey Day. Shakes fist and curses.

Charles In Charge

Jamaal Charles is certainly making the most of malcontent woman beater and all around jerkoff Larry Johnson getting booted to the curb. 147 total yards and a touchdown are Chris Johnson and MJD type numbers. The Chiefs might be a dreadfully awful team, but fantasy gold is being mined from Charles right now. With matchups with Buffalo and Cleveland on the horizon, Charles could be a factor in capturing fake glory.

The Leinart Effect

If you need a guy to tap a keg or dominate at beer pong, Matty Leinart is your man. If you need someone to fill in for a future Hall of Fame quarterback and lead a team to victory, well, you probably want to look elsewhere. Alas, there was no happy ending for Matty against the resurgent Titans. To be fair, he wasn’t terrible: 21/31 for 220 yards and no turnovers is serviceable, although a touchdown or two would have been ideal. Due to Matty’s painfully average signal calling, Boldin, Fitzy and Breaston all turned in painfully average performances: 53, 34 and 26 yards won’t cut the mustard when playoff spots are on the line. Needless to say, old man Warner can’t return quick enough.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

The maiden gets a push for last week. The aforementioned Matt Leinart didn’t don a mask and cape, but he didn’t shat himself either. This week’s victim is long overdue for a few days inside everyone’s favorite medieval torture device. Step right up, Jay Cutler. The much-maligned Bears savior has been abysmal pretty much the entire season. 16 TD tosses compared to 20 picks. Alright, he gets the Rams on Sunday. At 1-10, we can all agree they are a festering boil filled with thick yellow puss. The maiden will do its job. The question is, will Jay? If not, it may be time to have him drawn and quartered.

Back By Popular Demand

I still can’t figure out why Jeff Garcia doesn’t have a job in the NFL. After watching chumps like Kyle Boller, Bruce Gradkowski and Ryan Fitzpatrick take steaming dumps all over stadiums and domes every week, I’m convinced Garcia is being blackballed by coaches and GMs. Perhaps they are jealous of his stunningly gorgeous wife, Carmella DeCesare. Truthfully, I could give a shit if Garcia returns to the game. I just needed an excuse to post another pic of Carmella. Mission accomplished.

Stud signing off.

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