The Best and Worst of the 2011 Gulfman League Draft

Another eventful and brisk fantasy draft is in the books. Save for a couple technical snafus, it was smooth as a supermodel’s ass. Thanks to the Commish for once again running the show and a special bow to the drafters for making speedy picks. With the pleasantries out of the way, it’s time to do a little bashing and praising. Some teams look stout. Others, not so much. In case you need reminding, Stud pulls no punches. Just like Chris Brown on a dinner date. *rimshot*

10 Best Draft Picks (in random order)

10) Matt Forte, 25th overall – Lame Excuses: This is what the experts call a “value pick.” Forte finished above Ray Rice, MJD and Steven Jackson in 2010 and yet he slips into the 3rd round. Sure, he plays in the catatonic Bears offense, but he‘s pretty much all they got.  Plus, he’s playing for a new contract, which never hurts.Paired with AP, the Lame ones have a potent backfield.

9) Dez Bryant, 42nd overall – Blind Monkeys: Here’s the deal with the Cowboys. Their defense is shit. New coordinator Rob Ryan will be chewing on his stupid gray hair by Week 2. Which means Romo and Co. will be involved in plenty-o-shootouts. Dez will drop an easy pass now and again, and will probably miss a couple games with a stubbed toe, but he’s got skillz, brah.

8) Tim Hightower, 56th overall – Steelcats: Either the ‘Cats took my receiver rant to heart, or they’re really, really shrewd. Rather than reach for so-called stud runners in the early rounds, they waited and pounced on preseason wonder Tim Hightower in the 5th. Mike Shanahan can be a fantasy migraine when it comes to his backfield, but Ryan Torain is built like Mr. Glass and Roy Helu is a rookie who can’t pass protect. He acquired Hightower for a reason. Think Mike Anderson in 2005. 1000 yards and 10 scores sounds about right in Shanny’s zone-blocking, one-cut scheme.

7) Mike Tolbert, 62nd overall – Savage Animal: Like Hightower, Tolbert is a three-down back who can catch, pickup a blitz and crush inside the five. Ryan Mathews is a better pure runner, but he’s unproven and a tad brittle. The Chargers will score A LOT in 2011, so look for Tolbert to at least duplicate his numbers (900-plus yards, 11 TDS) from a season ago. Not bad for a number three back.

6) Mario Manningham, 64th overall – Furry Beasts: Here’s the deal with the Giants. Their defense is shit. A rash of preseason injuries decimated a promising secondary. Eli will be chuckin’ the ol’ pigskin every week. Steve Smith and Kevin Boss are gone. With Hakeem Nicks drawing coverage, Mario’s deep speed will come in handy, provided Eli doesn’t throw to the wrong colored jersey.

5) Owen Daniels, 68th overall – Lordosis Rex: Brad (really?) probably reached a round early for Daniels, but that’s copastetic because the big tight end is the second receiving option in a powerful Texans offense.  He’s fully recovered from the 2009 ACL tear, so he should post solid numbers in 2011. The magic eight-ball says 800 yards and seven scores.

4) Jermichael Finley, 76th overall – Hartstoppers: Finley went off the board as the first pick in the 5th last year. A torn ACL later causes him to slide to the 7th. He might be shaky in September, but once he finds his legs, look the @#$% out! Aaron Rodgers loves, loves, loves throwing to Finley, especially in the red zone. He’ll be tough to keep on the pine.

3) Nate Burleson, 90th oveall – Blind Monkeys: Like the Steelcats, the Monkeys wisely loaded up on quality pass catchers in a league that starts three. Burleson lit it up in August, snagging a touchdown in all three exhibition games. With Megatron on the other side, Nate Dogg will make a nice security blanket for Matt Stafford.

2) Aaron Hernandez, 109th overall – Indiana Obesities: Great value for the 10th round. Hernandez might be the Patriots best deep threat. More importantly, Golden Boy Tom likes him. And when Tommy likes ya, good things happen.

1) Javon Ringer, 164th overall – Lordosis Rex: If Chrissy Johnson’s holdout carries over into the regular season and beyond, Ringer is an absolute must handcuff. Even if Chrissy plays Week 1, a dreaded hamstring pull or sprained ankle is inevitable. As a CJ2K owner, Brad (really?) wisely snagged Ringer, although Clemson alum Jamie Harper will steal some carries.

10 Worst Draft Picks (again, in random order)

10) Peyton Hillis, 15th overall – Syracuse ManahManah: Too soon to take the White Buffalo. His offensive line just lost guard Eric Steinbach, who was integral to opening running lanes. His bruising style makes him susceptible to injury. And yes, he was on the cover of Madden, if you believe in silly curses.

9) Jahvid Best, 28th overall – Hartstoppers: Spends too much time in the tub. Won’t get the bulk of goal line carries. He’s a Lions running back. Other than that, Best is the best.

8) Felix Jones, 35th overall – Savage Animal: Animal actually loves Felix this season, but admits to reaching for him. Like Best, he’s unreliable and could lose goal line carries to other backs.

7) Chad Ochocinco, 47th overall – The Negotiators: Some people chose to ignore my rant about receivers. Ocho would’ve been available in round seven or eight. Selecting him as a number two behind gimpy Antonio Gates is what the experts call stupid “risky.”

6) Josh Freeman, 69th overall – Hartstoppers: Freeman threw for over 300 yards zero times in 2010. Remove his Week 16 237 yard, five TD performance, he ends the season with 3214 yards and 20 touchdowns. Tampa didn’t add any playmakers to the mix and he plays in a run first offense. Lucky for the Stoppers, they plucked Matt Stafford two rounds later.

5) Marcedes Lewis, 82nd overall – Syracuse ManahManah: There’s no way Lewis repeats his 10-TD season from 2010.  He scored SEVEN total touchdowns from 2006-2009. Jacksonville’s offense is atrocious. I’m just not feelin’ this pick.

4) Braylon Edwards, 83rd overall – Savage Animal: I forgot the 49ers have a pair of waterheads at quarterback. Edwards is a good player stuck in an awful situation. He should’ve signed with the Bears. I punched myself in the thigh after pulling the trigger on this one.

3) Steelers D, 89th overall – Steelcats: I loathe taking a defense before round 12, no matter how awesome they might be.  Just a personal preference.

2) Rashad Jennings, 99th overall – Travelin’ Fools: If the Fools owned MJD the pick makes sense. They don’t. The better pick would’ve been Tokey (Ricky) Williams since they own Ray Rice. Even if MJD goes down, Jennings kinda sucks.

1) Sebastian Janikowski, 132nd overall – Lame Excuses: Someone had to grab a kicker in round 11. This year it was the Terrible Alibis. At least SeaBass is a good one.

Fun fact: Neither Randy Moss or Terrell Owens were drafted. The times they are a changin’.

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