Pro pigskin is back. All is right in the world (except for the never-ending war and poverty ravaging two-thirds of the planet). As expected, it was a slightly more sloppy opening weekend than we’re accustomed to seeing. How sloppy? The Steelers committed seven turnovers and the Texans defense was dominant. What’s next, cats and dogs living together?
Even more vexing was the quarterback play. Joe Flacco, Rex Grossman, Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Alex Smith, Andy Dalton, Luke McCown and Kevin Kolb all led their charges to wins. Meanwhile, Eli Manning, Matt Ryan, Matt Cassel Josh Freeman and Sam Bradford looked anywhere from average to horrendous.
Speaking of horrendous: 7/15, 39 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. That was the stat line for one Donovan McNabb. The stench of his ineptitude could be smelled from the beaches of southern California to the streets of Philadelphia. They shoot horses, don’t they?
At the opposite end of the spectrum was Cameron Newton. The soon-to-have-his-Heisman-Trophy-stripped-for-accepting-improper-benefits number one pick smashed the rookie debut record for passing yards after torching Arizona’s JUCO secondary for 422 and a pair of touchdown bombs to Steve “I’m not dead yet” Smith. Crazy. Stay tuned for a waiver wire bidding war to acquire his services.
Behold, bullet points!
- Five running backs received nine or more targets in the passing game: Reggie Bush, Mike Tolbert, Cadillac Williams, Darren Sproles and Earnest Graham. Even in non PPR leagues, backs who catch the ball make serviceable bye week replacements.
- Matt Cassel completed 22-36 passes for 119 yards. I’m not even sure how this is possible. Cassel blows, but 5.4 yards per completion is absurd. The Chiefs are staring at 3-13. Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe owners beware.
- It’s only one week, but if you own an Indy Horsie, it might be time to sell. I’d rather watch Eat, Pray, Love than a Manningless Colts offense.
- Plaxico Burress got 9 targets and caught 4 for 72 and a touch. If he continues at this pace, he’ll be a solid number two receiver. Until he shoots himself in the groin while digging for change at a Burger King drive-thru.
- The 49ers made five trips into the red zone and walked away with four field goals. They also converted 1/12 third downs. Against Seattle. If you own a San Fran back or pass catcher, prepare for a maddening season.
- Fourteen quarterbacks eclipsed 300 yards in Week 1, including three over 400 and one over 500. Further evidence teams that rely on power running like the Rams, Chiefs, Giants and Vikings are becoming obsolete. By the way, all four of those teams lost.
Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit hot chicks for being hot and stuff. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.
The Jessica Biel Wonders of the Week
Lame Excuses (112.3 points) – It would’ve been easy to anoint the Travelin’ Fools this week’s top team. After all, Golden Boy Tom did toss for 517 yards and four scores. Stud don’t roll that way. Fuck Tom Brady and his supermodel wife, luscious hair and UGG boots. The Lame Ones lost Peyton Manning before the season began. Did they bitch and pout? No. They handed the rock to Hahvad man Ryan Fitzpatrick who responded with four touchdowns against the woeful Chiefs. Tight end Jimmy Graham notched a score, SeaBass booted a record-tying 63-yard field goal on Monday night, and draft day steal Matt Forte chipped in 21.8. When the smoke cleared, the Excuses eviscerated defending champion Lordosis Rex by more than 30 points. However, it’s not all puppy dogs and ice cream for the Alibis. Marques Colston busted a collar-bone and AP’s touchdown total could be in jeopardy. But for this week there ain’t no shame in being lame.
The Lindsay Lohan Disasters of the Week
The Negotiators (60.6 points) – My 19-year-old Kazakhstani mail-order bride — who doesn’t speak English and thinks football is a medieval form of torture — knew Arian Foster wasn’t starting on Sunday. Everyone knew Arian Foster wasn’t starting on Sunday. Everyone that is except The Negotiators. Drafting Foster and his chronic hamstring problems was a risk, but handcuffing him with Derrick Ward or Ben Tate would’ve provided protection. Did The Negotiators do this? No. As such, they got a big fat ZERO from their number one back. Fourth-round pick Chad Ochocinco lived up to his has-been status with one catch for 14 yards. Adding insult to insult, Steve Smith’s 29.8 points was riding the pine. Stud can’t really fault keeping Smith out of the lineup, although he’s much safer than Ocho or Julio. Bad start for the Adjudicators. They better hope Foster gets healthy soon because Ben Tate looked pretty darn good.
Sayonara, Week 1. Stud signing off.