The Best and Worst of Week 2

I am a leaf on the wind - watch how I soar.

The great equalizer in fantasy football once again reared its ugly head during Week 2. Injuries. It would be easy to blame the abbreviated offseason for this rash of breaks and tears, but that would be naive. Bodies are bashed and bruised at a feverish and unpredictable rate every single Sunday. It’s football.

No matter how much the powers that be alter the rulebook to lessen the chance of catastrophic ailments, they are going to happen. Move up kickoffs, increase fines, throw more penalty flags, blah, blah and blah. I see more horse-collar tackles now than I did before they had a name. Quarterbacks are still getting their knees caved in by diving pass rushers. Defensive backs are still headhunting wide receivers. It’s football.

The list of wounded fantasy players is long and distinguished: Jamaal Charles, Mike Vick, Arian Foster, Tony Romo, Felix Jones, Miles Austin, Aaron Hernandez, Mario Manningham, Eddie Royal, Malcolm Floyd. Add this bunch to last week’s casualties that include Steven Jackson, Marques Colston, Dez Bryant, Brandon Lloyd, Knowshon Moreno, Sidney Rice and Danny Amendola, it’s no surprise some owners’ rosters are severely depleted.

And it’s only Week 2. Yay!

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Behold, bullet points!

  • Mike Vick has 45.6 points in two games and he’s already hurt. Cam Newton has 70.8 and he’s healthy. Vick was drafted 6th overall. Newton went undrafted. Matt Stafford (8th round) is ranked fifth overall in points. Ryan Fitzpatrick (14th round) is tenth. Why again are you taking a quarterback early?
  • Isaac Redman, Marcel Reese, John Kuhn, Danny Woodhead, C.J. Spiller and Daniel Thomas have more points than Chris Johnson’s 11.4.
  • Bengals rookie A.J. Green was targeted 14 times on Sunday. Among wide receivers, only Miles Austin, Vincent Jackson and Jeremy Maclin had more.
  • It’s only two weeks, but if you own an Indy Horsie, it might be time to sell. I’d rather watch a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie marathon than a Manningless Colts offense.
  • Antonio Gates — drafted 26th overall — caught zero passes and was targeted once versus the Patriots. It was the first time he was held without a catch since December 2008. He currently ranks 23rd in scoring among tight ends.
  • Ben Tate ranks third in rushing with 219 yards. Arian who?
  • Four Patriots pass catchers are on pace to snag at least 80 balls: Welker, Branch, Gronkowski and Hernandez. Chad Ochocinco is on pace to catch less than 30.
  • Mike Tolbert leads the league in receptions with 17. Matt Forte and Darren Sproles are tied for third with 15. This ain’t your daddy’s NFL.
  • Contrary to Reggie Bush’s inflated opinion of himself, Reggie Bush is still a hunk of shit.

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit hot chicks for being hot and stuff. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.

The Scarlett Johansson Wonders of the Week

Greenville Hartstoppers (131.1 points) – September 14th, 2011. A day that will live in infamy. The day that nude photos of Scarlett Johansson leaked on the internet. Stud loves pinheads like Scarlett. Despite living in an age where any and all technological devices can be hacked by computer savvy dorks with raging hard-ons, loads of lovely ladies still operate under the assumption that a candid cell phone pic of their tits and/or ass will be kept private. Stud tips his hat to these insecure dolts. Their stupidity is our gain.

Speaking of gain, the Hartstoppers gained sole control of first place in the Carolina Division after mashing the Obesities by 34. And they did so without starting recent free agent acquisition Cam Newton. Vinnie Jackson went bonkers and a ferocious Jets D pillaged the laughable Jaguars offense by picking off four Luke McCown ducks. How good a weekend was it for the Stoppers? Their bench scored 111 points! It’s not all champagne and caviar for G-ville. Jamaal Charles is finished and deciding between Newton and Stafford every week could cause headaches. That being said, they look strong like bull.

The Lindsay Lohan Disasters of the Week

Syracuse ManahManah (86 points) – Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a bright young Hollywood star brimming with potential and milky white breasts? Stud sure does. Now, she’s little more than a tabloid punchline. A drunken cokehead with bottle blonde locks and a chronic case of genital warts (allegedly). Her criminal record reads longer than her list of IMDb credits. Hell, she couldn’t even keep a job playing legendary porn star Linda Lovelace. She’s the Queen of Trainwrecks and appears destined to end up dead in a dingy North Hollywood motel room surrounded by empty crack vials and a convulsing, emaciated Guatemalan named Mateo. Nevertheless, Stud remains smitten.

The ‘Cuse’s putrid receiving corps is killing them. Early Doucet? Hines Ward? Kellen Winslow? Ugh. They benched Michael Turner (which Stud finds admirable), but his 20.6 points wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Tony Romo’s early onset Osteoporosis is becoming an issue and backup Donovan McNabb offers nada unless quarterbacks are rewarded for balls in the dirt. Trading either Benson or Turner might help in the short-term, but until one of these tight ends or scrub receivers starts producing consistently, the Manah will be hurting for points.

Kiss Week 2 goodbye. Stud out.

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