Handing Out First Quarter Grades

He's Camtastic!

Rather than do the normal weekly review, Stud is taking time out to “analyze” the twelve Gulfman League teams to see which ones can start booking postseason reservations, which ones need work and which ones should start dreaming about 2012. Let’s get crackin’.

Lame Excuses (4-0) – Undefeated and highest scoring team. Geesh, imagine if they had a healthy Peyton Manning. Draft day steal Matt Forte, rookie A.J. Green and tight end Jimmy Graham are killin’ it. Running back depth is a concern as is Adrian Peterson’s somewhat sluggish start. Can Hahvad man Ryan Fitzpatrick continue his poised play? Stud is skeptical, but so far, so good for the Lame ones. A

Savage Animal (2-2) – An army of two. Darren McFadden and Calvin Johnson are carrying an otherwise weak roster. Big Ben and Santonio Holmes are busts. Finding a consistent number two runner has proven difficult. The search for a reliable number three receiver continues. Animal is one injury away from fading into obscurity. The forecast is cloudy with a 70% chance of showers. B-

Furry Beasts (1-3) – Stud knows the frustrations of owning a high scoring team with a losing record. It sucks fat, hairy ass. Injuries to Steven Jackson and Miles Austin have kept the Beasts out of the win column. Wes Welker is the leading candidate for fantasy MVP. MJD and Jordy Nelson are solid. If they get healthy and Mario Manningham reappears in the Giants offense, a quick turnaround is possible. C+

Lordosis Rex (1-3) – If Chris Johnson was the 2009 version of himself and not the useless bag of shit he’s been ever since, sexy Rexy would be 3-1. Drew Brees, Ryan Mathews, Greg Jennings, Rob Gronkowski? Stud is flummoxed. Things might appear bleak now, but don’t be shocked if this star-studded team reels off three or four wins and enters the playoff picture. You heard it here first. B- (on the rise)

Travelin’ Fools (1-3) – A classic case study in why quarterbacks are overrated in fantasy. Golden Boy Brady has been his usual awesome self, yet the Fools are still struggling. Shonn Greene’s 1.8 yards per carry and a cloud of bowel gas ain’t gettin’ it done. Brandon Marshall is underachieving, again. DeSean Jackson is maddeningly inconsistent, again. Tony G has been serviceable and Vernon Davis is showing signs of life, so all is not lost. Or maybe it is. C-

Blind Monkeys (1-3) – Shady McCoy has been better than advertised. Eric Decker could be the waiver wire gem of the year not named Cam. Unfortunately, Matt Schaub has been a bum and Dez Bryant can’t finish a game. If Hakeem Nicks stays out of the tub and Nate Washington transforms into a reliable weekly play, a playoff push is within reach. However, the quarterback situation is troublesome, especially now that Andre Johnson is hobbled and Arian Foster is healthy. C+

Greenville Hartstoppers (4-0) – Undefeated, despite losing first-round pick Jamaal Charles to a torn ACL. Picking up Cam Newton and trading him for Fred Jackson saved the season. Shrewd move, indeed. The Stoppers have incredible depth at wide receiver and the Jets D/ST is racking up beaucoup points. Barring a Matt Stafford injury, which is always a distinct possibility, this team is poised to make a run at the league title. (Psst… Darren Sproles is better than Jahvid Best.) A+

Indiana Obesities (3-1) – Winning in fantasy football is all about taking chances. The Lardasses took one when they shipped Fred Jackson to the Stoppers for leading points scorer, Cam Newton. As long as Newton doesn’t suddenly morph into JaMarcus Russell, the vibes will remain positive in the Hoosier State. That being said, Mendenhall and Tampa Mike Williams need to wake the fuck up soon. B+

Steelcats (2-2) – Stud wrote prior to the season that the ‘Cats running backs needed to pan out for them to contend. Well, that’s not happening. Knowshon Moreno is MIA and Mike Shanahan has started playing backfield bingo. Not good. Adding injury to insult, Andre Johnson will miss at least a couple of weeks with a bad hammy. Unless Marshawn Lynch becomes a good football player, the outlook ain’t too bright. C+ (moving down)

Walker’s Talkers (2-2) – The good news is Mike Vick and Frank Gore looked phenomenal in Week 4. The bad news is both are still injury prone. Not having a legit number one receiver is also a problem. Maybe Victor Cruz or Torrey Smith will become consistent point producers, because Percy Harvin, Bob Meachem and Mal Floyd are useless. Stud likes the bruising Blount, but wonders how he’ll perform against tough run defenses. B-

Syracuse ManahManah (2-2) – It’s a small miracle the Manah are .500. They have yet to eclipse 90 points and their best pass catcher is Jason Witten, who has scored one touchdown. Ced Benson is facing a suspension and Peyton Hillis is losing carries to Montario Hardesty. Stud has already covered the pathetic receiving corps. On the flip-side, Tony Romo continues to pile up points and both footies kick for mediocre offenses. D

The Negotiators (1-3) – Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers. To wit, he’s a stud. Arian Foster is baaaaccckkkkk!!! Steve Smith is on pace for over 2000 yards receiving. The rest of the roster is, uh, not very stellar. Antonio Gates remains a huge question mark. If ‘Bama rookies Mark Ingram and Julio Jones switch on the light, the Arbitrators could become downright lethal. (Stud predicts they’ll win easily in Week 5.) C (with potential)

Good luck to all the rest of the way. Stud. Signing. Off.

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