The Superlative and Substandard of Week 5

Hey, you dropped something.

It was a bit of an odd Sunday in the National Football League. Matt Cassel threw four touchdown passes, Jonathan Dwyer ran for 107 yards and Doug Baldwin caught 8 balls for 136 yards and a touchdown. That’s what I call a great big bowl of What The Fuck.

On a related note, one of my other fake rosters was kicked from the ranks of the unbeaten by a team calling itself the Fruity Frankenberries. If I were a member of the Yakuza, I’d be required to commit Yubitsume in order to atone for such a shameful defeat. Luckily, I’m of the Irish persuasion and am therefore required to drink a fifth of Jameson and pass out on my couch. Mission accomplished.

Anyway, this circus clown’s team is a combination of his two favorite cereals — Fruity Pebbles and Frankenberry. Gah. The inside of his mouth must look like a quartz mine.

A couple of observations regarding the above pic. How the hell do you make Fruity Pebbles better tasting? Inject them with Oxycontin? And take at gander at what’s ‘Free Inside’ the box of Frankenberry. That’s right sports fans, a Pop Rocket! Now, are we supposed to shoot our eye out before or after we awaken from the sugar coma? Post and General Mills should be firebombed for triggering an increase in childhood diabetes and needless trips to the emergency room.

Losing to testosterone-infused manly man opponents like the V-8 Interceptors or The Bloody Fists is much easier to stomach. But Fruity Frankenberries? I deserve to be slapped in the face with a giant pink dildo. I mean the guy’s team isn’t even very good. He started Curtis Fucking Painter, and sure enough that human colostomy bag goes out and hangs 21 points on my ass. Fantasy Football Gods, thou have forsaken me! Eat a dick.

Sure, it’s fantasy football, but it’s still football. I like to live under the illusion I’m Bill Parcells screaming at Otis Anderson to hit the hole harder in Super Bowl XXV. In reality, I’m the belligerent jackass yelling at the television for stupid Mark Sanchez to stop overthrowing Santonio Holmes. I’m also the same dope who named his team the Hungry Woodchucks based solely on the following scene from the very entertaining — albeit too clever for its own good — Easy A.

Dude in silly woodchuck costume gnawing on log will make me laugh until I’m a burden on my unborn children. Solid movie, even though Emma Stone’s character, Olive, is basically Juno from Juno, minus the pregnant belly. Ya know, the supercool teenage girl with an endless supply of witty retorts who uses words like “pursuant.” I’m 38 years old and I can’t recall ever using “pursuant” in a verbal exchange. Then again, I’m not a fictional teenage girl attending high school in Ojai, California so what the fuck do I know? Nevertheless, Stone is cute and has a sexy, raspy voice similar to Scarlett Johansson. An added bonus: Aly Michalka plays her best friend.

Her nickname in the film is Big Tits. Casting department for the win.

Trendspotting

Behold, bullet points!

  • Of the Top 10 rushers in the NFL, only three were drafted in the first-round of the Gulfman League draft. Three were selected in the fifth-round or later.
  • Golden Boy Brady leads the league in 20-plus yard completions with 30. Cam Newton is second with 29. Matt Ryan has 13.
  • Saints tight end Jimmy Graham ranks fourth in receiving. Graham was a sixth-round pick. Mike Williams ranks 86th in receiving. Williams was a third-round pick.
  • Matt Hasselbeck ranks 11th in Gulfman League scoring. He was drafted in the 13th round. Cam Newton ranks first in scoring. He was undrafted. Insert ‘quarterbacks are overvalued’ rant here.
  • Chris Wells has netted at least 12 fantasy points in all four starts. He was drafted in the sixth-round. Chris Johnson has scored over 12 fantasy points once in five starts. He was drafted fifth overall.
  • Miles Austin has 47.3 points in two games. Roddy White has 47.2 in five games.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick has 23.7 points in the last two weeks. Curtis Painter has 39.8. Matt Cassel has 44.
  • Through five weeks, the 100-point plateau has been eclipsed 22 times in Gulfman League matchups. At this stage last year, it had been surpassed ten times. Geesh, you think the offenses are way ahead of the defenses?

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.

The Elizabeth Hurley Wonders of the Week

Lame Excuses (125.5 points) – The above photo was taken in July. Of this year. On the set of Gossip Girl. A show I’ve never seen. [I can’t believe Chuck isn’t the father of Blair’s baby. She must be lying to him, right? And what’s the deal with Dan’s hair?” -Ed.] Hurley is 46. 46!!! Look at those curves. Incredible. Liz also has pristine choppers, which is strange because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Austin Powers movies and Benny Hill reruns, it’s British folk never saw a tooth-brush they liked. And Liz is really British. How British? She’s engaged to a cricketer. That’s like a Mexican chick being engaged to a drug kingpin.

The Lame ones are Wonders for a second time this season which means two things: 1) they are really good and 2) the rest of us are fighting for second place. They are the only undefeated team and have nearly a 70-point lead in total points. The lowest score they’ve posted is 97.8. A quintet of AP, Forte, Wallace, Graham and A.J. Green is potent with a capital “Fuck me I have to play this juggernaut on Sunday!” I may have to issue fatwas on Peterson and Graham just so I don’t lose by 50. *kicks self in groin for not drafting Graham in the fifth-round*

The Amy Winehouse Disasters of the Week

Furry Beasts (67.9 points) – I present Exhibit A as evidence to British folk’s aversion to dentistry. Methinks a steady diet of booze, heroin and ketamine isn’t conducive to oral health, or health in general considering Winehouse is pushing daisies. I’m still pissed she couldn’t hold out for another three months because I had 28 in the death pool. C’mon, dying at 27 is so passé in the music industry. And she died from a seizure. BORRRRRINGGGGG. At least Kurt Cobain had the common courtesy to eat a shotgun. That’s rock ‘n’ roll!

The Beasts are heading in the wrong direction. They still rank third in points, but at 1-4 they are staring at a must-win game this week. The good news is both Miles Austin and Steven Jackson are on the comeback trail; Austin draws the Patriots horrid secondary while Jackson gets a stout Packers run defense. The bad news is MJD has scored only two touchdowns and Mario Manningham is losing catches to Victor “Caribbean” Cruz. Oh, Joe Addai is hurt, again. Damn, injuries suck.

Lights out on Week 5. Stud has some planking to do.

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