The Superlative and Substandard of Week 8

Puss(y) in boots.

If Week 7 of the NFL season resembled a slasher flick then Week 8 leaned more toward the supernatural. Think Poltergeist rather than Nightmare on Elm Street. Strange noises went bump in the afternoon, chairs mysteriously slid across floors and toy clown dolls came to life with intent to commit murder. Bottom line: it was one of those weird Sundays.

How weird was it? Well, the Saints were haunted by the ghastly Rams, the Bills defense pitched a ghostly shutout, the frighteningly dysfunctional Eagles looked like a real team and Tom Brady was scared poopless by the monstrous Steelers defense.

Want more spooks and scares? Sure you do. Reggie Bush rushed for over 100 yards (*gasp*), the 49ers completed passes to an offensive lineman and a nose tackle (*gulp*) and Tarvaris Jackson threw for a career high 323 yards (*faints*). It was all tricks and very few treats, kinda like those jackass neighbors who hand out apples and toothbrushes on Halloween. BOOOOO!!!!

Even more eerie were some of the players populating Gulfman League lineups in Week 8. Due to a glut of injuries and those pain in the rump byes, the following fools heard their name called: Roy Helu, Keiland Williams, Dexter McCluster, Michael Jenkins, LaRod Stephens-Howling, Davone Bess, Delone Carter and Damian Williams. Ugh.

It was downright apocalyptic, right Ghostbusters?

Mass hysteria indeed. As for my flaming bag of dog turd fantasy team? Losers of six straight and decimated by injuries, they are donezo. Alas, poor Savage! I knew him…

Trendspotting

Behold, bullet points!

  • As awful as Quarterback Jesus was on Sunday, he still outscored Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Tony Romo. Ain’t fantasy football grand?
  • Which quarterback has thrown the most interceptions? Philip Rivers. How many quarterbacks have thrown more than Rivers’ seven touchdown passes? 22, including Kyle Orton, Alex Smith, Andy Dalton and Colt McCoy.
  • Only two running backs have netted double-digit points in every game: LeSean McCoy and Fred Jackson.
  • Prior to Sunday, the last time Steven Jackson rushed for two touchdowns was December of 2008. Thanks for picking this week to go off, Steve. Asshole.
  • Calvin Johnson has 11 scores. The next closest wide receiver/tight end has six.
  • Rookie A.J. Green has posted double-digit points in all but one game. Reggie Wayne has posted double-digit points in only one game.
  • Tight end A has 11 catches for 136 yards and two touchdowns in his last two starts. Tight end B has five catches for 35 yards and zero touchdowns in his last two starts. Tight end A is Brent Celek. Tight end B is Vernon Davis.
  • Joel Dreessen and Scott Chandler have combined for nine TDs. Marcedes Lewis and Zach Miller have combined for zero.
  • The Excuses and Hartstoppers face-off this week in the fantasy brouhaha of the year. No AP for the Lame ones and no Stafford for the Stoppers. Strap in, folks.

The Kate Beckinsale Wonders of the Week

Blind Monkeys (91.6 points) – If we’re to believe Wikipedia (and why wouldn’t we?), Kate doesn’t drink but loves to smoke. She speaks Russian, but only to her bikini-waxer. She was anorexic as a teenager, suffers from stomach ulcers and hates wearing knickers (nice). Her middle name is Bailey. She stars in the Total Recall remake playing the Sharon Stone role from the original. Reportedly has an IQ of 152. Once killed a man with a claw hammer just to watch him die. Loves French food. Hates dolphins. Okay, I made up that last one.

The visually impaired knuckle draggers make the grade this week for climbing back to .500 and for utilizing the waiver wire to near perfection. Antonio Gates, DeMarco Murray, Jackie Battle and Eric Decker have all been plucked from the scrap heap. Having Shady McCoy helps, but considering Reggie Wayne and The Law Firm are circling bust status, and Dez Bryant, Felix Jones and Hakeem Nicks get hurt sneezing, the Monkeys are fortunate to be sitting in the fourth seed. They’re like a short, scrappy, white wide receiver with a high motor and strong work ethic.

Speaking of scrappy white wideouts, Julian Edelman was charged today with indecent assault and battery after fondling a woman at a Halloween party on Monday night.

C’mon, he was obviously under the influence. He can’t be held accountable for groping some chick’s ass and/or crotch. It’s her fault for wearing a Sexy Nurse getup. Besides, Edelman was dressed as Drunken Frat Guy Guilty of Date Rape. If anything, he should be given a prize for Best Costume.

The Sarah Jessica Parker Disasters of the Week

Lordosis Rex (67.7 points) – Was Sarah Jessica Parker ever hot? I think she might have been doable around the time of LA Story, but that was 20 years ago. Since then she has slowly morphed into a thoroughbred. Fans of bestiality and professional jockeys probably think she’s a real catch, but those of us who prefer feminine over equine characteristics are offended by Hollywood’s false promotion of her as sexy and desirable. Get this bitch a one-way ticket to the nearest glue factory.

Rex is getting singled out for one reason and one reason alone: Chris Johnson. CJ is the living, breathing definition of a flop. One touchdown and 302 yards rushing in seven games? To put that ineptitude in perspective, DeMarco Murray has 327 yards in the last two games. What. The. Fuck. Johnson is a bleeding hemorrhoid on the asshole of fantasy football. He deserves to have the soles of his stupid feet smashed with a hot poker.

Toss ’em on the Dung Heap

The following bozos should be dropped or benched:

DeAngelo Williams – Why again did the Panthers pay him $43 million? I mean, they don’t even use the guy. He’s scored less than eight fantasy points in six of eight games. It’s not as if he sucks, because he’s averaging 4.8 yards per carry. Nevertheless, he’s third on the depth chart behind Cam and J-Stew.

Peyton Manning – This goes without saying, but Manning won’t play in 2011. The Colts are hurtling toward the 0-16 abyss without a parachute.

All Redskins running backs – Torain? Helu? Choice? They’d be better off bringing back Clinton Portis.

Denarius Moore – Less than one point in three straight. DHB emerging. Houshmandzadeh signed. It’s not looking good for the speedy rook.

Jermichael Finley – Too many proverbial mouths to feed in Packer land. Remove Finley’s Week 3 26.5-point explosion, he’s been dreadful.

Dustin Keller – Hasn’t scored in double-digits since Week 2. His quarterback is Mark Sanchez. That is all.

———–

Hasta la vista, Week 8. Welcome to November.

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