The Superlative and Substandard of Week 9

I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

Week 9 belonged to the bozos. Several unheralded fantasy players found paydirt and nearly a dozen footies netted nine points or more. There’s nothing more frustrating than watching some clown-shoed dolt spill into the end zone while your stud runner or receiver is standing on the sidelines.

When Matt Moore outscores Drew Brees, there’s a problem. When Marshawn Lynch and Reggie Bush outperform LeSean McCoy and Ray Rice, there’s a problem. When Anthony Fasano racks twice as many points as Jimmy Graham, there’s a problem.

So, if you lost this week, blame the following assholes: Marcel Reese, John Conner, Marion Barber, Earl Bennett, Lavelle Hawkins, Jacoby Ford, Josh Cribbs, Jabar Gaffney, Laurent Robinson, Eddie Royal, Andre Caldwell, Jerome Simpson, Jake Ballard, Matt Spaeth and Colin Cochart — none of whom graced Gulfman League lineups.

I think Butch and Sundance said it best:

On the bright side, Vinnie Jackson and Phil Rivers finally awakened from their slumbers, which contributed greatly to the Hartstoppers and Steelcats notching victories. Speaking of the Stoppers, they earned a round of applause for bouncing the mighty Lame Excuses from the ranks of the unbeaten. Needless to say, Adrian Peterson’s bye came at a bad time for the New York Division leaders.

As for those dreaded byes, there isn’t one in Week 10, but there is a Thursday night game. Adjust accordingly.


Behold, bullet points!

  • Drew Brees has an outside chance to throw for 6,000 yards. He’ll need a couple of monster games, but the fact that it’s even a possibility is mind-boggling.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick hasn’t scored over 20 points since Week 3. Aaron Rodgers hasn’t scored less than 22 points all season.
  • The Lions signed Kevin Smith yesterday. The same Kevin Smith who hasn’t played since October of 2010. This doesn’t bode well for Jahvid Best’s future.
  • Reggie Bush has 32.2 points the last two games. He scored 38.9 points during the first six games.
  • Darren Sproles has recorded 109.3 points on 105 touches. To put that in perspective, Maurice Jones-Drew has 100.6 points on 178 touches. For all you math dropouts, it’s almost unheard of for a running back to average over a point per touch.
  • Jordy Nelson is ranked ninth among wide receivers. Ahead of Larry Fitzgerald, Brandon Marshall, Anquan Boldin, Hakeem Nicks, DeSean Jackson and Roddy White.
  • Wide receiver A has totaled 33.8 points in the last three games. Wide receiver B has totaled 9.6 points in the last three games. Wide receiver A is Antonio Brown. Wide receiver B is Miles Austin.
  • Jake Ballard has averaged 9.7 points since Week 4. Tony Gonzalez has averaged 7.6 points since Week 4.
  • Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski have combined to score 11 touchdowns.

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.

The Kate Upton Wonders of the Week

Syracuse ManahManah (105.5 points) – I’ve never been a big believer in reincarnation. The whole idea of coming back as a dung beetle, ring-tailed lemur, begonia plant or some baby named Steve always struck me as silly. Besides, I don’t want to suffer a crisis of conscience every time I bludgeon a fly with a rolled-up issue of Swank. I mean, what if that fly was Paul Newman in another life? I’d feel terrible for crushing Paul Newman’s reincarnated soul. The guy was an Oscar winner for Pete’s sake. All that said, if I were to be reincarnated as anything I’d want it to be a starfish living in the vicinity of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot with Kate Upton. Imagine the stories.

Starfish Ted: “Hey Phil, what you do today?”

Starfish Phil: “I spent the afternoon sucking on a swimsuit model’s DD tit. How about you?”

Starfish Ted: “Uh, I ate a tasty mollusc this morning, but that seems really lame by comparison.”

It took them nine weeks, but the ‘Cuse finally eclipsed 100 points. Thanks in large to Reggie Bush, Early Doucet, Damian Williams and Billy Cundiff. Not exactly a murderer’s row of fantasy stalwarts, but in 2011, you take what you can get. By virtue of the win, the Manah remain in a five-way tie for the fourth and final playoff spot, despite being the lowest scoring team in the league. As long as Bush, Turner and Witten keep producing, a run at the postseason isn’t nearly as remote as it seemed a month ago.

The Lindsay Lohan Disasters of the Week

Indiana Obesities (58.5 points) – I’ve been racking my useless knowledge infused brain for months trying to peg who or what Lindsay Lohan’s latest incarnation resembled. Over the weekend it hit me. It’s Sil the alien from the movie Species. Sunken eyes, dead hair, giant breasts, voracious desire to mate with anything that moves. That’s what I call a spittin’ image. By the way, Lindsay’s Playboy shoot “strategically covered up” her naughty bits. Boo! When is this firecrotched idiot going to ditch the self-respect and realize nobody wants to see her tastefully photographed? Then again, her punch-drunk vagina probably looks like an M-80 exploded inside a package of bologna.

Tough week for the Fatasses. Cam Newton’s by week fill-in Eli Manning was the only one to score in double-digits. The backfield of Bean Wells and Chris Og$&*ay*@! totaled a pathetic 7.4 points and Roddy White once again came up small. Might be time to give Ben Tate a shot. Without Andre Johnson, the Texans are running the ball down opponents’ gullets with extreme prejudice. Indiana is still sitting pretty in the race for the playoffs, so there’s no reason to panic. Yet.


Week 9 is dead and buried. Arrivederci.

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