The Superlative and Substandard of Week 10

I don't know how we're winning either.

Week 10 was a strange one for quarterbacks. A spate of nasty injuries and dreadful performances cost many a fantasy owner victories. Oh sure, Rodgers, Brees and Brady were their normal awesome selves, but Tyler Palko, Vince Young and Matt Leinart sightings won’t exactly instill confidence in anyone hoping to make the fake playoffs.

Then again, when John Skelton throws for 315 yards and three touchdowns, and Quarterback Jesus completes 2 of 8 passes but still outscores 18 other starters, it’s painfully clear we’ve reached the nexus of fantasy football weirdness in regards to signal-callers.

Cam Newton was finally held without a touchdown, Big Ben and Matt Stafford suffered broken fingers and Ryan Fitzpatrick posted his sixth consecutive sub 20-point outing. Matt Schaub and Matt Cassel are reportedly done for the year, Mike Vick got his ribs snapped and Matt Flynn scored just as many points in mop-up duty as two Colts quarterbacks and Jay Cutler did in four quarters.

Carson Palmer returned to relevance, Rex Grossman sucked (again) and Eli Manning reaffirmed his status as fantasy’s most unappreciated quarterback, especially in leagues like ours that don’t penalize for turnovers.

You don’t need an elite super-stud under center to win a phony title, but you do need someone reliable. The Lame Excuses are still the team to beat in Gulfman, but if they do stumble, Hahvad man’s sudden swoon will probably be the main culprit. (However, if they do capture the prize, look no further than their trio of Top 10 pass catchers as the reason, which of course supports my theory that receivers are the key to fantasy championships.)

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Behold, bullet points!

  • Quarterback A has scored 73,4 points in his last four games. Quarterback B has scored 81.1 points in his last four games. Quarterback A is Mike Vick. Quarterback B is Tim Tebow.
  • Mark Sanchez has three rushing touchdowns. Shonn Greene and LT have combined for three rushing touchdowns.
  • Arian Foster has 121.4 points in the last five weeks. Ray Rice has 76.
  • A week after praising Darren Sproles for being awesome, he promptly went out and netted 0.3 points. I blame myself.
  • It took ten weeks, but Calvin Johnson was finally held under double-digits. Much to my chagrin.
  • Jordy Nelson ranks seventh in wide receiver scoring. He hasn’t caught more than five passes since Week 1.
  • Victor Cruz, not Hakeem Nicks or Mario Manningham, is the Giants leading receiver. No wonder they let Steve Smith go.
  • Jimmy Graham and Rob Gronkowski have combined for 14 touchdowns and seven 100-yard games. Jermichael Finley and Jason Witten have combined for 9 touchdowns and two 100-yard games.

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.

The Genevieve Morton Wonders of the Week

Lordosis Rex (106.5 points) – There’s something really alluring about Genevieve, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It could be that she’s an excellent parallel-parker. Maybe it has something to do with her dislike of canned chicken. Or it might be that she enjoys singing made-up songs after a good night’s sleep. It’s possible I’m hypnotized by her perfect 34C natural breasts, but I’m too classy and sophisticated to be distracted by such superficial characteristics. No, I think it has more to do with her glowing personality and biting sense of humor.

I wrote the following about the then 1-3 Rex in my first-quarter grades post:

Things might appear bleak now, but don’t be shocked if this star-studded team reels off three or four wins and enters the playoff picture. You heard it here first.

Since then they have gone 4-2 and are tied for the fourth and final playoff spot. Not only did they humiliate the Hartstoppers in Week 10, but more importantly Chrissy Johnson woke the fuck up and played like a professional running back awarded a $53 million contract. With favorable matchups against Tampa, Buffalo, New Orleans and Indy upcoming, CJ has a golden opportunity to redeem himself. Look out bitches, ’cause the defending champs (really?) are making their move at the right time.

The Britney Spears Disasters of the Week

Greenville Harstoppers (47.8 points) – When did Britney Spears start looking like Packers linebacker Clay Matthews? Geesh, maybe the Titans should sign her to lead block for Chrissy Johnson. Considering she made it out of the 2000s without overdosing and survived a marriage to K-Fed, I’d say she’s held up okay. Better to be a tad chunky than an emaciated beanpole. That being said, I prefer to remember her as an unblemished 17-year-old with pigtails waiting for the school bell to ring.

The Stoppers went from the presidential suite at the Ritz-Carlton to a single at a Days Inn with a view of the dumpsters in the span of a week. Knocking off the mighty Lame Excuses must seem like a distant memory after shitting the mattress to the embarrassing tune of 47.8 points. Vinnie Jackson reentered witness protection and Jeremy Maclin suffered not one, but two injuries that forced him from Sunday’s action. And I’ve already covered Sproles’ sad sack of a game. A titanic tilt for control of the Carolina Division awaits when they face-off with the Obesities in Week 11. Lucky for them Frank Gore is dinged, so more carries for bye week replacement Kendall Hunter is likely.

————

Week 10 is gone baby gone. Hasta luego.

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