The Superlative and Substandard of Week 11

Yay, I didn't choke. I'm going to Disney World!

Fasten your seatbelts, folks. Things in the Gulfman League are about to get very interesting. A couple of weeks ago it looked like the Lame Excuses were a shoe in to at the very least reach the championship game. Three consecutive losses and an injury to Adrian Peterson later has them staring at the possibility of not even qualifying for the playoffs. Whoa.

Making matters worse for the Hackneyed Alibis, the surging Monkeys and Negotiators have closed the gap in the points race, which could prove vital if tiebreakers come into play. Wait, it gets better. The Lame ones might be without AP and AJ for their Week 12 throwdown with those surging Monkeys. Uh, oh.

We could be looking at a late season collapse that would do the Clemson Tigers proud. A fantasy fiasco of epic proportions. A bountiful bungling that would make even Norv Turner cringe. However, the Poor Explanations can take solace in the fact they aren’t the only Gulfman League franchise teetering on the brink.

The Hoosier State Heffers have also dropped three in a row and panic appears to be setting in. The decision to dump the disappointing Mike Williams in favor of David Nelson proved disastrous after Williams posted his best outing of the season and Nelson dropped a big fat goose egg. Equally curious was the choice to bench Cam Newton is favor of the littlest Manning. Camtastic scored 33.7, while Eli mustered a lousy 16.2. If they had kept Tampa Mike and started Newton, they would’ve beaten the Hartstoppers and been tied atop the Carolina Division. Instead they’re two games back with a handful of teams nipping at their cankles. Oops.

What seemed like a laugher of a fantasy season has suddenly turned competitive. Even the dregs (me) of the league are still clinging to miniscule playoff aspirations. So, open up those waiver wire checkbooks and overpay for Kevin Smith and Riley Cooper because they might be the difference between achieving fake glory and getting arrested for domestic violence.


Behold, bullet points!

  • Aaron Rodgers worst performance this season is 22.7 points. Matt Ryan’s best performance is 24.4 points.
  • Quarterback A has 74.2 points in the last four games. Quarterback B has 59.2 points. Quarterback A is Andy Dalton. Quarterback B is Ryan Fitzpatrick. (Go gingers!)
  • Kevin Smith totaled 38.1 points on Sunday. Ryan Mathews has totaled 41.7 points during the last seven weeks.
  • Running back A has scored 66.3 points in the last four games. Running back B has scored 49.6 points. Running back A is Marshawn Lynch. Running back B is Fred Jackson.
  • Jordy Nelson racked 24.3 points on Sunday. Greg Jennings has racked 20.4 points during the last three weeks.
  • Vinnie Jackson has netted over 16 points four times. In his other six games, he has netted 21.5 points combined. (DeSean Jackson approves.)
  • Brandon Marshall has scored five touchdowns during the last two seasons. Giants first-year receiver Victor Cruz has scored five touchdowns in nine games.
  • Rob Gronkowski has posted multiple touchdowns six times in 26 games. Jason Witten has posted multiple touchdowns two times in 137 games.
  • Tony Scheffler has scored five touchdowns, but has yet to eclipse 10 points in any game.

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.

The Destiny Newton Wonders of the Week

Greenville Hartstoppers (94.5 points) – Who is Destiny Newton? Allegedly, she’s Aaron Rodgers girlfriend. SRB insiders tell me Rodgers began dating banging this buxom beauty after winning the Super Bowl in February. Chicks dig Vince Lombardi trophies… and quarterbacks who earn millions. Rumor has it Destiny used to be Rodgers childhood sweety and the duo met at church camp nine years ago. Methinks there was a whole lot of sinnin’ goin’ on at this so-called church camp. When your name is Destiny and you look like that, singing “This Little Light of Mine” takes a back seat to smoking, drinking and @#%$^*&.

By virtue of their win, the Stoppers now own the best record in Gulfman League. They are also 7-0 in the Carolina Division. Barring a Buffalo Bills-esque faceplant, they should be participating in the postseason. However, all that glitters is not gold. Injuries to Fred Jackson and Jeremy Maclin are cause for concern and Vinnie Jackson’s maddening inconsistency could spell doom down the road. Ponying up some serious bucks for the aforementioned Kevin Smith is a move that must be considered.

The Olivia Symcox Disasters of the Week

Savage Animal (62.6 points) – Olivia isn’t being singled out for being ugly. On the contrary, she’s quite fetching for a conservationist. No, she’s in the barrel this week for raising human stupidity to impressive new heights. Ya see, Ms. Symcox volunteered to swim with a pack of hungry reef sharks off the coast of South Africa. Why, you ask? TO SEE IF SHARKS ARE PREDISPOSED TO SNACK ON EXPOSED HUMAN SKIN. Lest you think I’m fibbing, watch and learn:

This is the equivalent of an eligible bachelor being locked in a room full of girls with severe daddy issues. There will be blood.

As you are well aware, I’ve been playing fantasy football lo these many years. As such, it’s been quite some time since I’ve owned a team as shitty as Savage Animal circa 2011. To think I was 2-0 at one point. I have not a clue what form of meth I was inhaling on draft night. Darren McSofty in the second? Felix Fucking Jones in the third? Santonio “My Quarterback is a Waterhead” Holmes in the fourth? I should be drawn and quartered. The one guy I loved on my whole pathetic roster was DeMarco Murray. What do I do? Dump him hours before Felix suffered his annual 4-6 week ailment. Rats! I’ve been sucking for Luck ever since. Oh well. My other two phony teams are 9-2 and 8-3 (due in part to DeMarco Murray), so all is not lost.


Au revoir to Week 11. Before I vacate the premises, here’s a Thanksgiving inspired parting shot. If your fantasy team blows, things could be worse. You could be Neal Page from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

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