The Superlative and Substandard of Week 13

Afterwards they drank hot cocoa and played Jenga.

Early December blues swept across Week 13 of the 2011 NFL season like the Santa Ana winds tearing up a Bakersfield trailer park. The wounded Bears inched closer to early hibernation, the high-flying Patriots struggled to dispose of the calamitous Colts, the Falcons and Cowboys solidified their fraud status and Quarterback Jesus proved once again that unique skill and proper mechanics aren’t required when the great Lord above is on your side. Praise his name. And I mean Tebow’s.

More significant to our concerns, a key fantasy stalwart was struck down by injury, an injury that will no doubt impact which Gulfman League franchise captures fake glory three short weeks from now. Of course I’m speaking of Matt Forte, whose first quarter MCL sprain not only cost the Lame Excuses a victory, but quite possibly ended their dream of being anointed 2011 champions. Will the Fantasy Gods ever offer shelter from their abject cruelty? Alas, it seems not.

In other pressing league news, two of the four playoff spots have been secured by those injury plagued Excuses and the Carolina Division champion Hartstoppers. The rest of the playoff picture is a quagmire of six teams, all of whom have a shot to squeak in, depending on the Week 14 results. I will now attempt (feebly) to clear up this BP oil spill.

Obesities (8-5) – Beat the Steelcats and they are in. Easy enough. If they lose and the Negotiators and Rex both win, it comes down to total points, which doesn’t favor them. They can also lose and still get in. It’s complicated. Just win baby. Do it for Al Davis.

Negotiators (7-6) – Drop the Manah and hope Rex loses. Or drop the Manah and hope Indiana loses. Or lose to the Manah and hope everyone else follows suit and pray they win the points race. I’m confusing myself.

Rex (7-6) – They can win and still not get in if both Indiana and the Dealmakers notch Ws. Their best bet is to win and score a shit-ton of points. I think…

Monkeys (6-7) – They gotta be kicking themselves for not starting Shady McCoy. I won’t speculate as to why they sat the best fantasy running back in all the land. I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation. Nevertheless, they can still get in by beating me (no worries there) and having Rex and the Negotiators both lose. Then total points will be the ultimate decider. I need a shot… of battery acid.

Beasts and Talkers (both 6-7) – Win, score an assload of points and cross their fingers and toes everyone else falls. Let’s just say the chances are remote and be done with it. Man, I picked the wrong day to stop freebasing.

Everyone else is donezo. Sorry, so sorry.

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Behold, bullet points!

  • Cam Newton leads the NFL in rushing touchdowns with 13. Much to the chagrin of J-Stew and D-Wil, who have combined for six rushing scores.
  • Wave goodbye to Dan Marino’s single-season passing record. Drew Brees needs to average 265 yards in the final four games to break it. His lowest total thus far is 258 yards.
  • Maurice Jones-Drew’s 24.8 points on Monday night was his highest total of the season and first 20-plus game.
  • Chrissy Johnson scored 47 points in the last two games. He scored 47.1 points in the first six games.
  • Shonn Greene scored three touchdowns on Sunday. He had scored six career touchdowns entering the game.
  • Steve Smith netted 29.8 points in Week 1. He hasn’t scored more than 18.1 points since then.
  • Mike Wallace hasn’t topped 70 yards since Week 7. Victor Cruz hasn’t been below 70 yards since Week 6.
  • Pierre Garcon has three games of 24-plus points. In his other ten games, he has scored a total of 40.4 points.
  • Rob Gronkowski has five games of 20-plus points. Jimmy Graham and Tony Gonzalez have one each. Jason Witten and Vernon Davis have none.
  • Jermichael Finley hasn’t recorded a 100-yard game since Week 3 of the 2010 season.

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it..

The Poppy Montgomery Wonders of the Week

Savage Animal (91.1 points) – Look at poppy up there. Even she’s impressed by her awesome ass. As well she should be. Poppy hails from Australia, which reminds me of a story that may or may not have occurred while I was matriculating at college lo these many years ago. I may or may not have attended a party on the Cornell campus, and may or may not have witnessed a scene involving two extremely hot Australian exchange students, who may or may not  have been highly intoxicated, who may or may not have thoroughly explored each other’s nude, tanned bodies. This may or may not have later become known as the “Scissor incident.” Allegedly.

Due to my brilliant decision to start Tim Tebow and Roy Helu, I slew the mighty dragon known as the Lame Excuses. In a season of monumental blunders, it is without question my greatest achievement. It’s this kind of savvy coaching that separates the geniuses from the saps. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? The only reason I won was because AP was out and Forte went down in the first quarter. My team sucks. I suck. When is the 2012 draft?

The Christina Aguilera Disasters of the Week

Blind Monkeys (73.5 points) – The Oompa Loompa on the left and the gorgeous creature on the right are one in the same. The last few years have been unkind to one-time pop princess Christina Aguilera. A baby, a divorce and 3000 Krispy Kreme donuts does a body bad. She’s only 30, so there’s  plenty of time to go on a diet, hire a personal trainer, do an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight about her new and improved physique, embark on a world tour and appear in a tastefully photographed Playboy spread. Hollywood loves a good comeback.

Should the Groping Simians miss the playoffs, they will look back to this week as the root cause. I’ve already covered the whole Shady McCoy debacle, so no need to pummel that into the ground. Putting too many eggs in the Dallas Cowboys basket is becoming problematic. Rookie DeMarco Murray appears to be running out of gas and the Laurent Robinson/Dez Bryant start-or-sit debate is about to get more maddening with the return of Miles Austin. On a positive note, Hakeem Nicks looked terrific against the Packers.

———-

Cheerio to Week 13. The regular season is kaput. Where did the time go?

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