The Merry F@#$ing Christmas Championship Preview

The V is for, uh, victory?

Ho, Ho, Ho! ‘Tis the season to seize fake glory. After last week’s nailbiting, edge of the seat semifinals the 2011 Gulfman League title will be decided on of all observances, Christmas weekend. For one lucky owner, they’ll be receiving something a little extra in their stockings this year besides deodorant and Valtrex. I’m talking cash-money, payola, coin, dough, bread, greenbacks, cheddar, flow, loot, paper and last but not least, jack.

As correctly predicted by THIS GUY, the Lame Excuses concluded their late season swoon by falling to those pesky Negotiators, who managed to overcome yet another of their lineup blunders to advance to the championship game. Marion Barber over Michael Bush? I’ll take Bush over a guy with a girl name every time, if you catch my meaning.

My upset special failed to come though. The number one seed Hartstoppers vanquished the Lardasses by a measly two-tenths of a point. I’m fairly certain Indiana will be kicking demselves for not starting Ahmad Bradshaw, yo. But like I penned last week, the fact that they even qualified for the playoffs was a minor miracle. Or maybe it was awesome team management? Nah, I’m sticking to miracle.

Anywho, we’re down to two. Which Gulfman League franchise will take the strap and which one will crawl away with a shitty second-place check? I have the answers.

Behold, a championship prediction!

#1 Hartstoppers vs. #3 Negotiators

Wait a second, the team with the best record and the one that scored the most points reached the Big Game? That almost never happens. I blame the lockout. Why? Because there’s no way to quantify that it’s not the reason. It’s like Cube said, “Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.” I have no idea what that quote has to do with the topic at hand, but I felt compelled to include it for some reason.

I digress. The Stoppers backfield of Sproles and Spiller clocked 45.9 points last week. Can they do it again? Sure, why the fuck not? Buyer Beware, though: last time Sproles played the ATL he scored 0.3. Jeremy Maclin doesn’t have a great history versus Dallas, but he’s overdue for a monster effort. Oh, and guess what Jermichael Finley did the last time he faced the Bears? Scored three touchdowns. Methinks the schizophrenic Vinnie Jackson will have a nice day in a points o’ plenty showdown with the once cowardly Lions.

I’m going to assume the Dealmakers will do the smart thing and start Michael Bush — seeing he has OWNED the Chiefs during his career — and leave the mentally and physically challenged Marion Barber on the pine. Of course, predicting what they might do is an exercise in stupidity. Hey, they made it this far, so who am I to punch holes in their logic? The schedule is kind this week as Arian Foster draws the hapless Colts, who have surrendered 18 scores on the ground. Steve Smith and Julio Jones flopped in their first meetings with Tampa and New Orleans respectively, but I’m liking both to rebound. And footie extraordinaire David Akers racked 15 points the last time he played Seattle.

This has the makings of a doozy finale. And the beauty of it is we’ll have to wait until the Monday nighter is finished to crown a winner. Wunderbar!

As was the case a week ago, Aaron and Arian will be too much to handle.

Negotiators 102.6, Hartstoppers 97.4


Happy Christmas to all and to all a good weekend.

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