The End Is Nigh: Week 1 Fantasy Football Recap

week1-headerSky is falling. Doomsday is upon us. Global warming. Syria has nukes. APOCALYPSE NOW!!! Week 1 of the 2013 fantasy football season was, in a word, eye-opening. 63 wide receivers finished with more points than Calvin Johnson. Joique Bell had more points than C.J. Spiller, Marshawn Lynch, MJD, and Stevan Ridley COMBINED. Terrelle Pryor scored more than Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, Cam Newton, RG III, and Matt Stafford.

Uh, shut the hell up…

slapThat’s the bad news. The good news it’s only one stinkin’ week, people. There is no reason to panic. Well, that’s not entirely true, but I’ll get to that later. In the meantime, I will wade through the blood stained detritus and ease worried minds, drop some knowledge, dish out accolades, and warm hearts (plus other regions) with the required gratuitous semi-nudity.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 1 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. The face of losing

schianoskinsfaceeli-faceNothing pleases me more than Eli Face. Excuse me while I watch this for the next 20 minutes.


Wherefore art thou Norv?

11. It’s a running passing league, Part 1

Baltimore Ravens v Denver BroncosTwelve quarterbacks tossed for 300-plus yards in Week 1. Sam Bradford totaled 299, Brandon Weeden 289, Tom Brady 288, Andy Dalton 282. These 16 quarterbacks accounted for 40 passing touchdowns, and that doesn’t include Philip Rivers, who threw 4 on Monday night.

By the way, for all the read-option hullabaloo, remove Pryor’s 112 yards and only Mike Vick ran for more than 50 yards (54).

10. Defense wins nothing

Guess what? Four of the top five scoring defenses/special teams in Week 1 went undrafted: Dallas, Kansas City, Miami, and Buffalo. Meanwhile, the vaunted Seahawks netted a whopping 1 point. Will they and all the other supposed “elite” defenses have big days down the road? Of course, but the bottom line is D/ST scoring is completely random from year to year.

9. This…

fantasy-headerTo balance out the man ass above.

8. Grab some bench

wilsonFollow the bouncing ball. Tom Coughlin plays Andre Brown in pointless fourth preseason game. Andre Brown breaks leg and is short-term IRd. David Wilson is immediately elevated to role of the ball carrier. David Wilson fumbles twice on Sunday Night Football. Tom Coughlin benches Wilson. Coughlin calls Da’Rel Scott’s number. Scott fails to impress and contributes greatly to the Cowboys game-sealing pick-six late in the fourth quarter. Giants sign fatass malcontent Brandon Jacobs. Oh, this is going swimmingly.

Listen, Wilson won’t fade into the ether, but a couple more fumbles and he’s in Carlos Danger of morphing into a laughable afterthought.

Also, Coughlin’s “Get off my lawn you damn kids” little bro Bill Belichick sat Stevan Ridley after he dropped the ball. Fortunately for Ridley owners, Shane Vereen, who amassed 159 yards against the Bills, snapped a wrist bone and will miss the next two months. I mean, Belichick can’t roll with tub o’ lard LeGarrette Blount, can he?

7. It’s a running passing league, Part II

tight-endsSixteen tight ends scored in Week 1. Five found the end zone twice. Dipshit Jared Cook could’ve had three. That is all.

6. Chip Ahoy! of the week


WR Jason Peters.


After one week, LeSean McCoy leads the league in rushing with 184 yards. He was the only back selected in the first five rounds to eclipse the century mark. Let me repeat: THE ONLY BACK IN THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS. The Eagles ran 49 times for 263 yards. Andy Reid called 49 runs exactly ZERO times in 14 seasons. OH, CHIP!

Defenses will adjust, so Shady won’t pile up 180 every Sunday. However, several teams are going to play bingo in their underpants trying to stop Kelly’s relentless ground assault. Even if (when) Vick gets broken in two. More Chip goodness:

“I felt like it was slow, to be honest with you,” Kelly said when asked about the first quarter. “We put the ball on the ground too much, we didn’t get the ball to the officials, we could have sped things up. … That’s something we need to continue to work on.”

53 plays in first half. Most since 1998. Beautiful. Hate the Eagles all you want, but this guy is great for the NFL

/braces for inevitable implosion that will transpire by Week 4.

5. Fish fried

fishDid you draft Mike Wallace or Lamar Miller?

4. Sign of the week

brady-peesIt’s funny because it’s true.

3. Week 1 ballers, yo

New York Giants v Dallas Cowboys

These assholes are faking!

In the past I’ve handled weekly MVPs, well, badly. So, rather than single out guys who had the highest scoring point totals, I’m instead going to heap praise on those who played an integral part in a Gulfman League team securing victory. Peyton, AP, and Victor Cruz were all awesome, but they can suck it!

3. Jason Witten (Steelcats) – Put this dude in the Fantasy Hall of Fame, pronto. All he does is produce. If not for his 19 points on Sunday night, the ‘Cats wouldn’t have squeaked by the Beasts.

2. Demaryius Thomas (Massacres) – Thomas, who was selected ahead of Brandon Marshall and should’ve been selected before Julio Jones, has scored 9 touchdowns in his last 11 regular season starts.

1) Anquan Boldin (Petes) – This guy went in the 8th round. Hoo-boy, were we asleep at the wheel during the draft or what? Skinny could’ve started Steve Smith, but gave Boldin the nod. Rabbit is wise. (Trivia: what movie is that line from? Winner gets a ham sandwich.)

2. It’s a running passing league, Part III

As the proprietor of a site named Stud Running Back, it saddens me that running backs were phased out of so many offensive game plans this past weekend. Sure, there are some much improved front sevens out there like Miami and Carolina, but it appeared to me that a handful of playcallers were purposely shelving runs.

28 wide receivers scored at least 10 points in Week 1. This list includes the likes of Leonard Hankerson, Julian Edelman, Eddie Royal, Jerome Simpson, Jermaine Kearse, and Marlon Brown. Oh, and Josh Morgan, Jeremy Kerley, and Travis Benjamin (among others) outscored Megatron. C’mon!

SRB’s only hope is Chip Kelly. Kelly posits that football is a simple game often complicated by exotic schemes that look pretty but don’t actually put the defense at a disadvantage. Bah, he’s one of those crazy college coaches. What the fuck does he know?

Here’s Chip’s message to the rest of the league after Monday night’s three-ring bonanza.

1. It might be time to panic

There’s oodles and oodles of football left to play in 2013, but I’m a wee bit concerned about the following gents:

Danny Amendola – One game, one groin pull. Annnddd he’s listed at doubtful for Thursday night. I refer you to my post-draft recap.

Jacoby Jones – Already useless, now he has a sprained knee. I refer you to my post-draft recap.

Dez Bryant – Dez was amazing down the stretch in 2012 because he was 100% healthy. Now he has a sprained foot. Plus, the Giants completely shut him down with a safety over the top. Luckily for Dez, there are a bevy of stupid defensive coordinators matriculating the NFL who won’t mimic the G-Men’s strategy and subsequently be humiliated.

C.J. Spiller – Was ineffective and fumbled. Now there are grumblings about losing carries to Fred Jackson. Spiller can still post stats in a shared backfield (and might be better off doing so), but with a rookie QB under center, he will find the sledding difficult.

Doug Martin – This has nothing to do with Martin’s ability and everything to do with Josh Freeman. The Jets actually did something intelligent by stacking the box and daring Freeman to beat them deep. He did on a few occasions, but for the most part he was his awful inaccurate self. Martin and Alfred Morris set the league on fire as rookies in 2012, and defensive coordinators with half a brain noticed. Martin should be okay, but 1500 yards is a pipe dream until Freeman extracts his dome from his rectum.


Kwaheri, bitches. I leave you with this.


A Vikings fan in need of consoling.

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