The great equalizer in fantasy football wasted little time rearing its oh so ugly head in Week 2. Injuries. Not the catastrophic kind, like shredded ACLs and snapped tibias. No, the annoying kind, like pulled hamstrings, concussions, and all matter of strains, be it foot, hip, or knee.
Ugh. There’s nothing worse than relying on the utterly unreliable injury reports and false information propagated by team
crackpots doctors. Get ready for piles of GAME TIME DECISION horseshit to be shoveled down our gullets for the next few weeks. Hoo-fucking-ray! Alas, the fantasy gods have a message for all of us.
Ray Rice. Reggie Bush. Andre Johnson. Larry Fitzgerald. MJD. Steven Jackson. Eddie Lacy. Vernon Davis. The Roddy White saga. Danny Amendola’s mysterious groin (awesome name for a punk band BTW). Poor, poor Vick Ballard. Shonn Greene (just kidding). The impending Michael Vick 4-6 week rib/head ailment. For shit’s sake, UNCLE!!! Enough blubbering.
What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 2 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!
12. Textbook, baby
11. Red-skinned (from embarrassment)
The “go screw we’re not changing our name” football team from Washington known to all as the
Indian Givers Peace Pipes Bow Benders Maize-Munchers Redskins are fantasy nirvana. Their defense is terrifyingly awful, which in turn makes RG III and Pierre Garcon garbage time production maestros. Check out the upcoming schedule: DET, @Dal, CHI, @Den, SD. Start ’em if you got ’em! Couldn’t happen to a nicer douche than Mike Shanahan.
10. Fool’s gold
Oh, one-week wonders and scrap heap heroes, why do I fall madly in love with you when I know our unrequited affair will end in soul-crushing disappointment? Why do I always spend money I don’t have in a feeble attempt to win your heart? Why? Because I believe one day you’ll run into my open arms and we’ll live happily ever after in fantasy wonderland.
See Eddie Royal, Phil Rivers, James Starks, Bilal Powell, Jason Snelling, Austin Pettis, Kendall Wright, etc., etc. Bid at your own risk.
8. Aging white rapper sighting of the week
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo – I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
What fucking year is this?
7. Take cover
The Excuses benched Julio Jones. And lost by 3. Julio scored 24.2 points.
6. Patriot games
Remember when the Pats were the go-to roster for fantasy goodness? Ya know, the salad days of Brady, Gronk, Hernandez, Welker, Moss, Dillon, Branch, Law Firm, and the gritty, gutty Kevin Faulk. It was a magically delicious era that right about now seems like a distant memory.
Moss is offering stale insight as a FOX talking head, Welker is catching weekly touchdowns from giraffe neck, Gronk is recovering from an offseason of donating his body to Boston U Med students, and Hernandez is fashioning a toothbrush shiv to murder the Neo-Nazi who stole his brownie at dinner.
The Pats keep assuring us that everything will be super terrific once Gronk is fully healthy (2015?), Danny Amendola recovers from having adamantium affixed to his skeleton, Shane Vereen can jerk off again, and neophyte receivers Kenbrell Thompkins and Aaron Dobson stop drowning in the verbiage of wunderkind Josh McDaniels’ girthy playbook.
I’m not one to bet against Belichick and Golden Boy (except when they face Eli in a Super Bowl), but there’s a whole lotta speculating going on. Sorry, but Julian Edelman and Leon Washington aren’t scaring anyone (except the Eagles clown car secondary). I’m not buying any such poppycock. New England is a flawed 2-0 team that will be exposed in Weeks 4-6. Or not. Honestly, I don’t give a care since I was smart enough not to draft any of these migraines.
5. Stud’s stat sheet
- Terrelle Pryor, Ryan Tannehill, and E.J. Manuel have more points than Tom Brady and Cam Newton.
- Chip Kelly laughs at clock management, time of possession, and the NFL rulebook, but he has the number two QB, number one RB, and number one WR in fantasy, so what’s the problem here?
- DeAndre Hopkins ranks 16th among receivers. Andre Johnson ranks 23rd.
- Remove Cam Newton’s carries from the Panthers offense in 2011-12 and they would’ve ranked near the bottom in rushing attempts both seasons. Rob Chudzinski was the Panthers offensive coordinator in 2011-12. He’s now the head coach for the 0-2 Browns, who rank 29th in rushing attempts. I’m not sure if the return of Josh Gordon from suspension will help or hurt the situation, but Chudzinski is 1) a moron, and 2) a shitty playcaller.
- Da’Rel Scott has more points than Stevan Ridley and Frank Gore.
4. Mega Powers collide
Man, I love me an early season brouhaha between undefeated division rivals/highest scoring teams in the Gulfman League. Week 3 features a battle for supremacy in the Carolina Division between the Assassins and Petes. The former fields LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles going head-to-head on Thursday Night Football, aka the Fantasy Graveyard. The latter is without Steven Jackson, but Beast Mode faces the Sun Belt Conference Jaguars, and Peyton Manning draws the always abysmal Raiders. Me smells an ass-kicking. Petes by 20 shards of blue meth.
3. Week 2 ballers, yo
Marshawn Lynch (Petes) – Beast Mode was in full effect on Sunday night. The Niners want no part of this guy. Four straight 100-yard games. An NFL safety, who shall remain nameless, equated tackling Lynch to being run over by an SUV. Sounds about right.
Victor Cruz (Assassins) – Salsa man notched his second straight 100-yard game and the Assassins needed every single yard to pull out a victory against the pesky Furries.
1. It might be time to panic
Maurice Jones-Drew – Hurt again. Plays on the worst team in football. Looks dreadfully slow. Yeah, he’s finished.
Montee Ball – Fumbled. Can’t pass block. Has zero burst into the hole. Knowshon Moreno is clearly the better back. Punt Ball.
Dwayne Bowe – If he doesn’t get 100 yards and a touch versus Philly’s napalm secondary, bench him.
Antonio Brown – The Steelers offense is averaging 8.5 points per game. Nonexistent running game, chum bucket offensive line, and no deep speed outside. Yeah, all Steelers should be banished or dropped.
Do svidaniya, bitches! I leave you with this.