It happens two or three times every NFL season without fail. A mutant fly the size of Texas dive-bombs into the proverbial ointment and triggers a massive tidal wave that lays waste to the fantasy football balance. Up is down. Left is right. Day is night. Shitbag bozos overshadow matinée idols. Sigh.
Geno Smith outscores Colin Kaepernick by 20. Jake Locker outscores Eli Manning by 23. Johnathan Franklin bests Arian Foster by 13. Bilal Powell gains 158 yards — C.J. Spiller gains 10. Brandon LaFell and Stephen Hill combine for 34.1 points — Victor Cruz and Dwayne Bowe combine for 2.9 points.
Some of these interlopers will actually turn into quality fantasy starters, but most will quickly morph back into the underachieving jabronis their mothers always knew they would be. The good news is weeks like this are generally few and far between. In the long run, talent wins out and normalcy is restored.
You’re right, Mila. As always. We need to chill the fuck out. After all, Drew Brees, Cam Newton, DeMarco Murray, Josh Gordon, and Eric Decker scrubbed off the funk, slipped into their fancy new Sunday/Monday night duds, and cut up the dance floor like Tony Manero at 2001 Odyssey. So, all is not lost.
What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 3 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!
12. Stafford face
11. Raider abomination
That smilin’ motherfucker up there is Raider Rusher, the Oakland Raiders newest and creepiest mascot. He’s a character from a Nickelodeon cartoon and is part of the Raiders, ahem, kid-friendly image. I guess the old mascot was considered a little too intimidating for young eyes.
But jolly ol’ Rusher is a-okay? Who’s in charge of Raiders PR, NAMBLA? Did they confuse kid-friendly for kid-toucher? Bug eyes, black rubber gloves, tight pants, retard shoes. He looks like 90% of registered sex offenders. Perhaps Pete O. Phile would be a better name. Hey Raiders brass, why not hire an ice cream man or birthday party clown instead and brace yourself for the impending molestation lawsuit? Only in the Black Hole (insert obvious joke here).
10. Dawn of the dead
The zombie apocalypse is coming. I’m convinced. Why? Because rotting corpses like Big Ben, Santonio Holmes, DeAngelo Williams, and Zach Miller climbed from their cold, shallow graves and showed signs of fantasy life. This can’t be happening. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m moving into my doomsday bunker immediately.
So long, summer.
8. Shhhh…. I play for the laughing-stock of the NFL
Seattle could’ve racked 70 against Jacksonville Tech if they didn’t pull Wilson and Lynch. C’mon, Pete Carroll. Show some balls. You used to run up the score against Washington State with extreme prejudice. Besides, the NFL needs more humiliation.
7. No mas
Peyton Manning has 12 touchdowns in three games. The same number as Drew Brees and Matt Stafford combined. Seven more than Tom Brady. Nine more than Colin Kaepernick. After slicing and dicing the Eagles’ putrescent secondary on Sunday, he’ll probably have 16 or 17. At this point, he’s toying with the dreck that passes for professional defenses. If Kansas City or Houston doesn’t have an answer for him, the AFC belongs to Denver. I for one am shipping for a Denver-Seattle Super Bowl just to see how the Seahawks frighten and confuse him into soiling his tighty-whities like only Pey-Pey can.
6. Let’s revel in the Giants awfulness
38-0. 150 total yards. Seven sacks allowed. Two turnovers. Zero catches for Hakeem Nicks. Curtis Painter played. For shit’s sake, the Giants let Ted Ginn and Brandon LaFell score THREE times. At least Jacksonville and Oakland went down swinging. It’s not as if the 2013 Carolina Panthers are Lombardi’s Packers. Good grief, this team fucking sucks. Next up, the Chiefs in Kansas City. Good luck with that, G-Men (in tights).
5. Take cover
Make a lineup blunder that defies explanation and causes you (or me) to lose and I will mock you (or me) unmercifully. Don’t like it? Tough turkey.
The Beasts sat Eric Decker in favor of Greg Olsen. And lost by less than 2 points. Decker scored 19.3 on Monday night.
4. Week 4 Donnybrook: Talkers at Negotiators
First place in the New York Division is on the line when the fast-talking, high-scoring blabber mouths tussle with the slow-talking, low-scoring deal makers. Mike Vick and the deadly tight end duo of Graham and Cameron have been dishing out weekly punishment for the Talkers. Stuck in mud Arian Foster draws the Seahawks and fantasy MVP candidate Joique Bell faces the Bears. Drew Brees and Matt Prater are carrying The Negotiators, but rookie runners Le’Veon Bell and Eddie Lacy are due back after the bye. It’s like Joe’s Pizza versus Paulie Gee’s up in here. Talkers by 15 anchovies.
3. Week 3 ballers, yo
Santonio Holmes (Negotiators) – The last time Holmes did anything of note on a football field was Week 3 of 2012. Then he explodes for 21.4 points in Week 3 of 2013. Sell high on this bum before he goes MIA again.
DeAngelo Williams (Steelcats) – What is this, 2008? Williams looked spry for the third straight Sunday. He still hasn’t found the end zone, though.
Jordan Cameron (Talkers) – Brandon Weeden. Brian Hoyer. Kelly Holcomb. Brian Sipe. It doesn’t matter who’s slinging the rock, all Cameron does is catch touchdowns. Buddy Ryan would be proud.
2. Philip Rivers signs with A.C. Milan
1. It might be time to panic
C.J Spiller – Allow me to put Spiller’s dreadful start in perspective. He’s gained 194 total yards in three games. LeSean McCoy totaled 189 in Week 1. Yikes. And now he’s banged up. And Fred Jackson continues to steal touches. Major bust alert.
David Wilson – Wow, this guy looks horrendous. He’ll eventually break out, but can you afford to keep starting him until he does? If only Coughlin didn’t play Andre Brown in that meaningless final preseason game. Oh well.
Stevan Ridley – It gets worse by the week for Ridley. Now Brandon Boldin is getting carries. Trusting Belichick’s running back rotation is once again an exercise in futility.
Ryan Mathews – He stinks and the Chargers don’t like him.
Kenny Britt – Utterly worthless.
Daraa uulzii, bitches. I leave you with this.