The Ones Who Knock: Week 4 Fantasy Football Recap

say-my-nameThe small screen bid a fond (and bittersweet) farewell Sunday night to one of the most intense, original, and just plain fantastic TV series in the history of the medium. For those unaware, Breaking Bad ended its five-season run on AMC, and in doing so closed the book on the evolution of Walter White, nebbish Chemistry teacher turned methamphetamine Kingpin.

It’s rare, and bold, to craft an entire show around a sympathetic protagonist who gradually morphs into a detestable antagonist with each passing episode. Creator Vince Gilligan basically said “Fuck it” and launched caution to the stratosphere. He berthed a monster, raised it from infancy, and unleashed it upon anyone stupid enough to get in its way, be they good or evil. And audiences smart enough to watch ate it up by the fistful.

As tribute to a series that will be talked about for decades to come, I’m dedicating the Week 4 12-pack fantasy recap to Breaking Bad. For the initiated, this will make a certain amount of sense (hopefully). For those who have yet to imbibe its awesomeness, don’t fret. NO SPOILERS. Well, no major spoilers anyway.

So, raise a glass to Walt, Jesse, Skyler, Hank, Marie, Walter Jr., Saul, Gus Fring, Tuco, Badger, Skinny Pete, Gale, Gomie, Mike Ehrmantraut, Huell and Kuby, sweet Jane, Uncle Jack, Todd, and every other character who made Sunday nights at 9pm the place to be for the last five years.

Get on with it, bitch.

12. When televised football breaks (horribly) bad

big-benHey, let’s compare Big Ben the quarterback to Big Ben the 19th century clock tower. We’ll whip up a fancy graphic. It’ll be neato. Ya know, because England.

Ugh x 1000.

I’m certain the oh so clever producer who conceived this peanut-filled shit of an idea received a hefty promotion. Congratulations, you’re vapid. Or as they say across the pond, a poxy prat.

By the way, why again is the NFL shilling its wares in London? Until British sports hooligans are allowed to rush the field, stampeding dozens to death along their way, and beat players in the face with cricket bats while spraying them with Black and Tan, the “monarchy” won’t give a load of bollocks about American pigskin.

11. Jesse Pinkman freak out of the week

burnitallGoes to Houston Texans fans. Matt Schaub quacked another horrendous pick-six that led to a Seahawks comeback victory. Always classy Houston fan did what any self-respecting backer of a shitty expansion franchise would do under the circumstances. Burn Schaub’s jersey in the parking lot.

jerseyThat’s what I call Texas BBQ!

10. Gale Boetticher peculiarities

galeWin: Danny Woodhead has 10 touches for 86 yards and two touchdowns.

Place: Alex Smith outscores Ryan, Brady, Stafford, Romo, Kaepernick, Vick, and RGIII.

Show: Greg Jennings catches two TDs from Matt Cassel.

Honorable mention: DeMarco Murray remains unscathed.

9. Hello there


ritterKrysten Ritter = extremely underrated.

8. Walter Jr. drops truth bombs

Darren McSofty is back and more brittle than ever! After three marginally solid games, the man who would be injured pulled up gimp on Sunday with a bad hammy. It’s okay, his lightning fast recuperative powers should have him back on the field by November 2014.

And while I’m condemning wealthy athletes for being Mr. Glass fragile, Miles Austin and his toddler-sized hamstrings need to crawl back inside mommy’s womb and gestate for another couple of years.

7. Gus Fring hiding in plain sight award

All this time Reggie Bush was an elite fantasy stalwart, not a first-round bust who cheated his way through college? Who knew? Not me or anyone else who watched him stumble and fumble his way out of New Orleans, and shrugged when he looked slightly above average as a Dolphin for two years. 55.3 points in 2 ½ games as a Lion is a revelation. I’m sure he’ll sprain an ankle at some point and miss 3-4 weeks, so let’s enjoy the fruits of his labor before they plummet from the vine and rot.

6. Badger’s mind-bending stats

  • Trent Richardson’s yards per carry average in 19 career games: 3.5. Bilal Powell’s yards per carry average in 20 career games: 4.0.
  • Number of touchdowns scored by Victor Cruz: 4. Number of touchdowns scored by rest of Giants offense: 3.
  • Number of touchdowns scored by Jimmy Graham and Jordan Cameron: 11. Number of touchdowns scored by Calvin Johnson and A.J. Green: 7.
  • Peyton Manning touchdown passes: 16. Bills, Bucs, Cardinals, Vikings, and Jaguars touchdown passes: 17.
  • Denver and Kansas City combined D/ST points: 87. Seattle and San Francisco combined D/ST points: 52.

5. Huell’s MIA report

huellWhat the hell happened to Ray Rice? Is he still a Raven? Was he traded to Indy? The box score from last Sunday says he played and had 5 carries for 17 yards against a Bills defense that was allowing 130 rushing yards per game. Wait, that can’t be right. Five carries in a three-point game? Oh, he’s hurt. In that case, I’m assuming Bernard Pierce had a huge day. No? He got 4 carries. A Ravens run attack that has finished in the Top 15 every season since 2009 now ranks 28th. I thought Andy Reid went to the Chiefs.

4. Better Call Saul

saulMake a lineup blunder that defies explanation and causes you (or me) to lose and I will mock you (or me) unmercifully. Don’t like it? Tough turkey.

The Bourbon Balls swapped out a dinged Vinnie Jackson for Stevie Johnson. Vinnie scored 2.7 points. Stevie posted a big fat zero. The Balls lost by one-tenth of a point. Ouch.

The Petes were the beneficiary of the Balls’ misfortune, but it wouldn’t have come down to the narrowest of margins if Skinny didn’t sit Marshawn Lynch. Yeah, Beast Mode and his 20.3 points.

chuckIt made no difference in the outcome, but the Copperpots started Randall Cobb. Normally that would be a good thing. Only problem, Cobb was on a bye.

nelson4. Hank Schrader wake-up call

hankWelcome to the 2013 fantasy season, Frank Gore. After totaling 142 rushing yards in his first three games, Franky dismantled the pathetic Rams to the tune of 153 yards and a score.

3. Week 4 Heisenbergs, yo

wonLarry Fitzgerald (Excuses) – Fitzy has been underwhelming thus far, but his 12.8 points prevented the lame ones from dropping to 0-4.

Nate Washington (Monkeys) – The visually impaired simians shrewdly snagged the always unappreciated Nate-Dog off the waiver wire, then wisely started him over Roddy “I don’t need time off to heal from a high ankle sprain” White. Nate’s 22.5 points secured the W. That’s Gulfman approved.

Denver D/ST (Petes) – The Broncos special teams scored just as many touchdowns as the Eagles offense. Chip Kelly is vexed why his Fresno State game plan from 2012 didn’t work.

2. Apropos of nothing

cuttyCutty in a Ditka shirt.

1. Mike Ehrmantraut disapproves

mikeSpiller, Ridley and Wilson – Same ol’ story for this terrible trio. At least Wilson gets a shot against the historically awful Eagles defense in Week 5.

Russell Wilson – Geno Smith, Ryan Tannehill, and Alex Smith have more fantasy points. Uh, that’s bad.

All Jaguars – They play the Rams this week. Yay! Justin Blackmon is back from suspension. Yay! Blaine Gabbert is still their quarterback.

Chrissy Johnson – Face facts. This guy is a straight up bum. I cut him in another league for Le’Veon Bell.

T.Y. Hilton – Jeesh, what a disappointment. He is currently the 60th ranked wide receiver.

Hakeem Nicks – Contract year, schmontract year. At least he’s better than Hilton. 2.2 points better.


I leave you with this.


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