It happened almost exactly one year ago. A still feeling his way back from reconstructive knee surgery Adrian Peterson ran roughshod over the Arizona Cardinals to the tune of 153 yards. What transpired in the following weeks was one of the greatest displays of domination ever by an NFL running back.
Seven consecutive 100-yard games and eight of nine overall amassed 1445 yards. When the proverbial smoke cleared, Peterson was 9 yards shy of the single-season rushing record held by Eric Dickerson. A mere nine months removed from suffering a shredded ACL and MCL, the man known as “All Day” made countless naysayers (myself included) look like ass eating dipshits.
What occurred on that October Sunday in the Metrodome to catapult a pedestrian season into the stuff of legend? Why did it suddenly click? Is there a reasonable medical explanation? Did A-Rod slip Peterson some magic juice? Nobody really knows, not even Adrian. It’s just one of those sports things.
Every fantasy football season is chock-full of vexing conundrums and unsolved mysteries that drive even the most crafty of owners bonkers. Take 2013 for instance.
Who knew Peyton Manning would throw for 7 touchdowns on opening night to trigger a potentially record-setting offense? Who knew six sacks and a pick-six versus Jacksonville on the first Sunday would trigger a punishing Chiefs defense? Who knew the Lions offense would trigger a Reggie Bush revolution? Who knew the opening half of the Chip Kelly era would trigger career seasons for both LeSean McCoy and DeSean Jackson?
Listen, we all volunteer to board the insane train every September, fully aware that the next 16 weeks will be frustrating, maddening, laughable, and at times just downright stupid. But it’s also a whole lotta fun. Remember that the next time Jimmy Graham and those of his ilk drop a liquid deuce all over your fake roster.
What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 6 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!
12. Triage barrage
- Randall Cobb – Out 6-8 weeks with a busted fibula.
- Jimmy Graham – MRI on his foot. On a bye. Should be okay for Week 8.
- James Jones – PCL sprain. Is considered “mild.” However, ex-Colt Anthony Gonzalez missed half a season a few years back with a similar ailment.
- DeMarco Murray – Finally! Took you long enough Mr. Unreliable.
- Cecil Shorts – Doesn’t Cecil Shorts sound like the name of a character in a Coen Bros. movie? Anyway, he has a bad shoulder.
- David Wilson – Won’t need neck surgery. Still sucks.
- Danny Amendola – Concussed. That makes two injuries in six weeks. Impressive even for him.
- Matt Schaub – Got his ankle mangled. Was booed by Texans “fans.” Next stop, Jacksonville.
11. Tom Brady is better than you
Alright, Golden Boy is just trolling us all at this point. Dude fires his 178th (thereabouts) game-winning last-second touchdown and then dons a sweater that wheelchair-confined grandmothers in overflowing adult diapers wouldn’t be caught dead in sprawled across the nursing home floor. I’m a paisley ascot away from my hatred for Brady morphing into undying respect, and this saddens me greatly.
10. Rob Ryan Face wins the week
See what you did to poor Rob Ryan, Golden Boy? You shattered his dreams with your late game heroics. Now he’s a shadow of his overrated self. What do you mean a soft Cover 4 zone isn’t the way to stop Tom Brady? That’s crazy talk.
8. Fantasy vs. reality
Wanna know how little the quarterback position means in fantasy leagues that reward only three (didn’t it used to be four?) points for passing touchdowns and don’t penalize for picks? That guy up there is ranked 11th in scoring. Yeah, Sam Bradford. Doesn’t exactly conjure images of Montana or Unitas. That said, ol’ Sammy has tossed 13 touchdowns to only three interceptions and has accumulated more points than Tom Brady, Colin Kaepernick, and Big Ben (the quarterback, not the clock tower). Oh sure, having Peyton or Brees would be super terrific, but you can survive with guys like Thad Lewis, Mike Glennon, and Nick Foles if necessary (see Week 6 leaders for proof).
7. 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 (Wes Welker)
The Patriots just beat the previously unblemished Saints to move to 5-1. All is well in the land of chowder. Right? Maybe not. The offense ranks 22nd in scoring, which is subpar in the age of air superiority. The three gents pegged to “replace” Wes Welker — Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, and Austin Collie — have combined to catch 59 balls for 594 yards and two touchdowns. On the surface, not terrible. Especially if you ignore Amendola’s encyclopedia-sized medical history and the fact that Collie is one headshot away from forced retirement. Hey, what’s that Welker guy up to? Not much, just leading the league with eight touchdowns. Bah, who needs that kind of production? After all, Gronk is coming back, umm, is it this week? Next week? 2014? Anyone?
6. Stud’s stat sheet
- Jay Cutler has topped 260 yards four times in six starts. He topped 260 yards three times in all of 2012.
- Eli Manning and Carson Palmer have combined to throw 26 interceptions. Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor have combined to throw 15 interceptions.
- Knowshon Moreno has scored seven times in six games. He scored five times in 2011 and 2012.
- LeSean McCoy has 630 yards rushing in six starts. He had 840 yards rushing in 12 starts a season ago.
- Justin Blackmon and Keenan Allen have totaled 34 receptions for 548 yards and three scores in the last two weeks. Victor Cruz and Andre Johnson have totaled 19 receptions for 243 yards and zero scores in the last two weeks.
- Joseph Fauria and Lance Kendricks have eight touchdowns on 23 catches. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen have three touchdowns on 59 catches.
5. Take cover
Congratulations, Gulfman Legaue owners! No one made an egregious lineup error that cost them a would-be win. HOO-RAY! I could’ve been a prick and chastised the
WTalkers for sitting Michael Floyd, or the Balls for rolling with Cecil Shorts rather than Kenbrell Thompkins, but that would asinine. Keep up the quality decision-making. Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy this segment (as much as I should).
4. Unstoppable force meets immovable object
Fitting that the halfway point of the 2013 fantasy season features the much anticipated faceoff between the Gulfman League’s two highest-scoring teams: 6-0 Assassins at 4-2 Talkers. Oooooh this one should be a doozy!
Vick fill-in Nick Foles lit up the Bucs in Week 6 and has another tasty matchup against a depleted Dallas defense Sunday at the Linc. Dez Bryant will assuredly eviscerate the Eagles creampuff secondary, but Arian Foster draws a stout Chiefs D, and the venerable Jimmy Graham is on a bye.
The Assassins will once again ride the vaunted backfield duo of Jamaal Charles and Shady McCoy, who rank 1 and 2 in RB scoring. In addition, Victor Cruz looks to shake off two down weeks against the very forgiving Vikings. Will rookie sensation and recent free agent hire Keenan Allen get his first start? Stay tuned.
Tough one to call. Assassins can’t win ’em all (BOOO!!). Blabber Mouths by 8.
3. Week 6 ballers, yo
Stevan Ridley (Steelcats) – Welcome back to fantasy relevance, Mr. Ridley. Scored his first two touchdowns of the year and rolled up 96 yards in helping the ‘Cats win their second straight and move into a three-way tie for first in the New York Division.
Justin Blackmon (Copperpots) – 14 grabs for 190. Dude is a monster, even with the horribly ineffective Chad Henne under center.
2. Bucs fans never disappoint (unlike their team)
1. Rain fire on them
Matt Ryan – Life without Julio Jones and a healthy Roddy White isn’t going to be pleasant.
Rashard Mendenhall – When the fuck will Bruce Arians admit this clown is useless and hand the job to Andre Ellington?
Trent Richardson – 35-year-old Edgerrin James can hit a hole quicker than this stiff.
Marques Colston – 2.7 points in his last two games. Hasn’t scored a TD since Week 1. Has zero 100-yard games. Punt.
Dwayne Bowe – Alex Smith = wide receiver poison.
Auf weidersein, bitches. I leave you with this.