Doh! Week 8 Fantasy Football Recap

Damn Sealions

[via]

Poor, poor Dallas. They were oh so close to victory in Detroit on Sunday. It was there for the taking, like a ripe Golden Delicious apple waiting to be plucked from the tree of goodness. So much so that premature ejaculator/color analyst Brian Billick declared the Cowboys winners with a little over a minute remaining. Dipshit that he is, Billick neglected to factor in, A) the Cowboys’ penchant for late-game collapses, and 2) MEGATRON.

The first omission is somewhat excusable. I mean, Tony Romo wasn’t directly involved in the eventual outcome. In fact, Romo handed his defense a 30-24 lead with 1:02 left to play. There would be no fumbled snap or ill-advised chuck into double coverage. Nope. All Romo had to do was kick back on the sidelines and watch his defense bring home the W.

One small problem. Said Dallas defense had been ravaged all afternoon by the Matt Stafford-to-Calvin Johnson combo. Wait, ravaged doesn’t adequately describe it. Eviscerated sounds better. Nah, still not good enough. In keeping with the fish theme, I’m gonna go with gutted. Yeah, that’s a keeper.

So, it was a gutted defense versus an otherworldly wide receiver with 62 seconds remaining. What could possibly go wrong? There’s no way the ‘Boys’ brain trust would allow the guy with 12 catches for 290 yards to torch them. Not again. Well, at least not more than once. Cue the thunder. We all know how this tale of terror ends.

Six plays, 50 seconds. Lions 31, Cowboys 30. Ta-da! Hey, it could worse, Dallas. You could be one of the other NFC East turds.

Think your fantasy team is on the fast track to champagne wishes and caviar dreams? Think again. Down in the dumps because you believe your fake franchise is destined to miss the playoffs? Lift that chin up. The winds of change never stop blowing. Fortunes can be reversed for better or worse in one fell swoop. It is known.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 8 fantasy football 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Gather ’round for story time, kids

dezThe day started off swell for baby Dez. Look at me. I catch ball good. 

dez-madThen the worm turned when baby Dez took umbrage to being shown up by Calvin. Me not getting ball enough. Me go pout in da corner. WAH! WAH! 

dez-wittenJason Witten, a man, grew tired of baby Dez’s bellyaching. Hey fucktard! I’ll give you something to really cry about if you don’t stop acting like a punk pussy!

And the Cowboys lived unhappily ever after. The end. (Actually, Dez was shouting “positive” things on Sunday, but that makes story time a thousand times less interesting.)

11. It’s raining frogs

Frogs

Quarterback A has the following stats through 8 games: 55.7%, 1824 yards, 9 TDs, 6 INTs, 74.9 QB rating

Quarterback B has the following stats through 8 games: 65.6%, 2249 yards, 16 TDs, 7 INTs, 99.0 QB rating

Quarterback A is Tom Brady. Quarterback B is Andy Dalton.

10. Halloween costume suggestion

Got a kid? Dress the little tyke up as Andy Reid this Halloween and be treated to a sack full of BBQ ribs, a guide to clock management, and Parenting for Dummies. It’s a win-win!

9. This…

spongebobAbsorbent and yellow and porous is she…

8. Bend over

Week 8 in the NFL and Week 8 in Gulfman League had something in common: blowouts. Eight of 13 pro games were decided by double-digits, including 32- and 40-point wins by San Fran and Cincinnati, respectively. Our little dog and pony show league featured four obliterations, including the Steelcats pummeling of the previously unbeaten Assassins (I take pride in losing in grandiose style).

Bye weeks and injuries are rearing their ugly heads like nobody’s business. With Denver, Detroit, and the 49ers off in Week 9, we might be looking at more lopsided results. Wait, no Pey Pey? No gritty, gutty Wes Welker? No Eric “Don’t Call Me Ed McCaffery” Decker? No Bush? NO MEGATRON? We riot.

In other news, the Jaguars are also off.

7. London Part Deux

londonHello, American lords and ladies. London calling. We rather enjoyed hosting your football match this past Sunday. It provided a welcome respite from our normal routine of Mr. Bean marathons and self-satisfied mockery of the daft twits running your pathetic “democracy.” Even the Queen Mum took time out from waiting to die to watch the tattooed fellow of indiscernible ethnicity run for one those touchdowns. She was quite taken by his long strides and sculpted physique. He reminded her of a young chap she met during the War, whilst a member of the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service. The tall, lean, swarthy mechanic responsible for her sexual awakening,. Oh dear. Clearly I have revealed too much. That third glass of brandy was a mistake. Nevertheless, we look forward to your pigskin returning to the Monarchy in 2014. By the by, aren’t our hats posh?

london-2

6. WWE tackle of the week

cruz-slamI was torn here. As a long-suffering Eagles fan, I relished Bradley Fletcher and Nate Allen suplexing Salsa Man to the turf. On the other hand, as a Cruz owner, I can ill afford to lose his sterling weekly stat line of 6-8 points with no touchdowns.

5. Stud’s stat sheet

stats

  • LeSean McCoy has rushed for 5 touchdowns in his last 20 starts. Andrew Luck has rushed for 8 touchdowns in his last 20 starts.
  • Peyton Manning has 29 touchdowns. Two more than the Eagles, Ravens, and Steelers combined.
  • Marvin Jones has 7 touchdowns on 24 receptions. Antonio Brown has two touchdowns on 56 receptions.
  • Andre Ellington has 333 yards on 43 carries. Rashard Mendenhall has 281 yards on 92 carries.
  • Tony Gonzalez has 5 catches for 56 yards without Julio Jones and Roddy White in the lineup.
  • The Redskins rank 31st in NFL defense. The Redskins rank 4th in fantasy defense.

4. Sad but true

sad-but-true/weeps softly into tattered Donovan McNabb jersey.

3. Week 8 ballers, yo

mega
I’ll crush you with my bare hands!

Marvin Jones (Beasts) – Not only did the Furry ones have the wisdom to pluck Jones from the scrap heap, but they started him to boot. Four touchdowns and 36.2 points moves them to 5-3. That’s Gulfman approved.

Golden Tate (Armpits) – Golden is, well, golden on Monday night. He “robbed” the Packers in 2012, then pillaged the Rams in Week 8 of 2013 for 93 yards and a pair of scores.

Megatron (Steelcats) – The one, the only. Calvin’s 329 yards were 194 more than Seattle gained as a team on Monday night. Let that sink in. Oh, he was stopped inside the five three times, too.

2. GO TEAMS!

For the second time in three weeks, no lineup gaffes. Pandora’s Box gift cards for everyone!

1. It’s officially time to panic

Tom Brady – Peyton has nearly twice as many fantasy points as Golden Boy. Mike Vick, who has missed two full games and parts of two others has only 3.3 fewer points. Don’t fret, though. Brady’s life is still awesome. He’ll be just fine. (See below.)

Ray Rice – Can’t trade him because he won’t fetch fair value. Only recourse is to keep him on the pine until he bounces back. Bottom line: he looks like a casualty of the lengthy Super Bowl run.

Darren Sproles – Posted a goose egg in Week 8. Like teammate Marques Colston, he’s just not as involved in the Saints attack this season. Odd.

Hakeem Nicks – Slow, disinterested, bad hands. Some receiver-needy team will throw cash at this dud in the offseason and immediately regret it.

Mike Wallace – Speaking of $50 million regrets. Hasn’t scored in six weeks and drops at least one gimme every Sunday. Perhaps the season-ending injury to Brandon Gibson will help. Nah, Wallace just stinks.

Dwayne Bowe – Gets more useless by the week. The schedule is favorable down the stretch, but his quarterback is still Alex Smith.

————

Farvel, bitches. I leave you with this. Golden Boy and his lady dressed for Halloween. Adorable.

halloweencity
No shortage of courage here.
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