The Stretch Drive: Week 10 Fantasy Football Recap

Four weeks to go in the 2013 fantasy regular season. Let the jockying for playoff positions commence! Got an obvious hole on your fake roster? Now is the time to fill it. Looking to engineer a blockbuster trade before the deadline expires? Better get crackin’. Want to issue a fatwa on Mike Shanahan? Do it, please.

A spate of injuries coupled with those annoying bye weeks has made the last few weeks and the weeks ahead challenging. Aaron Rodgers’ cracked collarbone couldn’t have come at a worse time. Not to mention Jay Cutler’s groin/ankle ailments. Or Arian Foster’s back surgery. Or Chrissy Johnson’s reliabilityectomy. Or Eli Manning’s accuracy transplant. Or… you get the point.

Odds are it will be guys like Brian Leonard, Zac Stacy, and Riley Cooper leading rosters to postseason glory, while colossal busts like Trent Richardson, C.J. Spiller, and Ray Rice are anointed pariahs by their respective owners. Of all the first-round selections in the draft, only Lynch, McCoy, Morris, Forte, and Calvin have met or exceeded expectations. Adrian Peterson has been good, just not number one overall pick awesome.

It’s been a topsy-turvy ten weeks, where Jerricho Cotchery and Eddie Royal have more points than Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith. Where Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor have outscored Tom Brady and Eli. Where Danny Woodhead has more points than Ryan Mathews. Where the Chiefs defense has more points than Victor Cruz.

In summary: Get your house in order, ’cause shit’s about to get real, brothers and sister.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 10 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Miami nice


Only in Florida.

11. The return of Eli Face

eli-face3Just one interception for Eli? Bullshit! Wait, it was a pick-six? Okay, that’s more like it. Again, two Super Bowl rings.

10. Trolling in Atlanta

danceSeahawks fans. All they do is arrogantly flaunt their superior dance moves in the other team’s crib. Ginger with sunglasses is not impressed. Get that little bastard to a Chuck E. Cheese’s, pronto.

9. This…

uptonDancing I can endorse.

8. All hail the Jags and Bucs!


It was bound to happen. Maurice Jones-Drew averages 2.0 yards per carry. Jordan Todman finds the end zone. Chad Henne throws zero touchdowns and 2 picks. Jaguars defense records a safety plus a strip and score. Just how Gus Bradley drew it up.

jags-winAnnnnddd Titans fan is officially on suicide watch. Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids.

A fat guy TD! Totally rad, bro. Mike Glennon to Donald Penn is an unstoppable connection.

Yes you are, Joe. Could be worse. Richie Incognito could be shitting in your mouth.

7. Stud’s stat sheet


  • Russell Wilson has accounted for 10 touchdowns in his last four starts. Philip Rivers has accounted for 5 touchdowns in his last four starts.
  • Reggie Bush has 2 touchdowns in his last five starts. Mike Tolbert has 5 touchdowns in his last five starts.
  • Zac Stacy has 70.7 fantasy points in his last four starts. LeSean McCoy has 44.7 fantasy points in his last four starts.
  • Antonio Gates hasn’t scored more than 7.4 points since Week 4. Julius Thomas has scored at least 9.7 points in seven of nine games.
  • Victor Cruz hasn’t scored double-digit fantasy points since Week 4.  A.J. Green hasn’t scored fewer than 11.5 fantasy points since Week 5.
  • Wes Welker hasn’t totaled more than 84 yards in any game. Alshon Jeffery has four games over 100 yards.

6. Give it up for the wide receivers

Amazing. And yet the Bungals managed to screw it up in OT. Don’t go changin’ Cincinnati.

Don’t forget about Dre.

goldenThe “Fade” executed to perfection.

5. Take cover

Make a lineup blunder that defies explanation and causes you (or me) to lose and I will mock you (or me) unmercifully. Don’t like it? Tough turkey.

Once again, no egregious errors this week. Makes my job easier. The Pots should’ve left Aaron Dobson on the pine considering he was crushing Call of Duty: Ghosts during his bye, but even Marques Colston’s sudden reanimation wouldn’t have helped.

4. Who are those guys?

Mark Ingram ran for 145 yards? Same bag of hammers who had 50 yards on the season prior to Sunday night? Yup. Too bad he doesn’t play Dallas every week.

Who is this Bobby Rainey you speak of? I am not familiar with his work. He plays running back… for Tampa? I’ll take your word for it.

Quick, name the Miami Dolphins receiver who has scored twice and totaled over 100 yards in the same game this season? Brian Hartline? Nope. Brandon Gibson? Close, but no. Mike Wallace? Ha-ha, that’s funny. The answer is…

… RISHARD MATTHEWS! 11 receptions for 120 yards and 2 TDs. Too bad he doesn’t play the Bucs every week.

His name is Scott Tolzien. His name is Scott Tolzien. His name is Scott Tolzien. When does Aaron Rodgers come back?

3. Week 10 ballers, yo

More like Drew Ease, amirite?

Drew Brees (Negotiators) – Could’ve tossed for 500 yards if Sean Payton didn’t turn to the ground game. The Cowboys defense with a half-speed DeMarcus Ware and sans Sean Lee is downright heinous.

Ryan Mathews (Excuses) – He still kinda sucks, but Mathews’ second rushing touchdown of the year was crucial to the lame ones securing a win.

Marshawn Lynch (Petes) – My goodness, Beast Mode looked strong on Sunday. I would rather run head first into a retaining wall than attempt to tackle Marshawn Lynch.

2. An ode to Dwayne Bowe

Runs routes like a grizzly bear, has hands like a flea. 

Check out Dwayne Bowe, he smokes joints the size of a tree.

Incarcerate him now, try him later. 

‘Cause that fool Dwayne Bowe got a message for the hater. 

1. A helping hand

The astute Gulfman League owners clearly don’t need it, but I’m nothing if not generous.

Quarterbacks with easiest remaining schedule

Cutler/McCown, Keenum/Schaub, Foles/Vick

Running backs with easiest remaining schedule

Jackson/Spiller, Tate/D. Johnson, Andre Brown/Hillis, McCoy, Gore

Wide receivers with easiest remaining schedule

Marshall/Jeffery, Bryant/Williams, Nelson/Jones/Boykin, Bowe/Avery (don’t be fooled), Cruz/Nicks/Randle


Tạm Biệt, bitches. I leave you with this.


Lucky railing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s