Oh no. Ominous title. Must be another thinly veiled attempt to relate real life football to the fake variety we engage in for 16 weeks every autumn. Let me guess, more blathering about catastrophic injuries? Perhaps a vitriolic (i.e. pointless) rant about the fairness of bye weeks in regards to roster continuity? Or one more dogmatic treatise singing the virtues of PPR auction leagues?
Nope. None of the above. Actually, I just needed to seamlessly segue into a discussion about weather. Specifically, the end of the world as we know it doomsday that made an otherwise who gives a fuck matchup between the yawn-inducing Ravens and the MASH unit Bears, relevant and watchable. Rain. Wind. Hail. TORNADO!!
World renowned meteorologist and rumored cross-dresser John Cessarich once told me that tornadoes are dangerous. Nay, deadly. Don’t believe me? Behold this dark alchemy!
Witchcraft. Pure and simple. Take a gander at what that bitch Mother Nature did to Soldier Field on Sunday.
Not on the Sabbath!
Droplets of moisture that fall from the sky are the devil’s work!
But grass stains never come out!
CONCESSIONS CLOSED. HOW CAN FANS SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE WITHOUT LUKEWARM HOT DOGS AND WATERED DOWN BEER?
In short: Weather is hilarious (and dangerous, I guess).
What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 11 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!
12. Brees bobblehead
Available at Amazon and other fine retail outlets just in time for Christmas.
11. NBC be teasin’
Only five days away from the greatest quarterback showdown in the history of man/earth/time. Look how stoic Pey-Pey is. His half-grin, half-sneer visage conveys the quiet confidence of a fearless leader, while also masking the inherent blockhead hickness that dwells just below the surface.
And my god. Look at Golden Boy. So brash. So focused. So debonair. It’s as if Jesus himself pulled on a Patriots jersey, gelled his hair, married a Brazilian supermodel, and became the face of UGG® for Men. Tom Brady is a gladiator for the ages constructed of steely resolve and sinewy excellence.
The anticipation is palpable.
10. You’ve been McGloined
Prior to Sunday, Raiders third-string quarterback Matt McGloin’s claim to fame was being the starting quarterback in Happy Valley when the misunderstood Jerry Sandusky was busted for “roughhousing” with young boys in the Penn State locker room showers.
Now, McGloin is waged in a heated battle with Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton for the title of gingeriest of ginger signal-callers in the NFL. Look out Andy, ’cause Matty has the chops to fool everyone into thinking he’s a legit franchise quarterback despite a painfully average skill set. Don’t think he can throw three interceptions in back-to-back games? Matt McGloin will prove you wrong. Watch and see.
Helps winter go down smoother.
8. Dreads, anyone?
7. You make the call
They’re dancing. Isn’t that adorable. And in this case, illegal. No biggie, why should penalties be reviewable? That would just complicate a perfectly functioning replay system. /deletes bookie’s number from phone, moves to Papua New Guinea.
6. Rob Ford’s Week 12 picks
Little known fact: Infamous crack smoker/pussy hound/public urinator and sometimes Toronto mayor Rob Ford is an avid fantasy football enthusiast. Here are his picks for Week 12 studs.
Mike Vick – Anyone who uses the alias Ron Mexico to purchase herpes meds is my kind of bro. Plus, he’s done time, so he’s got major street cred. Wait, he’s hurt and on a bye? Fuck it, I’m starting him anyway. That’s how Rob Ford rolls.
LeGarrette Blount – Throws a punch like a 1940s era prize-fighter. As long as he’s ballin’, there’ll be a place for him on my team.
Brandon Jacobs – He’s a fat guy. I’m down with fat guys.
Dwayne Bowe – He and I agree that ounce for ounce, nothing beats BC Bud.
Steve Smith – Feisty, doesn’t take shit from nobody. I can relate. I once cold-cocked my campaign manager for dissing me in public. Rob Ford don’t play that way.
Justin Blackmon – Was there video of him smokin’ a dooby? I never saw one. I’m calling for his immediate reinstatement.
5. Did you know…
- That the Cowboys have allowed four quarterbacks to throw for 400-plus yards (and Brew Brees 392) this season?
- That the Falcons have allowed three running backs to rush for 140-plus yards in the last four weeks?
- That Tom Brady is on pace to throw the fewest number of touchdown passes in a non-injury year since he totaled 18 in 2001?
- That LeSean McCoy is averaging 128 yards from scrimmage per game?
- That Riley Cooper and Josh Gordon rank first and second in yards per catch for receivers with at least 30 receptions?
- The Panthers haven’t allowed more than 82 yards to a running back since Week 2?
- The top three scoring tight ends have combined for 28 touchdowns, while the top three wide receivers have combined for 27 touchdowns
4. Sexy time
Hypnotic, isn’t it?
3. Week 11 ballers, yo
Stevan Ridley (Steelcats) – Scored a touchdown against a solid rush defense, which was critical in securing a ‘Cats victory. Also lost a fumble, so Shane Vereen and Lardass Blount aren’t going anywhere.
Bengals D/ST (Beasts) – The Bengals defense bailed out shit stain Andy Dalton again. A pair of touchdowns, 3 picks, and 4 sacks is ridiculous, and Gulfman approved.
Antonio Brown (Assassins) – Based on AB’s production this season, it’s easy to see why management gave him the extension and kicked Mike Wallace to the gutter that is South Florida. Brown notched his second two-TD game on Sunday, much to the joy of the Assassins.
2. Man down
1. Playoff picture
Clinched: Assassins (9-2) – Locked down at least a Wildcard. Even if they lose the next three, they’re still in.
One win away: Steelcats (8-3), Beasts (8-3) – ‘Cats win this week, they seize the New York Division. Beasts win, they earn at least a Wildcard.
On the cusp: Armpits (6-5) – The Pits have been stinking hot of late, topping 100 points in consecutive weeks. However, they’ll likely be sweating it out until Week 14 due to a quagmire for the fourth and final spot.
Need help: Monkeys, Excuses, Negotiators, Talkers, and Massacres (all 5-6) – A five-way tie for second place in the NY Division is bonkers. I’m fresh out of mollies, so breaking down all the permutations is out of the question.
Clinging to life: Petes (4-7) – Need to win out and hope for a bunch of crazy shit to happen. Yeah, they’re donezo.
See ya in 2014: Balls (3-8), Copperpots (3-8) – So long defending champs. It’s a hard knock life sans Adrian Peterson.
Tchau, bitches. I leave you with this.