Show No Mercy: Week 13 Fantasy Football Recap

givenWe’ve reached the point in the fantasy football season where all stops must be pulled out. Free agent adds must be shrewd. Lineup decisions must be precise. Foots must be firmly planted on necks. It’s all fun and games for a dozen weeks, but now shit gets serious. The playoffs are upon us. Bragging rights for the next year are on the line.

More importantly, money is about to be won or lost. Or in our case at Gulfman League, baskets of kittens and sacks of smiles, since we don’t play for, ahem, cash. Because that would be a form of gambling and gambling is frowned upon and just plain wrong. Right, folks?

Okay. Degenerates FTW! Vegas, horse tracks, poker tables, bingo halls, and pachinko parlors approve. I think we can all agree that life would be a tad bit duller without the wagering of money and material goods.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 13 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Livin’ right


Here’s one of about a thousand reasons why the Seahawks are 11-1. They are lucky and good. On a personal note, this freakfest of a play cost me a W. Damn you Russell Wilson and your infinite poise!

11. Eli update

eli-huhThe Giants won, but Eli is still horrendous. Doofus tossed his 18th pick of the season. To put that in perspective, Nick Foles has 19 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Repeat, Nick Foles.

10. Wide receiver wizardry

If you participate in daily fantasy leagues and you started all three of the above gentleman, you are counting fat stacks on a beach in the South Pacific.

42 catches, 684 yards, 8 touchdowns. That’s the combined damage inflicted by this terrorizing trio on Sunday. Hooray for putrid defense and farcical rules that favor offensive players!

9. This…

walkAir conditioning must be broken.

8. Portrait of a groin shot

vernonGetting tackled by the balls cannot feel good. If anything should be flagged for Unnecessary Roughness, it’s this.

8. Bill Belichick: Motivator/prick

ridleyPatriots running back Stevan Ridley was a healthy scratch on Sunday due to a severe case of the fumbles. In a move that would make Bobby Knight proud, Bill Belichick made Ridley stand on the sideline for the entire game gripping a ball. What is this, high school? Oh how I wish the Pats would’ve lost. Listening to beat reporters pepper the “genius” with questions about Ridley’s absence would’ve been solid gold entertainment.

Reporter: Do you think not having Ridley affected the outcome?

Belichick: No. I’m never wrong.

Bill Belichick: The guy who’s lost two Super Bowls to Eli Manning.

7. Nice job, assholes

Thanks C.J. Spiller, Ben Tate, and Roddy White. Way to wait until Week 13 before doing jack squat. It’s not like owners of you pathetic losers were counting on you for the last three months. It’s always better to post your biggest numbers of the season when fake teams are out of playoff contention. A pox on the lot of you!

6. Hail to the King

peterson2peterson5. Take cover

no-u-didntNo egregious lineup blunders once again. The Armpits sat Alshon Jeffery against the 30th ranked Vikings secondary, which cost them points, but not a win. Ditto the Beasts regarding Eric Decker. The Assassins left Ben Tate on the pine, but there is no way in Hades he was going to start over Charles or McCoy. Fuck Ben Tate.

4. Catch it if you can

cooperRiley Cooper will fight every poorly thrown pass in the stadium.

3. Week 13 ballers, yo

russellDeMarco Murray (Monkeys) – Amazing what happens when the Cowboys actually give Murray the ball. Next up is Chicago’s 32nd ranked run defense. Ride him while he’s healthy.

Josh Gordon (Armpits) – Indy traded for the wrong Brown. Gordon’s back-to-back 200-yard games set an NFL record. If he has an average day, the Pits lose.

Russell Wilson (Beasts) – Does any quarterback shred defenses easier than this guy? Even Peyton and Brees are sloppy on occasion. Wilson never looks nervous and throws a pinpoint deep ball. Most importantly, he’s fun to watch.

2. ????????????????

And the Oscar goes to…

1. Two men enter…

The Assassins, Steelcats, and Beasts have all advanced to the playoffs. The fourth and final spot will be awarded to one of two teams: Monkeys (7-6) or Armpits (8-5). Sadly, they don’t  play each other in Week 14, but that only lessens the drama slightly. Here are the possible scenarios:

If the Pits beat the Copperpots, they are in, no matter what the Monkeys do.

If the Pits lose and the Monkeys drop the Talkers, it will come down to total points. As of now, the Pits own a 16.7 edge over the Monkeys.

If both lose, the Pits are in.

Whatever happens, we are staring at a fantastic finish to the 2013 fantasy football regular season. That’s Gulfman approved.


Zay gezunt, bitches. I leave you with this. 



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