The Super Terrific Gulfman League Championship Preview… Or Something

‘Tis the season to share.

And then there were two. Is it just me, or did this fantasy football season rocket by at an exceedingly fast clip? Seems like only yesterday that Lericos was declaring his backfield of David Wilson and Trent Richardson the one to beat.

Good times, good times. Anyway, lots o’ shit went down during the last four months of pigskin paranoia that helped us reach this point. In keeping with the Christmas theme, I present the 12 Days of the 2013 Fantasy Football Season, complete with extra mirth and merry.

On the first day of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

A Peyton Manning scoring spree 

On the second Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Two Megatron sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the third Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Three Brees’ TDs

Two Antonio Brown sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the fourth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

17.7 points from Matt Forte

Three Rivers’ TDs

Two Dez Bryant sixers

and a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the fifth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Five Romo TDs 

11.5 points from Matt Forte 

Three Arizona interceptions

Two Ray Rice sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the sixth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Six DeSean Jackson catches for two TDs

Five St. Louis sacks

11.1 points from Matt Forte

Three Nick Foles’ TDs

Two Vernon Davis sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the seventh Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Seven Seahawks sacks

Six A.J Green catches for 155 yards

Five points from Adrian Peterson (?)

28.9 points from Matt Forte

Three Matt Stafford TDs

Two Vinnie Jackson sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the eighth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

(Thirty) Eight points from Megatron

Seven Jordy Nelson catches for 123 yards

Six Patriots sacks 

Five yards per carry for Zac Stacy 

Four Marvin Jones’ TDs

Three Dan Bailey field goals

Two Frank Gore sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree 

On the ninth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Nine Andre Johnson catches for 229 yards

Eight Keenan Allen catches for 128 yards

Seven Nick Foles’ TDs

Six scores from Riley Cooper and T.Y. Hilton

Five Dolphins sacks 

23.9 points from Matt Forte

Three Russell Wilson TDs

Two Kansas City D/ST sixers

And a Tom Brady scoring spree (Peyton was on a bye)

On the tenth Sunday of the season 

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Ten points from Alex Henery

Nine wide receivers with 17 or more points

Eight catches from Gio Bernard

Seven St. Louis sacks and interceptions 

Six (hundred) yards of Saints offense

Five Andre Johnson catches, two of which were scores

Four Matt Forte points (boooo!!) 

Three Tavon Austin TDs

s

Two Andrew Luck two-point conversions

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the eleventh Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Eleven x 2 = 22 points for the Bengals D/ST

Ten catches for Delanie Walker

Nine for Nick Foles’ jersey number

Eight relevant white wide receivers and tight ends

Seven kickers booting 50-yard field goals

Six quarterbacks throwing for 300 yards

Five for Meagatron’s fifth 20-point game

18.5 Matt Forte points

Three Beast Mode TDs

Two Shady sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the twelfth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

12 kickers with double-digit points

Eleven for Tiquan Underwood and his two TDs

Ten Brandon Marshall catches for 117 yards

Nine points each from the Arizona, St. Louis, and Denver D/ST

Eight Cam Newton carries for 51 yards and a TD

Seven for 77 from Nate Burleson

Six Packers sacks

Five Anquan Boldin catches and two touchdowns

11.7 Matt Forte points

Three Philip Rivers’ TDs

Two Jamaal Charles’ sixers

And Peyton Manning’s worst game of the year

FIN.

————————-

Championship Preview: (1) Assassins vs. (2) Steelcats

CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! Don’t look now, but it’s the New York Division Champs versus the Carolina Division Champs for the 2013 Gulfman League strap. WROWWWW!! (Debbie and Tiffany approve.) The Assassins have racked over 300 points in the last two weeks, thanks in large to Shady’s 217 yards in Week 14 and Jamaal Charles’ five touchdowns in the semifinals. Who will they start under center? Campbell? Cousins? Another scrap heap hero? It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma.

The ‘Cats have been leaning on a plethora of current and ex-Patriots in Brady, Vereen, Ridley, Corey Dillon, and Vinatieri (not positive about Dillon). Megatron is slumping, but he’s overdue to blow up against a shitty Giants D in a must-win game for the Lions. Will gritty, gutty Wes Welker pass his concussion test? Can Mike Wallace put together competent back-to-back outings? Does DeAngelo Williams fade into the ether after his best game in years? Feel the drama, yo. It’s hot. Nay, WHITE HOT!

Matchups favor the Assassins in a big, big way. However, the Steelcats — like a dirty stray — are pesky as hell. To the prediction machine!

Assassins 108, Steelcats 92

Shady shines against the Bears putrid run D. Assassins avenge a Week 8 thrashing.

————

Merry Christmas, bitches. I leave you with this.

Heh, heh, I bet she’s naughty.
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