Parting is such sweet sorrow. A fantasy football season filled with fun and frivolity has sadly come to an end. The Gulfman League Championship belongs to, ME! Er, uh, I mean the Character Assassins. Yeah, those guys.
I’ll admit, the fake Super Bowl was far from a thing of beauty. Tom Brady and Kirk Cousins were the definition of UGH, Calvin Johnson gimped around Ford Field dodging Matt Stafford interceptions, Shane Vereen pulled a hammy, and the Seattle footie missed a 19-yard FG and a PAT. Basically, it was a great big ball of Christmas fuck you. With one awesome exception:
Call him Shady, call him Swerve, call him LeSean, or just call him the 2013 rushing champ. Chip Kelly + McCoy = endless highlight reel. Shady’s 28.2 points was overkill for the Assassins, but it was no less appreciated. Oh, and this fellow was pretty okay, too:
For all my preaching the last few years about needing to have three great receivers to win a title, it was a badass backfield consisting of the top two runners in the game that secured the strap. Antonio Brown (DROPPED, REALLY?) and Keenan Allen helped, as did the Chiefs defense/special teams, but two stud runners proved to be the difference.
With fewer and fewer legit dual-threat volume backs in the NFL these days, landing two gives you a significant advantage, especially when clods like Foster, Rice, Spiller, Martin, Richardson, Ridley, Wilson, and Miller get hurt or shit the bed. The good news is Eddie Lacy, Le’Veon Bell, Gio Bernard, Zac Stacy, Andre Ellington, and Montee Ball will deepen the 2014 talent pool. In theory, anyway.
The 2013 All-Stud Gulfman League Superstars of Fake Football
QB – Peyton Manning (Petes) – 5000 yards and 51 TDs so far. Blah, blah, and blah. He’s still no Tom Brady.
RB – Jamaal Charles (Assassins) – 19 touchdowns. His previous career high was 8. Remember that next August when you’re drafting him number one overall. Dwayne Bowe once scored 15. Just sayin’.
RB – Knowshon Moreno (Talkers/Balls) – Faded down the stretch, but considering he wasn’t a guarantee to make final roster cuts, pretty bitchin’ season, brah.
WR – Josh Gordon (Armpits) – Despite missing two games for being a naughty boy, Gordon is on the verge of eclipsing Megatron for the top spot among all pass catchers. Imagine how good he will be with someone besides Brandon Hoyer-Campbell at quarterback. Scary.
WR – Alshon Jeffery (Armpits) – Posted a pair of 200-pus yard games. He’s Dez Bryant without the incessant whining.
WR – Antonio Brown (Assassins) – Set career highs in catches, yards, and touchdowns. Scored double-digit fantasy points 8 times. Not bad for a guy who was DROPPED after Week 2.
Jimmy Graham (Talkers) – If he didn’t injure his foot, Jimmy could’ve had a historic season. Jimmy’s got moves!
Eddie Lacy (Negotiators) – Beast Mode 2.0.
DeSean Jackson (Massacres) – Chip Kelly knows offense.
2014 First-Round Mock Draft
If you held a gun to my head today (please don’t, I’m fragile), these are the 12 best gentlemen I would select heading into the new year.
1. LeSean McCoy – Chip Kelly has barely tapped all of Shady’s talents. Wait until he starts giving him the ball in the red zone.
2. Adrian Peterson – Dreadful quarterback situation still lingers. That said, AP has at least one more monster year left in his superhuman body.
3. Calvin Johnson – His knee issues are a growing concern, but Mega is good for 90 catches and 14-16 TDs even with Tardface under center.
4. Eddie Lacy – With Rodgers back, Lacy is poised to explode. 1400 yards and 12-15 TDs is within reach if he stays healthy. Unlike T-Rich, this ‘Bama back averages over 4.0 yards per carry.
5. Jamaal Charles – Andy Reid will have no choice but to upgrade the offensive weapons and spread the ball around. Disciplined defenses won’t allow Charles to get 20 TDs again. However, 1800-2000 total yards and 10-12 scores is likely.
6. Matt Forte – Underrated. Underrated. Underrated.
7. Peyton Manning – No way in hell I touch any quarterback in the first four rounds, let alone the first. Three points for passing touchdowns dictates you steer clear. However, some poor fool will take the bait.
8. Alfred Morris – Fire Shanahan. Hire an inventive playcaller. Teach RG III how to not be the next Mike Vick. Morris should benefit.
9. Josh Gordon – I have not a clue who will be under center for the Browns in 2014 (*cough, Vick, cough*), but Gordo is so damn dominant it hardly even matters.
10. Marshawn Lynch – Only 28, but the Ray Rice syndrome might be in play if the ‘Hawks reach the Bowl. His workload and running style make him a risky pick.
11. Zac Stacy – Where was this dude in September? I guess Jeff Fisher was saving him until after the inevitable Sam Bradford implosion.
12. Ryan Mathews – Begrudgingly, I’ll place Mathews at the end of the first round. I still believe he has steaming bag of shit potential, but not having Norv Turner around to rub off his loserish stench seems to have done the lad some good.
Goodbye, bitches. Thanks for making it a glorious year of fake football. Until next year, I leave you with this.