Dude, I had the perfect fantasy draft last night! Ever hear some shitbird utter those foreboding words? What the hell does a “perfect draft” even mean? I’ll tell you — absolutely nothing. Because the perfect fantasy draft doesn’t exist. It’s one of those overused terms fake football pundits love to toss around, kinda like “3rd year WR rule” and “value based drafting.”
The guy who picked Eddie Lacy and Andre Ellington on Tuesday was blasting self-satisfying farts in the faces of anyone in the vicinity on Wednesday morning. Well, that same guy is now scraping shit from his tighty whities after watching Lacy get concussed (again) and Ellington undergo a mysterious MRI on his foot.
The point is everything may seem hunky dory when the draft smoke clears, but once the games begin a supposed awesome roster can turn into a big ol’ rotting pumpkin in a matter of weeks. Same can be said for the bro who has buyer’s remorse for reaching on Rob Gronkowski and Percy Harvin, only to see them stay healthy and terrorize the league for the next three months.
So, when I dump trash or heap praise all over your team, understand that it really doesn’t amount to a mound of legumes. That said, it’s more fun than ditching the chick with the “pretty face” you met on Tinder after realizing she’s a fatty.
Without further ado, here’s my take on all 12 of the Gulfman League teams.
Team most likely to start 0-4 – Walkers Talkers
Landmines all over the place. Steven Jackson, Doug Martin, Trent Richardson = decrepit, overrated, useless. Not one, but two Lions running backs. Dwayne Bowe? Horrendous. Kenny Britt? Appalling. Hakeem Nicks? I honestly thought the Colts cut him. “Red Rifle” under center? That won’t end well. Seems only fitting that Megatron is on this team. Like the actual Lions, they will be a crushing disappointment.
Team I am most envious of – Chester Copperpots
The problem with drafting beside a fellow Eagles fan is they know that you know that Chip Kelly is the Professor X of offensive football. A beautiful mind three steps ahead of the curve. A calculating innovator capable of morphing mere mortals into record-setting spectacles. A fearless loner who thrives on bucking the system. Shady McCoy and Nick Foles? DAMN YOU COPPERPOTS!
Team that belongs in the ER – Lame Excuses
This backfield is thing of beauty: The aforementioned Andre Ellington leads a cast of injuries waiting to happen that includes Darren McFadden, DeMarco Murray, and Fred Jackson. Trade for Steven Jackson and this will be the shakiest stable of running backs in the history of fantasy football. Throw in 35-year-old recovering from a torn ACL Reggie Wayne and drunk kicker Matt Prater and what you got is a calamity waiting to happen.
Team I want to love, but don’t – Skinny Petes
Andrew Luck is on the cusp of fantasy greatness. Beast Mode is, well, beastly. Chip Kelly + Darren Sproles = Happy times. Jordy Nelson is a modern-day Steve Largent. Andre Johnson is the picture of consistency. Kyle Rudolph could be the next breakout tight end. That’s a whole lotta goodness. And yet somehow I am repulsed by the Petes. Beneath the seemingly beautiful exterior lies something grotesque and terrifying.
Team that got it most right – Kentucky Glue Factory
It pains me to laud Lericos. There’s vomit in my mouth as I type this. Alas, the Glue Factory resisted the temptation to reach for one of the several questionable running backs available in the first three rounds and instead ended up landing Jimmy Graham, Demaryius Thomas, and Alshon Jeffery. H-O-L-E-E-E SHIT. That’s beyond incredible in a league that starts three WR/TEs. It’s easy to point and laugh at Chrissy Johnson, Ryan Mathews, and Knowshon Moreno, but all three rushed for 1000 yards in 2013. If the ex-sports guy mixes and matches correctly, we’re all screwed.
Team I hate because I’m contractually obligated to – Weiner Dogs
The Dogs haven’t been privy (consider yourself lucky) to my incessant rambling over the years about selecting a quarterback in the first round of a league that rewards only 3 points for passing TDs. In short, it’s the equivalent of sticking a match in your mouth to light an M-80. It makes no difference what I think about the rest of his roster (Cooks and Hyde are money), because I have no choice but to loathe the decision to draft Pey-Pey number 6 overall.
Team that leads the league in “Ifs” – He-Rain
If Colin Kaepernick takes the next step… If Montee Ball is a stud… If Mark Ingram finally lives up to expectations… If LeGarrette Blount becomes a goal line goblin… If Rob Gronkowski, Julio Jones, and Jeremy Maclin stay healthy… If the Bears defense returns to form… That’s what I call the ultimate boom or bust crew. Back in the day, I used to own teams just like this one. Buckle up, Commish.
Team with the deadliest trio – Blind Monkeys
One of the long-running strategies in fantasy football is to land a Top 3 player at QB, RB, and WR. I’ve never been able to make it work because every time I pick a quarterback early my team is circling the drain by Week 6. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not a sound method for achieving fake glory. Drew Brees, Jamaal Charles, and Dez Bryant could all end up as the top scorer at their respective positions. If they do, or at least are close, the Monkeys will be hard to handle.
Team best suited to be my annual punching bag – The Negotiators
I gotta give it up for the boys. They don’t give a flying turd how much I eviscerate their draft night blunders. Nope. They just plow ahead, making one head-scratching belly laugh inducing move after another. Quarterback in the first. What of it? Arian Foster is gimpy and weird. Yeah, well fuck it! Frank Gore is ancient. And? Defense in the 10th round. Got a problem with that? Don’t ever stop being you, Negotiators.
Team that is lying in wait – Furry Beasts
At first glance the Beasts look kinda, meh. Not bad. Not great. A closer inspection reveals a geyser of potential. RG III was erratic in August, but once he and DeSean Jackson get on the same page, magic will be made. Bishop Sankey and Ben Tate might not inspire confidence now, but as the season progresses they could be consistent point producers. Emmanuel Sanders is sitting on a golden ticket in Denver. A.J. Green is A.J. Green. Beware…
Team dumb enough to rely on a white running back – Character Assassins
Full disclosure: I like the Jaguars this year. Don’t believe me, read my NFL preview post. I think they will be pests all season long, especially down the stretch. So, my selection of Toby Gerhart in Round 4 wasn’t out of desperation. I was targeting either him or Joique Bell as my number two back. Since Bell went a few picks earlier, I pulled the trigger on a white runner who plays behind a shitty line. Okay, it was a horrible mistake. I see that now.
Team with the greatest mascot in the history of Gulfman League – Cracker the Crab
Look at the little scamp up there, leering out from the corner of the cover like a pedophile on the prowl. I’m willing to bet the ocean is filled with unsuspecting crustaceans that are walking sideways after Cracker arrived at their doors with a bottle of his “special juice.” Poor bastards. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that the best children’s books are those written by people who don’t actually have children. Not creepy in the least. Not one bit.
Good luck to all in 2014. See ya after the Week 1 frivolity.