Week 1 Fantasy Football Review: The Panic Switch

panicIt happens like clockwork every fantasy football season. As soon as the Week 1 games conclude, 0-1 owners/doomsday preppers from across the land begin frantically combing the waiver wire while simultaneously shopping the early round pick who dropped a steaming dump all over the season’s first weekend. They listen to the Matthew Berrys and Michael Fabianos of the world and look for the nearest open window because Eddie Lacy suffered a concussion and Nick Foles had three turnovers. It’s ridiculous.

Jamaal Charles totaled 34 yards. Oh the humanity! Dez Bryant had 4 catches for 55 yards. The sun is dying! Adrian Peterson was outrushed by Cordarrelle Patterson. The Russians are coming! Demaryius Thomas caught 4 balls for 48 yards. Armageddon! Golden Boy Brady was mediocre. Look, it’s the Four Horsemen!

Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. The overreaction is astounding. Am I concerned about Charles? Yeah, a little bit. The KC offensive line is a disaster, Alex Smith stinks, and the defense that dominated in 2013 is losing bodies by the day. Do I believe he’s going to be a monumental bust this year? No. He won’t come close to 19 touchdowns again, but he’ll be fine in the long run.

As for the rest of the tepid or downright ugly Week 1 performances? Hey, that’s football. Run out and overpay for Alan Hurns if it makes you feel better. Bench Tony Romo if you think it will help. Pluck Johnny Manziel off the scrap heap and wait for his impending ascension if that’s your master plan. 0-1 blows. 0-2 is annoying. 0-3 is, well, a big problem. But we’ll deal with that down the road. In the meantime, let’s recap the Week 1 festivities.

The Return of Eli Face

eli-14You know it’s the start of another NFL season when goofy is tossing horrific interceptions. Never change, Eli.

Mr. Miyagi Would Approve

Antonio-Brown-kickIt’s a good day when a footie takes a crane kick to the grill. Antonio Brown should be commended, not penalized.

Year of the Rookie Wide Receiver?

cooksDraft experts have been telling us for months the 2014 wide receiver class is tremendous. if Week 1 is any indication, those blowhards might prove to be correct. Brandin Cooks, Kelvin Benjamin, Alan Hurns, Marqise Lee, and John Brown combined to catch 25 balls for 370 yards and five touchdowns. Not too shabby. Wait until Mike Evans, Sammy Watkins, and Jordan Matthews join the party, because they will sooner than later.

Week 1 Golden Nutsack Award – Walkers Talkers

nutsack2The first of many nutsacks goes to the Talkers, mainly because I foolishly predicted they would start 0-4 due to their dumpster fire backfield. Well, they’re 1-0 and sitting atop the Carolina Division thanks to Megatron slashing and burning his way through what the Giants call defense. Congratulations, these balls are for you!

Give it up for the Unreliable

ridley2Of course Ben Tate is out 2-4 weeks. Of course Steven Ridley and Trent Richardson averaged less than 3.5 yards per carry. Of course RG III looked terrible. Of course Tavon Austin made zero impact. Of course the Browns have no passing game. Of course the Raiders are fantasy Ebola. We should’ve known…

Prerequisite Eye Candy


For fans of the ladies.

cake-1For fans of the beefcake.

Week 2 Fearless Forecasting


Now is the time when I don my Carnac garb and boldly predict which under the radar player will shine in Week 2. The envelope, please:

Nate Washington: 90 yards, 1 TD

Cowboys defense, yo.


Stud Running Back will return…

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