Week 5 Fantasy Recap: Stranger in a Strange Land

Is it just me or has this fantasy football season been a little weird? Correction, a lot weird. I can’t put my finger on the catalyst for the peculiar aura surrounding 2014, but something is definitely askew. Maybe it’s all the off the field drama that has turned things upside down. Perhaps it’s the abnormally high rate of injuries to relevant players. Or it could be the overwhelming feeling that none of the 32 teams appear to be all that good. It just feels off.

Seattle is still at the top of the heap, but flaming out in San Diego and repeatedly stalling versus the horrendous Redskins is puzzling. Denver can’t run the ball. The Patriots are anorexic on talent. The Eagles are a vexing mishmash of buffoonery that are somehow 4-1. Dallas is an implosion waiting to happen. The 49ers hate their head coach. Arizona is down to a rookie third-string quarterback. And the Bengals are, well, the Bengals.

When did LeSean McCoy get infected with Brandon Jacobs’ DNA? How many broken down running backs can San Diego employ? Why does Gus Bradley still have a job? Are the Saints no longer fantasy gold? Why don’t the Jets just forfeit the remainder of the season? Can the Raiders be on bye every week? Will Calvin Johnson’s ankle be amputated, and will that negatively impact his production?

I mean, Eli Manning is completing 66% of his passes and only five of them have been caught by the other team. DeMarco Murray has logged 130 carries without suffering an injury. Frank Gore hasn’t shattered. The Lions have the number one ranked defense. Kyle Orton is leading the Bills to wins.

Where the #$%& am I and how did I get here?! Did I travel through the same wormhole as Matthew McConaughey did in Interstellar? Have I transcended time and space? Are armed apes on horseback going to show up and throw me into a cage?

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Let’s get to the recap before a smoke monster disembowels me.

Oh, Percy

Harvin-2Harvin-3Just when Seattle figures out how to use Percy Harvin properly, the poor bastard has three touchdowns called back. Against the Scalpers. Ouch. Sadly, this is the best we’ll see of the overpaid “offensive weapon” because he’s due for his annual 4-6 week leg/neck/head injury.

All hail King Douche

schwartz-doucheHey, Jim Schwartz. You’re a mediocre defensive coordinator on a mediocre team, not Buddy Ryan after Super Bowl XX. You went 29-52 as Detroit’s head coach. The only time this egomaniacal turd should be carried is right before he’s dumped into a vat of boiling oil.

The portrait of unreliability

foster-dallasArian Foster led all rostered running backs with 29.2 points in Week 5. Unfortunately for The Negotiators, he was sitting on their bench. Why? Because he’s totally unreliable. I wouldn’t have played him either. Not a week after he rushed 8 times for 6 yards. Fantasy football is all about consistency and trust. Sure, Foster is great when he’s healthy and facing shitty defenses. Problem is it’s impossible to discern when he doesn’t have a bad hammy or gimpy ankle. If I owned his sorry ass, I would trade him to anyone gullible enough to believe he’ll make it through the rest of the season unscathed.

Stop chasing points, people

donnellHow did Larry Donnell do in Week 5? What about Eddie Royal? Or Jerick McKinnon? The trio combined to net a whopping 8.6 points a week after setting the fake football world ablaze with their amazing touchdown prowess. I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. Chasing points is an exercise in futility.

The great quarterback experiment

QB-experimentIn another league, I’ve undertaken an experiment to prove my longstanding theory that quarterbacks are completely overrated in fantasy. I’ve been a member of this 12-team league for about eight years, so it’s established, not one of those ridiculous ESPN or Yahoo public leagues. Anyway, rather than draft a couple of quarterbacks per normal, I chose not to draft one at all.

Instead, I am streaming QBs weekly from whomever is available on the waiver wire. Since we can only roster a max of two signal-callers, there are always a handful of guys floating around on the wire. Thus far, my team is looking good with a 4-1 record. Here’s how the quarterbacks I’ve used have fared through five weeks:

  • Week 1 – Jake Locker – 24 points (Win)
  • Week 2 – Geno Smith – 19.5 points (Loss – Thanks, AJ Green)
  • Week 3 – Kirk Cousins – 33.6 points (Win)
  • Week 4 – Mike Glennon – 22.1 points (Win)
  • Week 5 – Austin Davis – 32 points (Win)

I can use the same guy more than once, but not two weeks in a row. This Sunday I’m rolling with Brian Hoyer against Pittsburgh. Further updates to come.

Tom Brady: still awesome

Take that naysayers! Nobody puts Golden Boy in the corner. Look at the magical game of hot potato, followed by the spike to end all spikes. He is a god among gods. A primordial warrior constructed of steely resolve and resolute aplomb. Crisis averted (until the Pats lose by 10 at Buffalo).

 The best 2014 Jacksonville Jaguar is…

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The mascot. Makes total sense.

Week 5 Golden Nutsack Award – Furry Beasts

nutsack2Eddie Lacy steamrolled the pitiful Vikings and DeSean Jackson shredded the vaunted Seahawks secondary. Hell, even Jake Locker was serviceable before exiting with his 23rd injury of the season. These beasts got balls. Golden balls.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

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For fans of the ladies (and leather footballs).

For fans of the beefcake (and flags).

Week 6 Fearless Forecasting

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I suck at this. But I’m undeterred. He won’t put up Steve Smith vs. Carolina numbers, but this wide receiver will exact a measure of vengeance against his former team. The envelope, please:

Andre Roberts – 68 yards, 1 TD

Kirk Cousins + Logan Thomas = Great theater.

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Stud Running Back will return…

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