Week 13 Fantasy Recap: Scoregasm

I pointed out a few weeks back that the scoring landscape has been a bit barren in 2014. With few exceptions, there haven’t been a lot of super studs rampaging up and down fields on a weekly basis. With scoring spread out over a shit-ton of players, finding guys to count on consistently has been a challenge. An assload of points finally lit up scoreboards in Week 13. Unfortunately, a lot of those numbers were wasted.

Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped up the Titans to the tune of 36.9 points. In Gulfman League, he was unowned. DeAndre Hopkins was the beneficiary of Fitzpatrick’s career day, scoring 35.8 points. In Gulfman League, he was on The Negotiators’ bench. Coby Fleener and Donte Moncrief combined for 361 yards and four touchdowns. In Gulfman League, both were unowned.

I’m not trashing us for not having these guys on our rosters or in our lineups. Really, I’m not. I mean, the Dogs were shrewd enough to play Tre Mason, and the Talkers wisely plugged in Joique Bell once Reggie Bush was deactivated on Turkey Day. We might be idiots, but we’re not morons.

What’s to be done when Colt McCoy outproduces Rodgers, Peyton, and Brady? What’s to be done when Roy Helu gets a touchdown and Alfred Morris doesn’t? What’s to be done when Dan Herron finishes with better stats than Jamaal Charles and Marshawn Lynch? What’s to be done when Davante Adams upstages both Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb?

Nothing. Not a damn thing. That’s what makes fantasy football equal parts fantastic and frustrating.

On to the Week 13 recap.

RIP, Johnny

manzielJust when everyone was ready to merrily skip aboard the Johnny Football bandwagon, Browns’ coach Mike Pettine mowed them down with a gatling gun by naming Brian Hoyer starter for Week 14. Mike Pettine obviously never watched Manziel in college. HE WAS AWESOME!!!

The world needs more Richard Shermans

Praise Richard Sherman. Fuck the NFL league office.

This is embarrassing, even for the Raiders

Matt Schaub, Aaron Donald52-0. Six sacks. Three interceptions, including a pick-six. Two lost fumbles. 244 yards of offense. At least they won TOP 36:56 to 23:04. Atrocious doesn’t begin to describe the Raiders franchise.

WTF, Jimmy Graham

graham-WTFZero catches. Zero targets. And please don’t tell me the Steelers did a pristine job covering him, because they didn’t. At least Ben Watson and Erik Long scored. Ugh.

Bad Golden Boy, Good Golden Boy

Settle down there, Tom. Intense yelling has been scientifically proven to cause crows feet. I’m sure Gisele has needles of botox lying around the house like throw pillows, but no need to tempt the skin gods.

Now, this is more like it:

Be still my heart.

brady-lookI would live in that hair if it was socially acceptable.

Never doubt a Harvard man

Houston Texans vs. Tennessee TitansAfter Ryan Mallett tore his pec and was lost for the season, the Texans turned back to bearded wonder Ryan Fitzpatrick. 358 yards and 6 touchdowns later and Fitzpatrick is the toast of Texas. That is until he throws two picks and loses a fumble versus Jacksonville on Sunday.

Playoff Scenarios

playoffsOne week to go in the fantasy regular season and there are still a bunch of Gulfman League teams alive for the playoffs. Week 14 will be huge. Nice.

In – Character Assassins

Unofficially in – Blind Monkeys (even if they lose to the Petes, total points all but guarantees they advance)

Oh so close – Petes, Glue Factory, Dogs, Negotiators

Need a W and loads of help – Lame Excuses (four teams have to lose and they have to score something like 200 points)

2015 will be their year – Beasts, Pots, He-Rain, Crab, Talkers

If the Petes take down the Monkeys, they are pretty much in based on points. However, a loss and they could be doneski.

A Skinny W also leaves the Factory, Dogs, and Negotiators dueling for the final invite.

There are too many permutations to ponder. To make it simple, four teams are fighting for two spots. Good luck to all involved.

Week 13 Golden Nutsack Award: Chester Copperpots

nutsack2Welcome to 2014 Shady McCoy and Keenan Allen. It only took you three quarters of the season to start producing. I’m sure the Pots are ecstatic that you decided to deliver your best efforts of the season long after they were completely eliminated from playoff contention. Better late than never is bullshit in fantasy.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

candy-14For fans of the ladies.

For fans of the beefcake.

Week 14 Fearless Forecasting


I predicted Eddie Royal would net 84 yards and a score. He got 81 and a score. I’m a realist — there’s no way I’ll do better than that. Alas, I’ll give it a go. The envelope, please:

Robert Woods: 102 yards, 1 TD

Allow me to spring on a limb: the Bills will have to score a lot of points to keep up with Denver. Sammy Watkins is beat up, so that leaves Woods to lap up some of that glorious GTP.


Stud Running Back will return…

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