Gulfman League Championship Preview

championshipThe 2014 Gulfman League fantasy football season is nearly complete. One matchup remains to decide who will strap on the long, gerthy title belt and spend the next nine months pumping and thrusting in frenzied celebration. That’s right bros and broette, it’s time to get it on one last time.

In one corner we have the Skinny Petes, fresh off their stunning upset of the top-seeded Character Assassins. Now that Heisenberg and his evil blue meth are off the streets, The Petes are clean and sober and ready to seize fake football’s grandest prize. To do so, they’ll need Andrew Luck and Jordy Nelson to rebound after subpar efforts in the semifinals. Andre Johnson will be back from injury, but the venerable Case Keenum will be the one attempting to complete passes to him. Keenum wasn’t good enough to crack the Rams quarterback rotation, sooooooo good luck with that.

In the other corner we have the Weiner Dogs, the used to be old kids on the block turned new kids on the block after a decade long absence. The Dogs own the two hottest properties in fantasy: Le’Veon Bell and Odell Beckham Jr. This studly duo combined for 56.2 points a week ago, which proved crucial to staving off a furious Monday night rally by the No. 2 seed Blind Monkeys.

It’s #3 versus #4. It’s elongated K9 versus reformed drug dealer/addict. It’s ex-Colts legendary quarterback versus current Colts legendary quarterback. It’s ex-Patriots legendary kicker versus current Patriots legendary kicker. It’s Beast Mode versus ODB. It’s No. 16 on the all-time receptions list versus No. 19 on the all-time receptions list. It’s the Guardians of Peace versus Sony.

It’s quite possible this one comes down to Monday night, with Peyton Manning and his balky thigh leading the Broncos into Cincinnati for a huge AFC showdown. Pey-Pey hasn’t scored over 15 points since Week 12, and the Bengals have a solid pass defense. I don’t like Lynch against the Cardinals run defense, especially nursing a bad back. I do like Jordy Nelson to blow up on the road in Tampa. Difference-maker here will be Tre Mason smashing the pathetic Giants rush D.

And the winner is…

Dogs 102, Petes 89


On a side note, I’d like to reveal in GIF form how I felt last Sunday after benching Jeremy Hill:

garfield_faceplantEpic DERP.

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