A brand new shiny football season is upon us. Praise the fossilized bones of 5000-year-old dinosaurs! Gone are those long summer days spent lounging on the porch, glass of lemonade in hand, pontificating about Mike Trout’s WAR and Jordan Spieth’s disintegrating hairline.
Instead, we now look ahead to 16 maddening weeks of overreaction and overanalysis about all things pro football. Every dipshit with a keyboard or microphone will be sprouting a stiffy at the prospect of heaping praise and/or guttural criticism on every NFL narrative, no matter how big or small, until a Super Bowl 50 champion is crowned next February.
I am proudly one of those dipshits. However, I can barely keep up with my grueling one-or-two-posts-per-week schedule here at Stud Running Back, so I’ve enlisted help from some of my friends. For the next three months a special guest will be tasked to recap the previous week of fantasy football drama, while I bask in the jet set lifestyle of a part-time football blogger.
Up first is an old buddy of mine, Internet Troll. I first met Internet Troll sometime around 2007 and we’ve been tight ever since. He’s an illogical douchebag with no sense of humor and a nauseating holier than thou attitude, but he means well. Take it away, pal o’ mine.
LOL Adrian Peterson Owners!
10 carries for 31 yards. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it. When you draft a convicted child abuser and piece of human garbage like Adrian Peterson you get what you deserve. I hope your shitty little fantasy football team drowns in a sewer of rotting rats, which is exactly where Peterson should be right now.
[Ed. Note: Internet Troll can be a tad harsh]
Only Morons Draft Quarterbacks Early
Andrew Luck sucked giant purple dildos. Aaron Rodgers didn’t even throw for 200 yards. Russell Wilson was sacked six times. Peyton Manning looked like a walking corpse. HA-HA! My 5-year-old niece knows taking quarterbacks early is fucking stupid. I got Philip Rivers in the 11th round because I actually have half a brain.
If Chip Kelly Was Such a Genius…
… He would move linebacker Kiko Alonso to wide receiver.
More like Kentucky Derp Horses
If Kentucky Glue Factory didn’t leave Kendall Wright’s 16.10 points on the bench, they would’ve won. LMAO!! I started Wright and crushed. #smarterthanyou
JUST DIE ALREADY!
Because Fucktard #1 and Fucktard #2 don’t know how to milk a lead with less than two minutes to play, I lost by 2 points to the guy with Jason Witten. I hope Eli Manning is ravaged by a swarm of Japanese giant hornets then catapulted into a lake of battery acid, and Tom Coughlin chokes to death on a bucket of rhinoceros dicks.
[Ed. Note: Can’t say I disagree]
Gulfman League Amateur Hour
Three teams scored less than 70 points. I could draft better teams in a coma. NEWWWBBBSSS!!
I stole Julio Jones number five overall in my draft. He was the number one ranked player on my board. It was obvious he was going to blow up this season. 141 yards and two touchdowns. Get used to it. I’ll be laughing all the way to a championship, nerds!
Fantasy Football Is For Losers
I can’t believe anyone plays fantasy football. It’s just so pointless. I would rather read a good book or enroll in a pilates class. Fulfilling the mind, body, and spirit is a much more productive way to spend one’s time. Besides, participating in fantasy football supports the NFL — a corrupt institution owned and operated by rich white men who care more about profit margins than the young men sacrificing their health for a minuscule chance at ephemeral glory. As far as I’m concerned, fantasy football is a childish game played by small-minded people.
[Ed. Note: Ouch]
Hell Yeah CUZ FOOTBALL!
Feel Sorry For Me
I drafted Dez Bryant. And TY Hilton. And DeSean Jackson. And Andre Ellington. And Reggie Bush. Why do bad things keep happening to me? I’m such a good person. #lifeishard
Well, that went, uh, okay? Anyway, see ya next week with another special guest recapper.