Chip Kelly Reviews Week 2 of Fantasy Football

Eagles Redskins FootballBefore I introduce our special guest reviewer for Week 2 of the 2015 Fantasy Football season, I have an important public service announcement to share.

Behold! An endless sea of Golden Boys. This must be what heaven looks like. But I digress.

My guest fantasy recapper this week is Chip Kelly. I first met Chip Kelly early in 2013 while attending a benefit at Chip Kelly’s house, organized by Chip Kelly, honoring Chip Kelly, with all the proceeds going to Chip Kelly. Chip enjoys talking about himself a lot but according to him, he’s supersmart, incredibly inventive, and never wrong. Anyone brimming with that much confidence is someone I want to call a friend. Take it away, Chip.

Injuries? Big Deal

It’s football. Guys get hurt. I don’t get why people are up in arms over Romo, Brees, Cutler, and Stafford missing games. I turned Mark Sanchez into the franchise record-holder in completion percentage last year. Mark Sanchez! It you have a brilliant mind as I do, losing a starting quarterback is inconsequential.

Odell Beckham Jr? I called that

I told the world Odell Beckham Jr. was the best player in the 2014 Draft. If it wasn’t for that pipsqueak Howie Roseman, I would’ve traded LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, and the rights to Jeff Lurie’s private box to land Beckham. But noooooo, Howie had to take the walking talking railroad tie Marcus Smith. Idiot!

Let the record show

foles-stinksFoles is completing 59.3% of his passes and has lost two fumbles. Maclin has 9 catches for 109 yards with zero touchdowns. LeSean is averaging 65 yards rushing per game and hasn’t scored. It’s obvious I knew what I was doing when I kicked these clowns to the curb. Anyone who disagrees is a hater, plain and simple.

BTW, look who’s still healthy!

A twice-torn ACL? Yawn. When I was perfecting my genius in the early 2000s at football powerhouse New Hampshire, I tore an ACL showing my players how to execute a proper jumping jack. Docs told me I needed surgery, but I called bullshit. Instead, I grabbed my blender, whipped up a kale and guava smoothie, and doused my supposedly crippled knee. Two days later I was running the stairs at Cowell Stadium. Sports science, bitches!

The Ravens Defense deserves negative points

I hear some people are whining because the Ravens D finished with negative fantasy points. Boo-hoo. Do these bellyachers realize Baltimore let the Oakland “LOL” Raiders rack up 37 points and 448 yards? Not only does the Ravens D deserve negative points,  they should be forced to swim the English Channel in January wearing nothing but tighty-whities. I mean, under my tutelage in 2013, Nick Foles tied an NFL record with 7 touchdown passes against Oakland. The same Nick Foles I shrewdly traded away to the Rams for the Mr. Glass of Quarterbacks, Sam Bradford. Do I really need to explain this further?

Let’s talk some more about me

I feel like this recap is straying a bit too far from me and my giant brain. Therefore, allow me to steer this bus down the road that leads back to me. A few years ago while teaching a clinic on how I masterminded the greatest offense in the history of football, a small lad raised his frail little arm and queried me the following: “Chip, how did you get to be so awesome?”

After chiding the boy for not calling me Mr. Kelly, I thought long and hard about how to properly answer a question I’d heard thousands upon thousands of times. Based on his shoddy diction and prehistoric manners, I discerned this dimwitted tyke would amount to nothing in life, but I felt obliged to reward the daft urchin a pearl of wisdom that might shine a glimmer of hope on his sad, pathetic future. I answered thusly:

The only one responsible for my awesomeness is me.

The auditorium became ensconced in contemplative silence. Even though none of the faces in the crowd would dare to dream of reaching my greatness, they were nevertheless in awe of being allowed to breathe the same air that greatness breathes.

[Ed. Note: I’m have no idea what this has to do with football]

LOL Seattle and Indy

What kind of Super Bowl contenders begin the season 0-2? More like “pretenders”, amirite?

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams failed to score above 60 points? If I wasn’t preoccupied dominating the NFL, I’d show these buffoons how to properly build a championship roster. Hint: offensive lines are way overrated.

Rookie RBs FTW

If anyone knows a thing or two about running the football, it’s me. Don’t let the numbers fool ya, my rush offense is the best, not worst, in the league. At any rate, rookie backs David Johnson, Matt Jones, Tevin Coleman, and Jeremy Langford all found the end zone in Week 2. Don’t make me trade for all four, cuz I’ll do it.

 And the Week 2 MVP is…

CHIP  KELLY! I’d like to congratulate myself on the win. In case you were wondering, DeMarco Murray was a distant second.


Gotta love Chip Kelly. The man is unflappable. I’ll return next week with another special guest recapper.

Internet Troll Reviews Week 1 of Fantasy Football

A brand new shiny football season is upon us. Praise the fossilized bones of 5000-year-old dinosaurs! Gone are those long summer days spent lounging on the porch,  glass of lemonade in hand, pontificating about Mike Trout’s WAR and Jordan Spieth’s disintegrating hairline.

Instead, we now look ahead to 16 maddening  weeks of overreaction and overanalysis about all things pro football. Every dipshit with a keyboard or microphone will be sprouting a stiffy at the prospect of heaping praise and/or guttural criticism on every NFL narrative, no matter how big or small, until a Super Bowl 50 champion is crowned next February.

I am proudly one of those dipshits. However, I can barely keep up with my grueling one-or-two-posts-per-week schedule here at Stud Running Back, so I’ve enlisted help from some of my friends. For the next three months a special guest will be tasked to recap the previous week of fantasy football drama, while I bask in the jet set lifestyle of a part-time football blogger.

Up first is an old buddy of mine, Internet Troll. I first met Internet Troll sometime around 2007 and we’ve been tight ever since. He’s an illogical douchebag with no sense of humor and a nauseating holier than thou attitude, but he means well. Take it away, pal  o’ mine.

LOL Adrian Peterson Owners!

10 carries for 31 yards. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it. When you draft a convicted child abuser and piece of human garbage like Adrian Peterson you get what you deserve. I hope your shitty little fantasy football team drowns in a sewer of rotting rats, which is exactly where Peterson should be right now.

[Ed. Note: Internet Troll can be a tad harsh]

Only Morons Draft Quarterbacks Early

Andrew Luck sucked giant purple dildos. Aaron Rodgers didn’t even throw for 200 yards. Russell Wilson was sacked six times. Peyton Manning looked like a walking corpse. HA-HA! My 5-year-old niece knows taking quarterbacks early is fucking stupid. I got Philip Rivers in the 11th round because I actually have half a brain.

If Chip Kelly Was Such a Genius…


… He would move linebacker Kiko Alonso to wide receiver.

More like Kentucky Derp Horses

If Kentucky Glue Factory didn’t leave Kendall Wright’s 16.10 points on the bench, they would’ve won. LMAO!! I started Wright and crushed. #smarterthanyou


Because Fucktard #1 and Fucktard #2 don’t know how to milk a lead with less than two minutes to play, I lost by 2 points to the guy with Jason Witten. I hope Eli Manning is ravaged by a swarm of Japanese giant hornets then catapulted into a lake of battery acid, and Tom Coughlin chokes to death on a bucket of rhinoceros dicks.

[Ed. Note: Can’t say I disagree]

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams scored less than 70 points. I could draft better teams in a coma. NEWWWBBBSSS!!


I stole Julio Jones number five overall in my draft. He was the number one ranked player on my board. It was obvious he was going to blow up this season. 141 yards and two touchdowns. Get used to it. I’ll be laughing all the way to a championship, nerds!

Fantasy Football Is For Losers

I can’t believe anyone plays fantasy football. It’s just so pointless. I would rather read a good book or enroll in a pilates class. Fulfilling the mind, body, and spirit is a much more productive way to spend one’s time. Besides, participating in fantasy football supports the NFL — a corrupt institution owned and operated by rich white men who care more about profit margins than the young men sacrificing their health for a minuscule chance at ephemeral glory. As far as I’m concerned, fantasy football is a childish game played by small-minded people.

[Ed. Note: Ouch]


Feel Sorry For Me

I drafted Dez Bryant. And TY Hilton. And DeSean Jackson. And Andre Ellington. And Reggie Bush. Why do bad things keep happening to me? I’m such a good person. #lifeishard


Well, that went, uh, okay? Anyway, see ya next week with another special guest recapper.

Week 13 Fantasy Recap: Scoregasm

I pointed out a few weeks back that the scoring landscape has been a bit barren in 2014. With few exceptions, there haven’t been a lot of super studs rampaging up and down fields on a weekly basis. With scoring spread out over a shit-ton of players, finding guys to count on consistently has been a challenge. An assload of points finally lit up scoreboards in Week 13. Unfortunately, a lot of those numbers were wasted.

Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped up the Titans to the tune of 36.9 points. In Gulfman League, he was unowned. DeAndre Hopkins was the beneficiary of Fitzpatrick’s career day, scoring 35.8 points. In Gulfman League, he was on The Negotiators’ bench. Coby Fleener and Donte Moncrief combined for 361 yards and four touchdowns. In Gulfman League, both were unowned.

I’m not trashing us for not having these guys on our rosters or in our lineups. Really, I’m not. I mean, the Dogs were shrewd enough to play Tre Mason, and the Talkers wisely plugged in Joique Bell once Reggie Bush was deactivated on Turkey Day. We might be idiots, but we’re not morons.

What’s to be done when Colt McCoy outproduces Rodgers, Peyton, and Brady? What’s to be done when Roy Helu gets a touchdown and Alfred Morris doesn’t? What’s to be done when Dan Herron finishes with better stats than Jamaal Charles and Marshawn Lynch? What’s to be done when Davante Adams upstages both Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb?

Nothing. Not a damn thing. That’s what makes fantasy football equal parts fantastic and frustrating.

On to the Week 13 recap.

RIP, Johnny

manzielJust when everyone was ready to merrily skip aboard the Johnny Football bandwagon, Browns’ coach Mike Pettine mowed them down with a gatling gun by naming Brian Hoyer starter for Week 14. Mike Pettine obviously never watched Manziel in college. HE WAS AWESOME!!!

The world needs more Richard Shermans

Praise Richard Sherman. Fuck the NFL league office.

This is embarrassing, even for the Raiders

Matt Schaub, Aaron Donald52-0. Six sacks. Three interceptions, including a pick-six. Two lost fumbles. 244 yards of offense. At least they won TOP 36:56 to 23:04. Atrocious doesn’t begin to describe the Raiders franchise.

WTF, Jimmy Graham

graham-WTFZero catches. Zero targets. And please don’t tell me the Steelers did a pristine job covering him, because they didn’t. At least Ben Watson and Erik Long scored. Ugh.

Bad Golden Boy, Good Golden Boy

Settle down there, Tom. Intense yelling has been scientifically proven to cause crows feet. I’m sure Gisele has needles of botox lying around the house like throw pillows, but no need to tempt the skin gods.

Now, this is more like it:

Be still my heart.

brady-lookI would live in that hair if it was socially acceptable.

Never doubt a Harvard man

Houston Texans vs. Tennessee TitansAfter Ryan Mallett tore his pec and was lost for the season, the Texans turned back to bearded wonder Ryan Fitzpatrick. 358 yards and 6 touchdowns later and Fitzpatrick is the toast of Texas. That is until he throws two picks and loses a fumble versus Jacksonville on Sunday.

Playoff Scenarios

playoffsOne week to go in the fantasy regular season and there are still a bunch of Gulfman League teams alive for the playoffs. Week 14 will be huge. Nice.

In – Character Assassins

Unofficially in – Blind Monkeys (even if they lose to the Petes, total points all but guarantees they advance)

Oh so close – Petes, Glue Factory, Dogs, Negotiators

Need a W and loads of help – Lame Excuses (four teams have to lose and they have to score something like 200 points)

2015 will be their year – Beasts, Pots, He-Rain, Crab, Talkers

If the Petes take down the Monkeys, they are pretty much in based on points. However, a loss and they could be doneski.

A Skinny W also leaves the Factory, Dogs, and Negotiators dueling for the final invite.

There are too many permutations to ponder. To make it simple, four teams are fighting for two spots. Good luck to all involved.

Week 13 Golden Nutsack Award: Chester Copperpots

nutsack2Welcome to 2014 Shady McCoy and Keenan Allen. It only took you three quarters of the season to start producing. I’m sure the Pots are ecstatic that you decided to deliver your best efforts of the season long after they were completely eliminated from playoff contention. Better late than never is bullshit in fantasy.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

candy-14For fans of the ladies.

For fans of the beefcake.

Week 14 Fearless Forecasting

I predicted Eddie Royal would net 84 yards and a score. He got 81 and a score. I’m a realist — there’s no way I’ll do better than that. Alas, I’ll give it a go. The envelope, please:

Robert Woods: 102 yards, 1 TD

Allow me to spring on a limb: the Bills will have to score a lot of points to keep up with Denver. Sammy Watkins is beat up, so that leaves Woods to lap up some of that glorious GTP.


Stud Running Back will return…

Week 12 Fantasy Recap: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Every fantasy football season, players emerge from nowhere to help fake owners seize fake glory. Few if any of the experts/pundits see these guys coming, but their importance to bringing home the ultimate prize can’t be overlooked. Here are a few of these found treasures and how they stack up against so-called studs drafted way ahead of them.

  • A) 859 yards rushing, 3 TDs
  • B) 903 yards rushing, 7 TDs

Player A is LeSean McCoy, the number one overall pick. Player B is Justin Forsett, who went undrafted. Forsett is this year’s answer to 2013 Knowshon Moreno. Both backs went from third-string to starter by staying healthy and being flat out better than everyone else.

  • A) 645 yards rushing, 6 TDs in 8 games
  • B) 681 yards rushing, 2 TDs in 11 games

Player A is former ‘Bama bust Mark Ingram, drafted in the 10th round. Player B is Frank Gore, the last pick in the 3rd round. The Saints backfield is beginning to get crowded again, but Ingram has been money more weeks than not. Gore is running out of gas and losing carries to Carlos Hyde.

  • A) 49 catches, 841 yards, 8 TDs
  • B) 52 catches, 618 yards, 8 TDs

Player A is rookie Mike Evans, nabbed in the 9th round. Player B is Brandon Marshall, selected 23rd overall. When Glue Factory swapped Alshon Jeffery and Lorenzo Taliaferro for Lamar Miller and Evans, I thought Evans was a throwaway piece. I was dead wrong.

  • A) 61 catches, 641 yards, 2 TDs
  • B) 50 catches, 635 yards, 6 TDs

Player A is Keenan Allen, taken 24th overall. Player B is rookie Jordan Matthews, the 11th pick in the 10th round. Allen was last year’s lone rookie wideout to become an every week starter. Matthews is one of about ten rookie receivers from the 2014 class to squeeze his way into lineups.

On to the Week 12 recap.

Aaron Rodgers ‘Crushes’ everything

rodgers-crushNFL record books. Cornerbacks’ souls. Insurance commercials. Olivia Munn. Grape soda. Aaron Rodgers isn’t a player, he just crushes a lot.

Daniel Thomas scored a touchdown?

I honestly thought Thomas was run out of the league in 2012.

Superhero loses his cape

NFL: Washington Redskins at San Francisco 49ersFor the second time in the last two years, Robert Griffin III has been benched. Chalk it up to poor health, poor play, or a combination of the two. Whatever the reasons, RG III’s reign as Washington’s savior is over. Jay Gruden is a first-rate moron, but suggesting that Colt McCoy gives the ‘Skins a better chance of winning isn’t a completely wackadoo notion. I for one find this whole kerfuffle all kinds of exciting. My dream of RG III overthrowing Percy Harvin because he ran a shitty route as the Jets are being pummeled 42-3 is one step closer to fruition.

Mr. Unappreciated

Did you know that Anquan Boldin is tied for 15th on the all-time receptions list with 922? That’s more grabs than Hall of Famers Steve Largent, Shannon Sharpe, James Lofton, Michael Irvin, and Charlie Joyner. Despite playing with marginal quarterbacks for the majority of his career, Boldin has done nothing but produce. It’s time we gave him his due.

Meet Fantasy Football’s Lord Voldemort

Remember Jonas Gray? Neither does Bill Belichick. A week after Gray rushed for 201 yards and four scores against the Colts, he received nary a carry on Sunday. Instead, LeGarrette Blount rumbled for 78 yards and a pair of touchdowns. The same Blount cut by the Steelers five days earlier for basically being a whiny dick. Belichick don’t care. He’ll take a childish malcontent over an oversleeper and a chronic fumbler any day.

Catch it like Beckham

beckhamThis snag was so good, ODB might get himself a coveted ESPY for Greatest Play by a Stud Rookie on a Shitty Team That Finds New and Creative Ways to Choke Away Games.

Playoff Scenarios

playoffsIt’s that time, boys and girl. Let’s spin the ol’ playoff wheel and see where it lands.

In – Character Assassins (10-2)

Looking good – Skinny Petes (8-4), Blind Monkeys (8-4)

In the hunt – All four are 7-5: Glue Factory, Lame Excuses, Negotiators, Weiner Dogs

Need mucho ayuda – Beasts (5-7), He-Rain (5-7)

LOL – Copperpots (2-10), Crab (3-9), Talkers (3-9)

Petes and Monkeys meet in Week 14, which is A) awesome, and B) huge in deciding who will qualify for the postseason. Loser could be doneski, particularly if one of the 7-5 teams wins out. Regardless, da Monkeys look like the team to beat, having won six straight and topped 100-plus points in four of five.

And how about the number one pick finishing in the dumper? That rarely happens. Take a collective bow, LeSean, Keenan, Vinnie, Zac, and Pierre.

Week 12 Golden Nutsack Award: Furry Beasts

nutsack2Oooooh, I love it when a backfield curb stomps a defense. The duo of Justin Forsett and Eddie Lacy combined for 56.8 points to help the Furry ones bitch slap Skinny Pete into a blue meth haze, and in turn keep their super slim playoff hopes alive. That’s nutsack material, plain and simple.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

candy-12For fans of the ladies.

cake-12For fans of the beefcake.

Week 13 Fearless Forecasting

Sheesh, I suck at this. Welp, I’m digging deep into those convoluted DVOA stats for this pick. The envelope, please:

Eddie Royal: 84 yards, 1 TD

The Ravens are especially vulnerable to No. 2 and No. 3 receivers, so I’m going with the king of fantasy trolls to have one of his out-of-left-field big weeks.


Happy Thanksgiving. Stud Running Back will return…

Week 11 Fantasy Recap: Tabula Rasa

Forget all that came before. There are three weeks remaining until the fantasy playoffs begin. Thin at a certain position? Better find a warm body. Sick of holding onto draft day dead weight? Dump their asses. Have eyes for another team’s player? Pull the trigger on a trade.

The clock is ticking.

On to the Week 11 recap.

Eli/Peyton Face

It's been a solid week for Manning face. (CBS/Fox)

Seven combined picks. Two humiliating defeats. Priceless.

The Redskins are an abomination

First of all, that winter hat/hoody combo is fantastic. I need one now. What isn’t fantastic is everything else to do with the Washington, ahem, football team. RG III makes an innocuous platitude about needing 11 guys to win. Then alleged head coach Jay Gruden blasts his alleged franchise quarterback for suggesting that the entire roster is rotting garbage. OH NO! DISTRACTIONS!!

Allow me to sum up this mess. RG III stinks. DeSean Jackson is the voice of reason. Jay Gruden is in way over his head. Daniel Snyder is a shitty owner. The Redskins are a dysfunctional franchise. Which is why they are 6-20 since the start of 2013. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

WTF Stats


  • Aaron Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau Field since Week 13 of the 2012 season.
  • Randall Cobb has caught 54 of his 74 targets for 10 touchdowns. To put that efficiency in perspective, Jeremy Maclin has caught 58 of 102 targets for 9 scores. Demaryius Thomas has caught 72 of 111 targets for 6 scores. Point is, Aaron Rodgers is really, really accurate.
  • Since 2011, nine different Patriots running backs have carried the ball. This includes five in 2014. Don’t get too excited about Jonas Gray.
  • Tim Wright has caught 18 of his 20 targets for four touchdowns. Daniel Fells has caught all 10 of his targets for four touchdowns.
  • The Eagles have scored 9 D/ST touchdowns in ten games. The Raiders have scored 17 total touchdowns in ten games.

Last chance, dick

With Ahmad Bradshaw done for the season with his annual broken bone, Trent Richardson and his hefty 3.3 career yards per carry average gets one final shot to prove he’s not a useless tub of guts. What could possibly go wrong?

Ya know who’s back

As the late great Nate Dogg once said: “Smoke weed everyday.”

Run ’em into the ground

37. 36. 33. 29. Those are the amount of carries Jonas Gray, Alfred Blue, Le’Veon Bell, and Tre Mason received on Sunday. And guess what? All four of their teams won, including St. Louis shocking Denver. The snow is beginning to fly. Time to lean on the ground attack.

Good riddance

Adrian-PetersonAdrian Peterson said before the season he’d like to end his career as a Dallas Cowboy. Your move, Jerry Jones.

Week 11 Golden Nutsack Award: Kentucky Glue Factory

nutsack2Two words: Mike Evans. He’s a rookie. He’s on the horrid Bucs. His quarterbacks are Josh McCown and Mike Glennon. He plays opposite the proven Vinnie Jackson. And yet this young stud ranks 10th among all wide receivers in yards, and he’s been unstoppable for three straight weeks. As such, the Glue Factory sniffs the sack this week.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

candy-11For fans of the ladies.

cake-11For fans of the beefcake.

Week 12 Fearless Forecasting

Last week’s pick Greg Jennings got hurt because he’s Greg Jennings. My bad. Time to redeem myself yet again. The envelope, please:

Cecil Shorts: 105 yards, 1 TD

I dunno. Blake Bortles has to throw it to someone when the Jags are down by three touchdowns in the second half.


Stud Running Back will return…

Week 10 Fantasy Recap: When the Levee Breaks

leveeFor the most part, fantasy points have been hard to come by in 2014. If you can hit 90 points on a weekly basis, you’re probably doing okay. Shit seasons from proven studs like LeSean McCoy, Calvin Johnson, A.J. Green, Eddie Lacy, Keenan Allen, Alshon Jeffery, and Andre Johnson, among others, has something to do with the slide in production. But it’s the sorry state of the RB position as a whole that’s the main culprit.

Le’Veon Bell isn’t scoring touchdowns. Gio Bernard is hurt. Frank Gore isn’t getting enough carries. C.J. Spiller is out for the year. Shane Vereen plays for Bill Belichick. Darren Sproles is stealing touchdowns. Ugh.

The Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice debacles have had a trickle-down effect in Minnesota and Baltimore. Rather than leaning on a featured guy, both teams have been forced to turn to maddening committees. Matt Asiata and Jerick McKinnon have had their moments for the Vikings, but neither is an every week starter. Justin Forsett has been solid for the Ravens, but his first multi-TD game didn’t come until this week. Bernard Pierce and Lorenzo Taliaferro? No thanks.

Want more committees? Feast your eyes on the migraines in Cleveland, Atlanta, Tampa, Detroit, Carolina, New England, Tennessee, Denver, San Diego, Oakland, St. Louis, and Buffalo. None of the backs from these teams can be pegged as reliable fantasy contributors. That’s 14 teams, nearly half the league, without a clear-cut number one runner.

It’s frustrating as hell it what it is. It’s also today’s NFL. It’s also why fake teams fortunate enough to own a pair of stud runners are kicking ass.

On to the Week 10 recap.

Monday Night Madness

The Assassins entered Monday night trailing by 51.1 points. Dud efforts from Matt Forte, Jeremy Hill, Antonio Brown, and the useless Michael Floyd had all but sealed their fate. Unless the Eagles D/ST and rookie wide receiver Jordan Matthews blew up. Well, they and he did blow up. In a big, big way. 52.8 combined points later and the Assassins shocked the Beasts to move to 9-1 on the season. Crazy.

The vanishing

Marques Colston is officially dog shit. He’s always been banged up and prone to prolonged disappearing acts, but now he’s flat out dropping game-changing gimme touchdowns. The one he flubbed on Sunday versus the Niners probably cost the Cajuns a much-needed home victory. He’ll look great in a Jets uniform in 2015.

Batman and Robin

Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb have combined for 18 touchdowns in nine games. That’s more than 23 teams, including twice as many as the Bengals, and three times as many as the Vikings. If you dabble in DFS, this duo is absolute money in the bank.

Megatron denied

I doubt there will be an interception this season more impressive that the one snagged by Fish corner Brent Grimes. That’s an automatic six most Sundays.

Daaaaaaaa Raiders!!

raiders-derpIf this derp of epic proportions doesn’t sum up the Raiders, I don’t know what does. Just watch and be amazed by the hilarious ineptitude.

Poor Brock


Not so fast clipboard holder. Pey-Pey ain’t done eviscerating Oakland yet. Brock Osweiler is genuinely pissed, which is just plain awesome.

Andy Dalton: DEFCON 1

If Andy Dalton is going to vomit up these kinds of numbers, why don’t the Bengals sign Tim Tebow and elevate him to starter? They’d save a shit-ton of cash, and best of all have Jesus on their side. It’s a win-win when you think about it.

Week 10 Golden Nutsack Award – Skinny Petes

nutsack2Owning Marshawn Lynch and Jordy Nelson in Week 10 was fantasy bliss. Beast Mode racked 40.3 points and it could’ve been more if a 5th TD wasn’t negated due to a penalty. A team that starts Antone Smith and Kyle Orton and still wins by 30 equates to total domination. Lift your hand and cup the sack, Skinny. You’ve earned it.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

candy-10For fans of the ladies

cake-10For fans of the beefcake.

Week 11 Fearless Forecasting

Effing nailed my Jordan Matthews pick. The rook’s 25.8 points helped me get a W and for once made me look good as a prognosticator. Time to conjure up another under the radar gem. The envelope, please:

Greg Jennings: 99 yards, 1 TD

Have you seen the Bears defense the last two games? The Starks from Game of Thrones have seen less abuse. Even toddler-armed Teddy Bridgewater can pick apart these clods.


Stud Running Back will return…

Week 9 Fantasy Recap: An Early Thanksgiving

After watching all the games (yes, I watch all the games) from Week 9 of the 2014 NFL season, I came away feeling joyful over the sheer number of fantasy football treasures. So much so that I’ve decided to throw an early Turkey Day extravaganza. Time to slip into that pilgrim suit and break bread with a Redskin (Kirk Cousins is available). I’m thankful for…

  • The Bucs and Browns backfields being complete and utter quagmires.
  • Andrew Luck and Ben Roethlisberger shredding opposing secondaries.
  • Arian Foster once again proving he’s totally unreliable.
  • Teddy Bridgewater’s grade school arm strength.
  • 10 carries, 26 yards, 3 touchdowns.
  • Giovani Bernard’s perfectly timed hip injury.
  • Mark Ingram’s career resurrection.
  • Stellar play from rookie wide receivers.
  • Brandon Weeden.
  • Percy Harvin once again duping people into thinking he might be good.
  • Golden Boy Tom Brady.
  • Names like Crockett Gillmore.
  • Mark Sanchez inevitably crushing the hopes and dreams of another fanbase.
  • The Bucs stupidly turning back to Josh McCown.
  • Antonio Brown and Jeremy Maclin.
  • Both New Jersey football teams.
  • Jim Harbaugh’s curious coaching catastrophes.
  • Chip Kelly press conferences.
  • Jerry Jones’ bloated ego.

Time to feast on the Week 9 recap.

Peyton Face

Needs work to compete with little bro.

An epidemic of mass proportions

Four current and former Jets quarterbacks sullied fields this past Sunday: Mike Vick, Matt Simms, Mark Sanchez, and Kellen Clemens. That’s four Jets quarterbacks too many.

The kids are alright

Seven rookie wide receivers are ranked in the Top 50 in fantasy scoring. That list includes not one, but two Jacksonville Jaguars — Alan Hurns and Allen Robinson. Just outside the Top 50 and climbing fast are Odell Beckham Jr., Martavis Bryant, Jordan Matthews, Jarvis Landry, and Davante Adams. It would appear that this massively hyped class of neophyte pass catchers is actually meeting expectations.

Clash of the Titans

clash-titansIt was the New York Division-leading Lame Excuses throwing down with the Carolina Division-leading Character Assassins. in Week 9 of Gulfman League. The Lame ones were hampered by DeMarco Murray’s worst outing of the season and a second straight flop from Greg Olsen. Meanwhile, the Assassins rode the legs of Matt Forte replacement Jeremy Hill and the unsinkable Antonio Brown; the duo combined for 48.7 points which helped offset Philip River’s horrid performance against the Fish. Methinks these two powers will meet again down the road.

The great quarterback experiment (update)


I realize no one but me gives a poop about my desire to prove that quarterbacks are tremendously overrated in fantasy. That said, I’m having a blast playing signal-caller roulette in my other fake league. After 5 weeks I stood at 4-1 using the following chaps:

  • Week 1 – Jake Locker – 24 points (Win)
  • Week 2 – Geno Smith – 19.5 points (Loss – Thanks, AJ Green)
  • Week 3 – Kirk Cousins – 33.6 points (Win)
  • Week 4 – Mike Glennon – 22.1 points (Win)
  • Week 5 – Austin Davis – 32 points (Win)

After Week 9, I’m 6-3, tied for second in my division, and third in total points.

  • Week 6 – Brian Hoyer – 14.9 points (Loss)
  • Week 7 – Kyle Orton – 22.1 points (Win)
  • Week 8 – Zach Mettenberger – 22.9 points (Win)
  • Week 9 – Ryan Fitzpatrick – 23.1 points (Loss)

I wanted Sanchez for this week, but the Foles owner swiped him first. Instead, I’m rolling with Alex Smith versus the Bills.

WTF stats


  • Ben Roethlisberger has 12 touchdown passes in his last two games. The Lions have 11 touchdown passes in eight games.
  • The Jets defense has surrendered 24 touchdowns in nine games. The Lions defense has surrendered 9 touchdowns in eight games.
  • Matt Asiata has 9 career touchdowns. Three games with three scores and 33 games with zero scores.
  • LeSean McCoy has 349 of his 622 yards in his last three starts. His next three opponents rank 26th, 32nd, and 28th versus the run.
  • Antonio Brown is on pace to catch 135 balls for over 1800 yards. The only wide receiver with more receptions than Matt Forte is Antonio Brown.
  • Brandon LaFell scored 4.6 fantasy points in the first three games of the season. Since then he’s scored 76.8 fantasy points.

Bengals botch of the week

That would be Andy Dalton tossing a ghastly pick of his own left tackle’s back. Don’t go changin’, Cincinnati!

Week 9 Golden Nutsack Award – He-Rain

nutsack2Jeremy Maclin and Gronk are straight up crushing it lately. J-Mac netted 58.5 points the last two weeks while Gronk was racking 49.4 points. Who needs healthy knees? Torrey Smith has yet to crack 100 yards, but he’s found the endzone four times in his last four starts. If Colin Kaepernick stops playing like bad Michael Vick, He-Rain will be dangerous down the stretch.

Prerequisite eye candy

candy-8For fans of the ladies.

For fans of the beefcake.

Week 10 Fearless Forecasting

A much-needed break has (hopefully) rejuvenated my forecasting skills. I’m putting my money where my mouth is. The envelope, please:

Jordan Matthews: 85 yards, 1 TD

Sanchez and the rook had sweet chemistry in August. And yes, Matthews will be in my lineup this week.


Stud Running Back will return…

Fantasy Football Major Midseason Awards

Week 7 marked the halfway point of the 2014 fantasy football season. In lieu of the normal recap, it seems only fitting to hand out some well-earned hardware for what has been a brutal and strange seven weeks of fake football. Each of the 12 Gulfman League teams will find a gift in their stockings, although a few might not be pleased with Santa’s offerings. Enough jibber jabber, let’s dole out some major awards.

Best at hoarding quarterback talent – The Negotiators

Are you ever going to bench Aaron Rodgers? No. So you start Wilson in Week 9 during Rodgers’ bye… and then what? Wilson doesn’t have malcontent albatross Percy Harvin around to fuck up the Seahawks offense anymore, so his value will never be higher. Dealing him to a quarterback-needy team to upgrade at receiver or defense would be wise.

Best at proving running backs are unreliable pains in the ass – Blind Monkeys

Due to a horrific spate of injuries and all-around shittiness, the visually impaired simians have started six different running backs, including Ms. McFadden up there. Shockingly, McFadden has been one of the healthiest runners in the league through seven weeks. That alone should be a sterling indicator of how insanely frustrating it’s been to field a serviceable backfield on a weekly basis.

Best at concealing their identity – Cracker the Crab

"James Ihedigbo, Marques Colston"Is Marques Colston good or bad? What about Michael Crabtree? Or Alfred Morris? Or Tom Brady? Gio Bernard? Cordarrelle Patterson? WHAT ABOUT EDDIE FUCKING ROYAL?! Sheesh, this team is a big fat enigma. They should be a lot better than 2-5. Or maybe they should be worse. I dunno. Someone slap me in the face.

Best at proving stud running backs are still awesome – Lame Excuses

I loathe DeMarco Murray. Let me count the reasons why: 1. He’s a Dallas Cowboy 2. He’s smashing NFL records 3. He’s overshadowing LeSean McCoy 4. He’s a Dallas Cowboy 5. I don’t own him on any of my fake teams. All that said, I can’t help but feel a teeny tiny bit warm inside watching him steamroll defenses. Contrary to trending opinion, stud runners still rule fantasy football.

Best at getting burned by the Detroit Lions – Walkers Talkers

Rostering one Detroit Lion is ballsy. Rostering two Detroit Lions is dangerous. Rostering three Detroit Lions is DEFCON 1 status. The only situation more volatile would be owning four Oakland Raiders. If this ever comes to pass in the world of fantasy sports, we might as well kiss our collective asses goodbye because the planet will implode.

Best underachieving team – Chester Copperpots

Foles. McCoy. Stacy. Allen. Garcon. Vinnie. This team would’ve shredded the league in 2013. Too bad it’s 2014. If all of these guys wake up at once, duck and cover. And since I’m the one facing the Pots in Week 8, I’m fully confident this will be the week they all decide to live up to their talent and pummel me into oblivion.

Best quarterback/wide receiver combo – Skinny Petes


Barring injury, Andrew Luck and Jordy Nelson will likely finish number one at their respective positions. In non-PPR formats, it’s highly possible to seize fake glory riding the backs of two superstars. And having the kicker for the league’s highest scoring offense doesn’t hurt either. Yes, I just praised a footie. I feel sick.

Best at screwing with math – He-Rain

Because fantasy football is maddening and ridiculous, He-Rain is 2-5 despite scoring 23.4 more points than they’ve allowed. I blame Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice.

Best worst luck at keeping quarterbacks under center – Furry Beasts

Think your signal-callers stink? I’ve got a pair of Redskins and a Jake Locker to make you think otherwise. At least Ryan Tannehill is respectable. Then again, this is Ryan Tannehill, so a collapse is most assuredly imminent. Colt McCoy is not the answer. Don’t do it, Beasts.

Best at avoiding thermonuclear landmines – Character Assassins


In hindsight, drafting Adrian Peterson and Toby Gerhart was dubious. Fortunately, the resurrection of 12th-round pick Ahmad Bradshaw and a trade for the severely underrated Matt Forte has salvaged my efforts. The other shoe will drop eventually, but it’s been one helluva ride so far.

Best scrambling to stay afloat – Kentucky Glue Factory

The draft strategy was sound: steer clear of potential running back conundrums by loading up on receivers. Ah, the best laid plans. Alshon Jeffery’s slow start led to him being swapped for Lamar Miller because Knowshon Moreno and Ryan Matthews couldn’t stay healthy, and Chris Johnson did his best Chris Johnson impression. Toss in Jimmy Graham’s will-he-or-won’t-he-play routine and you’ve got a fantasy migraine. Nevertheless, the Blue Grassers are in the thick of the postseason hunt.

Best at reading the tea leaves – Weiner Dogs

Leaving aside the Percy Harvin kerfuffle, the Dogs drafted Steve Smith, Odell Beckham, and Mike Wallace, and each is exceeding expectations as well as their draft position. Weiner also shrewdly plucked Jerick McKinnon from the scrap heap after learning of Adrian Peterson’s prehistoric methods of child rearing.


Stud Running Back will return…

Week 6 Fantasy Recap: The Myth of Offensive Weapons

week6-headerThere’s a trend circumventing the NFL that’s been bothering me for the last couple of years. It’s not the endless rule changes. Or the ridiculous fines levied for wearing a certain type of headphones. Or the complete lack of competent leadership at the top. Or the fact that Blaine Gabbert is still allowed to wear a uniform. Or the Violet Beauregarde-sized casts on pregame shows.

All that shit ruffles my feathers to a certain degree. But what really sticks in my craw is the laughable notion that overrated jackasses like Percy Harvin have been anointed “offensive weapons.” To be a weapon suggests he makes eye-popping plays on a regular basis, and scores touchdowns, and is difficult to contain. Percy Harvin is and does none of that.

In five games, Harvin has 22 catches for 133 yards. That’s a whopping 6 yards per reception. Fantastic if he was a running back, but he’s not. He’s a, ahem, wide receiver. Averaging 6 yards per catch. 6. But he runs too! Oh yeah, I forgot. 11 carries for 92 yards and his lone touchdown, which should have been called back if NFL officials weren’t a collection of farsighted dipshits:

harvin-sucksMake the correct call and this fearsome offensive weapon of awesomeness has 33 total touches for 203 yards and zero touchdowns in five games. Harvin supporters will point to last Monday night’s ‘three touchdowns negated to penalty’ as proof he’s a wonder of wizardry. Against the Redskins’ diarrhea-filled diaper of a secondary? Nice try. Peter Dinklage could beat those safeties on a post route.

How did this superhuman highlight machine do versus Dallas last Sunday? 6 touches for -1 yard.

Harvin isn’t alone in his superior set of scintillating skills. Padawan learners Cordarrelle Patterson and Tavon Austin are following his lead by doing absolutely nothing for the Vikings and Rams, respectively. Patterson’s only touchdown came in Week 1 on a flukey 67-yard run. Since then he’s done jack squat. Austin has 17 touches for 144 yards and zero touchdowns.

cricketsNone of this terrific trio is worth starting, or even owning if I’m being completely honest. The likes of Travis Benjamin, Louis Murphy, Miles Austin, Allen Robinson, and Robert Woods have more fantasy points than Austin and Harvin.

If you can’t grasp an NFL route tree, you can’t play wide receiver in the NFL. Line them up in the backfield, stick them in the slot, dial up a jet sweep, call an antiquated double-reverse, blah blah blah. By resorting to gadgetry, offensive coaches are admitting these players just aren’t good enough to do what actual wide receivers do every single week.

Percy Harvin and his ilk aren’t offensive weapons. They’re offensive liabilities. Let’s stop pretending otherwise.

On to the Week 6 recap!

What a real offensive weapon looks like

Antone Smith: 23 touches, 346 yards, 5 TDs

Return of Eli Face

Not his best effort. Time to dig up a classic:

That’s much better. Again, two Super Bowls. I’m at a loss…

Fire up the guillotine

Cheer up Falcons fans. Mike Smith is not long for his gig. He might not even last the season. And he shouldn’t. Smith has a defensive background, but you wouldn’t know it by watching his clown car unit on Sundays. They rank 31st in total defense — only the garbage scow Bucs are worse. This comes a year after ranking 27th overall and making zero effort to add legit talent. Even more egregious than his horrific defense is his insane running back rotation, which features four fucking guys! Only one of those guys is any good, and he’s received the fewest carries among the four. Huh? Just fire this shitbird already.

Guess who’s back?

cam-14Because the Panthers’ backfield resembles the Colonial Marines in Aliens, Cam Newton is once again leading the ground assault in Carolina. He shredded the Bengals on 17 carries for 107 yards and a touchdown, which was better than all but five running backs in Week 6. Speaking of the Bengals…

Don’t go changin’ Cincinnati

Derp. To quote Pacman Jones: “Do your job.” Footies are the worst.

WTF Stats


  • Ahmad Bradshaw, Justin Forsett, Lamar Miller, and Antone Smith are all ranked in the Top 10 in running back points through six games. Higher than LeSean McCoy, Eddie Lacy, Alfred Morris, and Frank Gore.
  • DeMarco Murray has 159 carries. The next closest back is McCoy with 117.
  • Andrew Luck and Philip Rivers have combined for 32 touchdowns. Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford have combined for 17 touchdowns.
  • Matthew Stafford has been sacked 21 times on 212 dropbacks, That’s roughly one sack per 10 attempts. Drew Brees has been sacked 4 times on 218 dropbacks. That’s roughly one sack per 54 attempts.
  • Keenan Allen has 28 catches for 296 yards. Matt Forte has 46 catches for 376 yards.
  • Larry Donnell has one catch for 6 yards in his last two games. Clay Harbor has six catches for 113 yards and a touchdown in his last two games.

The Cowboys are good


Week 6 Golden Nutsack Award – Chester Copperpots

nutsack2For finally winning a game, the Pots get to cradle the Nutsack in Week 6. It was far from pretty, but Shady’s best outing of the season coupled with recent acquisition Alshon Jeffery’s 13.6 points was enough to bring home a .7-point victory. If Zac Stacy, Keenan Allen, and Nick Foles surgically remove their heads from their rectums, the Pots could make a run.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

week6-candyFor fans of the ladies.

For fans of the beefcake.

Fearless Forecasting for Week 7

Hoo-boy. My prognosticating skills need an enema. Walgreens, here I come. The envelope, please:

James Starks 60 yards, 1 TD

The Panthers are yielding 157 yards per game. Starks and Lacy both have big days.


Sud Running Back will return…

Week 5 Fantasy Recap: Stranger in a Strange Land

Is it just me or has this fantasy football season been a little weird? Correction, a lot weird. I can’t put my finger on the catalyst for the peculiar aura surrounding 2014, but something is definitely askew. Maybe it’s all the off the field drama that has turned things upside down. Perhaps it’s the abnormally high rate of injuries to relevant players. Or it could be the overwhelming feeling that none of the 32 teams appear to be all that good. It just feels off.

Seattle is still at the top of the heap, but flaming out in San Diego and repeatedly stalling versus the horrendous Redskins is puzzling. Denver can’t run the ball. The Patriots are anorexic on talent. The Eagles are a vexing mishmash of buffoonery that are somehow 4-1. Dallas is an implosion waiting to happen. The 49ers hate their head coach. Arizona is down to a rookie third-string quarterback. And the Bengals are, well, the Bengals.

When did LeSean McCoy get infected with Brandon Jacobs’ DNA? How many broken down running backs can San Diego employ? Why does Gus Bradley still have a job? Are the Saints no longer fantasy gold? Why don’t the Jets just forfeit the remainder of the season? Can the Raiders be on bye every week? Will Calvin Johnson’s ankle be amputated, and will that negatively impact his production?

I mean, Eli Manning is completing 66% of his passes and only five of them have been caught by the other team. DeMarco Murray has logged 130 carries without suffering an injury. Frank Gore hasn’t shattered. The Lions have the number one ranked defense. Kyle Orton is leading the Bills to wins.

Where the #$%& am I and how did I get here?! Did I travel through the same wormhole as Matthew McConaughey did in Interstellar? Have I transcended time and space? Are armed apes on horseback going to show up and throw me into a cage?

Let’s get to the recap before a smoke monster disembowels me.

Oh, Percy

Harvin-2Harvin-3Just when Seattle figures out how to use Percy Harvin properly, the poor bastard has three touchdowns called back. Against the Scalpers. Ouch. Sadly, this is the best we’ll see of the overpaid “offensive weapon” because he’s due for his annual 4-6 week leg/neck/head injury.

All hail King Douche

schwartz-doucheHey, Jim Schwartz. You’re a mediocre defensive coordinator on a mediocre team, not Buddy Ryan after Super Bowl XX. You went 29-52 as Detroit’s head coach. The only time this egomaniacal turd should be carried is right before he’s dumped into a vat of boiling oil.

The portrait of unreliability

foster-dallasArian Foster led all rostered running backs with 29.2 points in Week 5. Unfortunately for The Negotiators, he was sitting on their bench. Why? Because he’s totally unreliable. I wouldn’t have played him either. Not a week after he rushed 8 times for 6 yards. Fantasy football is all about consistency and trust. Sure, Foster is great when he’s healthy and facing shitty defenses. Problem is it’s impossible to discern when he doesn’t have a bad hammy or gimpy ankle. If I owned his sorry ass, I would trade him to anyone gullible enough to believe he’ll make it through the rest of the season unscathed.

Stop chasing points, people

donnellHow did Larry Donnell do in Week 5? What about Eddie Royal? Or Jerick McKinnon? The trio combined to net a whopping 8.6 points a week after setting the fake football world ablaze with their amazing touchdown prowess. I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. Chasing points is an exercise in futility.

The great quarterback experiment

QB-experimentIn another league, I’ve undertaken an experiment to prove my longstanding theory that quarterbacks are completely overrated in fantasy. I’ve been a member of this 12-team league for about eight years, so it’s established, not one of those ridiculous ESPN or Yahoo public leagues. Anyway, rather than draft a couple of quarterbacks per normal, I chose not to draft one at all.

Instead, I am streaming QBs weekly from whomever is available on the waiver wire. Since we can only roster a max of two signal-callers, there are always a handful of guys floating around on the wire. Thus far, my team is looking good with a 4-1 record. Here’s how the quarterbacks I’ve used have fared through five weeks:

  • Week 1 – Jake Locker – 24 points (Win)
  • Week 2 – Geno Smith – 19.5 points (Loss – Thanks, AJ Green)
  • Week 3 – Kirk Cousins – 33.6 points (Win)
  • Week 4 – Mike Glennon – 22.1 points (Win)
  • Week 5 – Austin Davis – 32 points (Win)

I can use the same guy more than once, but not two weeks in a row. This Sunday I’m rolling with Brian Hoyer against Pittsburgh. Further updates to come.

Tom Brady: still awesome

Take that naysayers! Nobody puts Golden Boy in the corner. Look at the magical game of hot potato, followed by the spike to end all spikes. He is a god among gods. A primordial warrior constructed of steely resolve and resolute aplomb. Crisis averted (until the Pats lose by 10 at Buffalo).

 The best 2014 Jacksonville Jaguar is…

The mascot. Makes total sense.

Week 5 Golden Nutsack Award – Furry Beasts

nutsack2Eddie Lacy steamrolled the pitiful Vikings and DeSean Jackson shredded the vaunted Seahawks secondary. Hell, even Jake Locker was serviceable before exiting with his 23rd injury of the season. These beasts got balls. Golden balls.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

Screen Shot 2014-10-06 at 2.18.27 PM

For fans of the ladies (and leather footballs).

For fans of the beefcake (and flags).

Week 6 Fearless Forecasting

I suck at this. But I’m undeterred. He won’t put up Steve Smith vs. Carolina numbers, but this wide receiver will exact a measure of vengeance against his former team. The envelope, please:

Andre Roberts – 68 yards, 1 TD

Kirk Cousins + Logan Thomas = Great theater.


Stud Running Back will return…