Behold! An endless sea of Golden Boys. This must be what heaven looks like. But I digress.
My guest fantasy recapper this week is Chip Kelly. I first met Chip Kelly early in 2013 while attending a benefit at Chip Kelly’s house, organized by Chip Kelly, honoring Chip Kelly, with all the proceeds going to Chip Kelly. Chip enjoys talking about himself a lot but according to him, he’s supersmart, incredibly inventive, and never wrong. Anyone brimming with that much confidence is someone I want to call a friend. Take it away, Chip.
Injuries? Big Deal
It’s football. Guys get hurt. I don’t get why people are up in arms over Romo, Brees, Cutler, and Stafford missing games. I turned Mark Sanchez into the franchise record-holder in completion percentage last year. Mark Sanchez! It you have a brilliant mind as I do, losing a starting quarterback is inconsequential.
Odell Beckham Jr? I called that
I told the world Odell Beckham Jr. was the best player in the 2014 Draft. If it wasn’t for that pipsqueak Howie Roseman, I would’ve traded LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, and the rights to Jeff Lurie’s private box to land Beckham. But noooooo, Howie had to take the walking talking railroad tie Marcus Smith. Idiot!
Let the record show
Foles is completing 59.3% of his passes and has lost two fumbles. Maclin has 9 catches for 109 yards with zero touchdowns. LeSean is averaging 65 yards rushing per game and hasn’t scored. It’s obvious I knew what I was doing when I kicked these clowns to the curb. Anyone who disagrees is a hater, plain and simple.
BTW, look who’s still healthy!
A twice-torn ACL? Yawn. When I was perfecting my genius in the early 2000s at football powerhouse New Hampshire, I tore an ACL showing my players how to execute a proper jumping jack. Docs told me I needed surgery, but I called bullshit. Instead, I grabbed my blender, whipped up a kale and guava smoothie, and doused my supposedly crippled knee. Two days later I was running the stairs at Cowell Stadium. Sports science, bitches!
The Ravens Defense deserves negative points
I hear some people are whining because the Ravens D finished with negative fantasy points. Boo-hoo. Do these bellyachers realize Baltimore let the Oakland “LOL” Raiders rack up 37 points and 448 yards? Not only does the Ravens D deserve negative points, they should be forced to swim the English Channel in January wearing nothing but tighty-whities. I mean, under my tutelage in 2013, Nick Foles tied an NFL record with 7 touchdown passes against Oakland. The same Nick Foles I shrewdly traded away to the Rams for the Mr. Glass of Quarterbacks, Sam Bradford. Do I really need to explain this further?
Let’s talk some more about me
I feel like this recap is straying a bit too far from me and my giant brain. Therefore, allow me to steer this bus down the road that leads back to me. A few years ago while teaching a clinic on how I masterminded the greatest offense in the history of football, a small lad raised his frail little arm and queried me the following: “Chip, how did you get to be so awesome?”
After chiding the boy for not calling me Mr. Kelly, I thought long and hard about how to properly answer a question I’d heard thousands upon thousands of times. Based on his shoddy diction and prehistoric manners, I discerned this dimwitted tyke would amount to nothing in life, but I felt obliged to reward the daft urchin a pearl of wisdom that might shine a glimmer of hope on his sad, pathetic future. I answered thusly:
The only one responsible for my awesomeness is me.
The auditorium became ensconced in contemplative silence. Even though none of the faces in the crowd would dare to dream of reaching my greatness, they were nevertheless in awe of being allowed to breathe the same air that greatness breathes.
[Ed. Note: I’m have no idea what this has to do with football]
LOL Seattle and Indy
What kind of Super Bowl contenders begin the season 0-2? More like “pretenders”, amirite?
Gulfman League Amateur Hour
Three teams failed to score above 60 points? If I wasn’t preoccupied dominating the NFL, I’d show these buffoons how to properly build a championship roster. Hint: offensive lines are way overrated.
Rookie RBs FTW
If anyone knows a thing or two about running the football, it’s me. Don’t let the numbers fool ya, my rush offense is the best, not worst, in the league. At any rate, rookie backs David Johnson, Matt Jones, Tevin Coleman, and Jeremy Langford all found the end zone in Week 2. Don’t make me trade for all four, cuz I’ll do it.
And the Week 2 MVP is…
CHIP KELLY! I’d like to congratulate myself on the win. In case you were wondering, DeMarco Murray was a distant second.
Gotta love Chip Kelly. The man is unflappable. I’ll return next week with another special guest recapper.