Tag Archives: 2015 fantasy football

Chip Kelly Reviews Week 2 of Fantasy Football

Eagles Redskins FootballBefore I introduce our special guest reviewer for Week 2 of the 2015 Fantasy Football season, I have an important public service announcement to share.

Behold! An endless sea of Golden Boys. This must be what heaven looks like. But I digress.

My guest fantasy recapper this week is Chip Kelly. I first met Chip Kelly early in 2013 while attending a benefit at Chip Kelly’s house, organized by Chip Kelly, honoring Chip Kelly, with all the proceeds going to Chip Kelly. Chip enjoys talking about himself a lot but according to him, he’s supersmart, incredibly inventive, and never wrong. Anyone brimming with that much confidence is someone I want to call a friend. Take it away, Chip.

Injuries? Big Deal

It’s football. Guys get hurt. I don’t get why people are up in arms over Romo, Brees, Cutler, and Stafford missing games. I turned Mark Sanchez into the franchise record-holder in completion percentage last year. Mark Sanchez! It you have a brilliant mind as I do, losing a starting quarterback is inconsequential.

Odell Beckham Jr? I called that

I told the world Odell Beckham Jr. was the best player in the 2014 Draft. If it wasn’t for that pipsqueak Howie Roseman, I would’ve traded LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, and the rights to Jeff Lurie’s private box to land Beckham. But noooooo, Howie had to take the walking talking railroad tie Marcus Smith. Idiot!

Let the record show

foles-stinksFoles is completing 59.3% of his passes and has lost two fumbles. Maclin has 9 catches for 109 yards with zero touchdowns. LeSean is averaging 65 yards rushing per game and hasn’t scored. It’s obvious I knew what I was doing when I kicked these clowns to the curb. Anyone who disagrees is a hater, plain and simple.

BTW, look who’s still healthy!

A twice-torn ACL? Yawn. When I was perfecting my genius in the early 2000s at football powerhouse New Hampshire, I tore an ACL showing my players how to execute a proper jumping jack. Docs told me I needed surgery, but I called bullshit. Instead, I grabbed my blender, whipped up a kale and guava smoothie, and doused my supposedly crippled knee. Two days later I was running the stairs at Cowell Stadium. Sports science, bitches!

The Ravens Defense deserves negative points

I hear some people are whining because the Ravens D finished with negative fantasy points. Boo-hoo. Do these bellyachers realize Baltimore let the Oakland “LOL” Raiders rack up 37 points and 448 yards? Not only does the Ravens D deserve negative points,  they should be forced to swim the English Channel in January wearing nothing but tighty-whities. I mean, under my tutelage in 2013, Nick Foles tied an NFL record with 7 touchdown passes against Oakland. The same Nick Foles I shrewdly traded away to the Rams for the Mr. Glass of Quarterbacks, Sam Bradford. Do I really need to explain this further?

Let’s talk some more about me

I feel like this recap is straying a bit too far from me and my giant brain. Therefore, allow me to steer this bus down the road that leads back to me. A few years ago while teaching a clinic on how I masterminded the greatest offense in the history of football, a small lad raised his frail little arm and queried me the following: “Chip, how did you get to be so awesome?”

After chiding the boy for not calling me Mr. Kelly, I thought long and hard about how to properly answer a question I’d heard thousands upon thousands of times. Based on his shoddy diction and prehistoric manners, I discerned this dimwitted tyke would amount to nothing in life, but I felt obliged to reward the daft urchin a pearl of wisdom that might shine a glimmer of hope on his sad, pathetic future. I answered thusly:

The only one responsible for my awesomeness is me.

The auditorium became ensconced in contemplative silence. Even though none of the faces in the crowd would dare to dream of reaching my greatness, they were nevertheless in awe of being allowed to breathe the same air that greatness breathes.

[Ed. Note: I’m have no idea what this has to do with football]

LOL Seattle and Indy

What kind of Super Bowl contenders begin the season 0-2? More like “pretenders”, amirite?

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams failed to score above 60 points? If I wasn’t preoccupied dominating the NFL, I’d show these buffoons how to properly build a championship roster. Hint: offensive lines are way overrated.

Rookie RBs FTW

If anyone knows a thing or two about running the football, it’s me. Don’t let the numbers fool ya, my rush offense is the best, not worst, in the league. At any rate, rookie backs David Johnson, Matt Jones, Tevin Coleman, and Jeremy Langford all found the end zone in Week 2. Don’t make me trade for all four, cuz I’ll do it.

 And the Week 2 MVP is…

CHIP  KELLY! I’d like to congratulate myself on the win. In case you were wondering, DeMarco Murray was a distant second.

——————–

Gotta love Chip Kelly. The man is unflappable. I’ll return next week with another special guest recapper.

Internet Troll Reviews Week 1 of Fantasy Football

A brand new shiny football season is upon us. Praise the fossilized bones of 5000-year-old dinosaurs! Gone are those long summer days spent lounging on the porch,  glass of lemonade in hand, pontificating about Mike Trout’s WAR and Jordan Spieth’s disintegrating hairline.

Instead, we now look ahead to 16 maddening  weeks of overreaction and overanalysis about all things pro football. Every dipshit with a keyboard or microphone will be sprouting a stiffy at the prospect of heaping praise and/or guttural criticism on every NFL narrative, no matter how big or small, until a Super Bowl 50 champion is crowned next February.

I am proudly one of those dipshits. However, I can barely keep up with my grueling one-or-two-posts-per-week schedule here at Stud Running Back, so I’ve enlisted help from some of my friends. For the next three months a special guest will be tasked to recap the previous week of fantasy football drama, while I bask in the jet set lifestyle of a part-time football blogger.

Up first is an old buddy of mine, Internet Troll. I first met Internet Troll sometime around 2007 and we’ve been tight ever since. He’s an illogical douchebag with no sense of humor and a nauseating holier than thou attitude, but he means well. Take it away, pal  o’ mine.

LOL Adrian Peterson Owners!

10 carries for 31 yards. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it. When you draft a convicted child abuser and piece of human garbage like Adrian Peterson you get what you deserve. I hope your shitty little fantasy football team drowns in a sewer of rotting rats, which is exactly where Peterson should be right now.

[Ed. Note: Internet Troll can be a tad harsh]

Only Morons Draft Quarterbacks Early

Andrew Luck sucked giant purple dildos. Aaron Rodgers didn’t even throw for 200 yards. Russell Wilson was sacked six times. Peyton Manning looked like a walking corpse. HA-HA! My 5-year-old niece knows taking quarterbacks early is fucking stupid. I got Philip Rivers in the 11th round because I actually have half a brain.

If Chip Kelly Was Such a Genius…

kiko

… He would move linebacker Kiko Alonso to wide receiver.

More like Kentucky Derp Horses

If Kentucky Glue Factory didn’t leave Kendall Wright’s 16.10 points on the bench, they would’ve won. LMAO!! I started Wright and crushed. #smarterthanyou

JUST DIE ALREADY!

Because Fucktard #1 and Fucktard #2 don’t know how to milk a lead with less than two minutes to play, I lost by 2 points to the guy with Jason Witten. I hope Eli Manning is ravaged by a swarm of Japanese giant hornets then catapulted into a lake of battery acid, and Tom Coughlin chokes to death on a bucket of rhinoceros dicks.

[Ed. Note: Can’t say I disagree]

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams scored less than 70 points. I could draft better teams in a coma. NEWWWBBBSSS!!

TOLDJA!

I stole Julio Jones number five overall in my draft. He was the number one ranked player on my board. It was obvious he was going to blow up this season. 141 yards and two touchdowns. Get used to it. I’ll be laughing all the way to a championship, nerds!

Fantasy Football Is For Losers

I can’t believe anyone plays fantasy football. It’s just so pointless. I would rather read a good book or enroll in a pilates class. Fulfilling the mind, body, and spirit is a much more productive way to spend one’s time. Besides, participating in fantasy football supports the NFL — a corrupt institution owned and operated by rich white men who care more about profit margins than the young men sacrificing their health for a minuscule chance at ephemeral glory. As far as I’m concerned, fantasy football is a childish game played by small-minded people.

[Ed. Note: Ouch]

Hell Yeah CUZ FOOTBALL!

Feel Sorry For Me

I drafted Dez Bryant. And TY Hilton. And DeSean Jackson. And Andre Ellington. And Reggie Bush. Why do bad things keep happening to me? I’m such a good person. #lifeishard

———————

Well, that went, uh, okay? Anyway, see ya next week with another special guest recapper.