Chip Kelly Reviews Week 2 of Fantasy Football

Eagles Redskins FootballBefore I introduce our special guest reviewer for Week 2 of the 2015 Fantasy Football season, I have an important public service announcement to share.

Behold! An endless sea of Golden Boys. This must be what heaven looks like. But I digress.

My guest fantasy recapper this week is Chip Kelly. I first met Chip Kelly early in 2013 while attending a benefit at Chip Kelly’s house, organized by Chip Kelly, honoring Chip Kelly, with all the proceeds going to Chip Kelly. Chip enjoys talking about himself a lot but according to him, he’s supersmart, incredibly inventive, and never wrong. Anyone brimming with that much confidence is someone I want to call a friend. Take it away, Chip.

Injuries? Big Deal

It’s football. Guys get hurt. I don’t get why people are up in arms over Romo, Brees, Cutler, and Stafford missing games. I turned Mark Sanchez into the franchise record-holder in completion percentage last year. Mark Sanchez! It you have a brilliant mind as I do, losing a starting quarterback is inconsequential.

Odell Beckham Jr? I called that

I told the world Odell Beckham Jr. was the best player in the 2014 Draft. If it wasn’t for that pipsqueak Howie Roseman, I would’ve traded LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, and the rights to Jeff Lurie’s private box to land Beckham. But noooooo, Howie had to take the walking talking railroad tie Marcus Smith. Idiot!

Let the record show

foles-stinksFoles is completing 59.3% of his passes and has lost two fumbles. Maclin has 9 catches for 109 yards with zero touchdowns. LeSean is averaging 65 yards rushing per game and hasn’t scored. It’s obvious I knew what I was doing when I kicked these clowns to the curb. Anyone who disagrees is a hater, plain and simple.

BTW, look who’s still healthy!

A twice-torn ACL? Yawn. When I was perfecting my genius in the early 2000s at football powerhouse New Hampshire, I tore an ACL showing my players how to execute a proper jumping jack. Docs told me I needed surgery, but I called bullshit. Instead, I grabbed my blender, whipped up a kale and guava smoothie, and doused my supposedly crippled knee. Two days later I was running the stairs at Cowell Stadium. Sports science, bitches!

The Ravens Defense deserves negative points

I hear some people are whining because the Ravens D finished with negative fantasy points. Boo-hoo. Do these bellyachers realize Baltimore let the Oakland “LOL” Raiders rack up 37 points and 448 yards? Not only does the Ravens D deserve negative points,  they should be forced to swim the English Channel in January wearing nothing but tighty-whities. I mean, under my tutelage in 2013, Nick Foles tied an NFL record with 7 touchdown passes against Oakland. The same Nick Foles I shrewdly traded away to the Rams for the Mr. Glass of Quarterbacks, Sam Bradford. Do I really need to explain this further?

Let’s talk some more about me

I feel like this recap is straying a bit too far from me and my giant brain. Therefore, allow me to steer this bus down the road that leads back to me. A few years ago while teaching a clinic on how I masterminded the greatest offense in the history of football, a small lad raised his frail little arm and queried me the following: “Chip, how did you get to be so awesome?”

After chiding the boy for not calling me Mr. Kelly, I thought long and hard about how to properly answer a question I’d heard thousands upon thousands of times. Based on his shoddy diction and prehistoric manners, I discerned this dimwitted tyke would amount to nothing in life, but I felt obliged to reward the daft urchin a pearl of wisdom that might shine a glimmer of hope on his sad, pathetic future. I answered thusly:

The only one responsible for my awesomeness is me.

The auditorium became ensconced in contemplative silence. Even though none of the faces in the crowd would dare to dream of reaching my greatness, they were nevertheless in awe of being allowed to breathe the same air that greatness breathes.

[Ed. Note: I’m have no idea what this has to do with football]

LOL Seattle and Indy

What kind of Super Bowl contenders begin the season 0-2? More like “pretenders”, amirite?

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams failed to score above 60 points? If I wasn’t preoccupied dominating the NFL, I’d show these buffoons how to properly build a championship roster. Hint: offensive lines are way overrated.

Rookie RBs FTW

If anyone knows a thing or two about running the football, it’s me. Don’t let the numbers fool ya, my rush offense is the best, not worst, in the league. At any rate, rookie backs David Johnson, Matt Jones, Tevin Coleman, and Jeremy Langford all found the end zone in Week 2. Don’t make me trade for all four, cuz I’ll do it.

 And the Week 2 MVP is…

CHIP  KELLY! I’d like to congratulate myself on the win. In case you were wondering, DeMarco Murray was a distant second.


Gotta love Chip Kelly. The man is unflappable. I’ll return next week with another special guest recapper.


Chip Kelly’s Offense Works… Sort Of

eaglesThe Michael Vick fantasy quarterback we’ve all come to know and loathe as if on cue opened up his narrow ass cheeks and sprayed diarrhea all over Lincoln Financial Field on Thursday night. When the gaseous fumes cleared, the final numbers told the story: 13/30, 201 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, one fumble. And it could’ve been much, much worse.

Vick stared down receivers, held the ball an eternity, and fired high and wide. In other words, he was his usual erratic, sloppy self, save for a couple of long runs. The same guy who accounted for 33 turnovers in 2011 and 2012. Curse you, deja vu!

To be fair, the offensive line was atrocious. Jason Peters looked like a once dominant tackle on his last legs. Rookie right tackle Lane Johnson was abused by OLB Justin Houston. And center Jason Kelce coined the term “buttsnap,” due in large to a battered thumb.

buttsnapWhen all was said and done, 5 turnovers and 16 lousy points wasn’t enough to salvage a decent performance from a short on talent defense. Gimme a U, gimme a G, gimme a L, gimme a Y! That spells Chip Kelly is a fraud who should be handed a ticket in coach on the first flight back to the Pac-12.

Or not.

Is Kelly’s gimmicky offense really chock-full of schematic holes that can be easily exploited by big bad professional defensive minds? I’m sure all those pigskin traditionalists out there would answer that question with a resounding YES, while they sip from a whiskey tumbler and puff away on haughty cigars.

Opinions are great. So are numbers. Here are stats from three of the most prolific offenses in NFL history through the first three games, and the Eagles’ offense thus far in 2013.

Team Yards Points TO W/L
’99 Rams 1184 100 5 3-0
’07 Pats 1323 114 3 3-0
’11 Saints 1313 104 4 2-1
’13 Eagles 1385 79 7 1-2

The Eagles win on total yards, but lose on points and turnovers. However, they could’ve scored 40-plus against both Washington and San Diego, and might’ve reached 27 versus Kansas City, if not for a pair of scores by opposing defenses, a touchdown negated by a penalty, and all those damn turnovers. A few bounces/calls go their way and they have around 100 points in three games.

Which brings me back to Vick. As long as he, or whomever is under center, continues to treat the ball like Walter White treats Jesse Pinkman, the Eagles will sputter and stall in stretches. That’s not on Kelly. Yardage is there for the taking. Receivers are getting open. Rush lanes are parting.

Kelly has issues with red zone playcalling, clock management, and the NFL rulebook, but it’s not as if he isn’t adjusting to defenses. After LeSean McCoy gashed the Redskins in Week 1, San Diego stacked the box in Week 2. Kelly’s counter was to dial-up the pass, which resulted in a career high 411 yards for Vick. In Week 3, the Chiefs made a concerted effort to take away DeSean Jackson, who entered Thursday as the NFL’s leading receiver. Kelly’s counter was to once again lean on Shady and Vick, who combined to run for 253 yards.

Kansas City is a Top 5 defense that excels at pressuring the quarterback and forcing mistakes. Yet Kelly’s attack still netted 436 yards. If the Birds ever find a way to finish drives with touchdowns instead of field goals, fumbles, and interceptions, they will be tough to stop, no matter the won-loss record.

Philly’s defense is terrible. Their kicker is shaky. And Michael Vick is their quarterback. The playoffs aren’t in their future, but that doesn’t mean Chip Kelly and his “college” offense isn’t succeeding in the NFL.

The End Is Nigh: Week 1 Fantasy Football Recap

week1-headerSky is falling. Doomsday is upon us. Global warming. Syria has nukes. APOCALYPSE NOW!!! Week 1 of the 2013 fantasy football season was, in a word, eye-opening. 63 wide receivers finished with more points than Calvin Johnson. Joique Bell had more points than C.J. Spiller, Marshawn Lynch, MJD, and Stevan Ridley COMBINED. Terrelle Pryor scored more than Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, Cam Newton, RG III, and Matt Stafford.

Uh, shut the hell up…

slapThat’s the bad news. The good news it’s only one stinkin’ week, people. There is no reason to panic. Well, that’s not entirely true, but I’ll get to that later. In the meantime, I will wade through the blood stained detritus and ease worried minds, drop some knowledge, dish out accolades, and warm hearts (plus other regions) with the required gratuitous semi-nudity.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 1 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. The face of losing

schianoskinsfaceeli-faceNothing pleases me more than Eli Face. Excuse me while I watch this for the next 20 minutes.


Wherefore art thou Norv?

11. It’s a running passing league, Part 1

Baltimore Ravens v Denver BroncosTwelve quarterbacks tossed for 300-plus yards in Week 1. Sam Bradford totaled 299, Brandon Weeden 289, Tom Brady 288, Andy Dalton 282. These 16 quarterbacks accounted for 40 passing touchdowns, and that doesn’t include Philip Rivers, who threw 4 on Monday night.

By the way, for all the read-option hullabaloo, remove Pryor’s 112 yards and only Mike Vick ran for more than 50 yards (54).

10. Defense wins nothing

Guess what? Four of the top five scoring defenses/special teams in Week 1 went undrafted: Dallas, Kansas City, Miami, and Buffalo. Meanwhile, the vaunted Seahawks netted a whopping 1 point. Will they and all the other supposed “elite” defenses have big days down the road? Of course, but the bottom line is D/ST scoring is completely random from year to year.

9. This…

fantasy-headerTo balance out the man ass above.

8. Grab some bench

wilsonFollow the bouncing ball. Tom Coughlin plays Andre Brown in pointless fourth preseason game. Andre Brown breaks leg and is short-term IRd. David Wilson is immediately elevated to role of the ball carrier. David Wilson fumbles twice on Sunday Night Football. Tom Coughlin benches Wilson. Coughlin calls Da’Rel Scott’s number. Scott fails to impress and contributes greatly to the Cowboys game-sealing pick-six late in the fourth quarter. Giants sign fatass malcontent Brandon Jacobs. Oh, this is going swimmingly.

Listen, Wilson won’t fade into the ether, but a couple more fumbles and he’s in Carlos Danger of morphing into a laughable afterthought.

Also, Coughlin’s “Get off my lawn you damn kids” little bro Bill Belichick sat Stevan Ridley after he dropped the ball. Fortunately for Ridley owners, Shane Vereen, who amassed 159 yards against the Bills, snapped a wrist bone and will miss the next two months. I mean, Belichick can’t roll with tub o’ lard LeGarrette Blount, can he?

7. It’s a running passing league, Part II

tight-endsSixteen tight ends scored in Week 1. Five found the end zone twice. Dipshit Jared Cook could’ve had three. That is all.

6. Chip Ahoy! of the week


WR Jason Peters.


After one week, LeSean McCoy leads the league in rushing with 184 yards. He was the only back selected in the first five rounds to eclipse the century mark. Let me repeat: THE ONLY BACK IN THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS. The Eagles ran 49 times for 263 yards. Andy Reid called 49 runs exactly ZERO times in 14 seasons. OH, CHIP!

Defenses will adjust, so Shady won’t pile up 180 every Sunday. However, several teams are going to play bingo in their underpants trying to stop Kelly’s relentless ground assault. Even if (when) Vick gets broken in two. More Chip goodness:

“I felt like it was slow, to be honest with you,” Kelly said when asked about the first quarter. “We put the ball on the ground too much, we didn’t get the ball to the officials, we could have sped things up. … That’s something we need to continue to work on.”

53 plays in first half. Most since 1998. Beautiful. Hate the Eagles all you want, but this guy is great for the NFL

/braces for inevitable implosion that will transpire by Week 4.

5. Fish fried

fishDid you draft Mike Wallace or Lamar Miller?

4. Sign of the week

brady-peesIt’s funny because it’s true.

3. Week 1 ballers, yo

New York Giants v Dallas Cowboys

These assholes are faking!

In the past I’ve handled weekly MVPs, well, badly. So, rather than single out guys who had the highest scoring point totals, I’m instead going to heap praise on those who played an integral part in a Gulfman League team securing victory. Peyton, AP, and Victor Cruz were all awesome, but they can suck it!

3. Jason Witten (Steelcats) – Put this dude in the Fantasy Hall of Fame, pronto. All he does is produce. If not for his 19 points on Sunday night, the ‘Cats wouldn’t have squeaked by the Beasts.

2. Demaryius Thomas (Massacres) – Thomas, who was selected ahead of Brandon Marshall and should’ve been selected before Julio Jones, has scored 9 touchdowns in his last 11 regular season starts.

1) Anquan Boldin (Petes) – This guy went in the 8th round. Hoo-boy, were we asleep at the wheel during the draft or what? Skinny could’ve started Steve Smith, but gave Boldin the nod. Rabbit is wise. (Trivia: what movie is that line from? Winner gets a ham sandwich.)

2. It’s a running passing league, Part III

As the proprietor of a site named Stud Running Back, it saddens me that running backs were phased out of so many offensive game plans this past weekend. Sure, there are some much improved front sevens out there like Miami and Carolina, but it appeared to me that a handful of playcallers were purposely shelving runs.

28 wide receivers scored at least 10 points in Week 1. This list includes the likes of Leonard Hankerson, Julian Edelman, Eddie Royal, Jerome Simpson, Jermaine Kearse, and Marlon Brown. Oh, and Josh Morgan, Jeremy Kerley, and Travis Benjamin (among others) outscored Megatron. C’mon!

SRB’s only hope is Chip Kelly. Kelly posits that football is a simple game often complicated by exotic schemes that look pretty but don’t actually put the defense at a disadvantage. Bah, he’s one of those crazy college coaches. What the fuck does he know?

Here’s Chip’s message to the rest of the league after Monday night’s three-ring bonanza.

1. It might be time to panic

There’s oodles and oodles of football left to play in 2013, but I’m a wee bit concerned about the following gents:

Danny Amendola – One game, one groin pull. Annnddd he’s listed at doubtful for Thursday night. I refer you to my post-draft recap.

Jacoby Jones – Already useless, now he has a sprained knee. I refer you to my post-draft recap.

Dez Bryant – Dez was amazing down the stretch in 2012 because he was 100% healthy. Now he has a sprained foot. Plus, the Giants completely shut him down with a safety over the top. Luckily for Dez, there are a bevy of stupid defensive coordinators matriculating the NFL who won’t mimic the G-Men’s strategy and subsequently be humiliated.

C.J. Spiller – Was ineffective and fumbled. Now there are grumblings about losing carries to Fred Jackson. Spiller can still post stats in a shared backfield (and might be better off doing so), but with a rookie QB under center, he will find the sledding difficult.

Doug Martin – This has nothing to do with Martin’s ability and everything to do with Josh Freeman. The Jets actually did something intelligent by stacking the box and daring Freeman to beat them deep. He did on a few occasions, but for the most part he was his awful inaccurate self. Martin and Alfred Morris set the league on fire as rookies in 2012, and defensive coordinators with half a brain noticed. Martin should be okay, but 1500 yards is a pipe dream until Freeman extracts his dome from his rectum.


Kwaheri, bitches. I leave you with this.


A Vikings fan in need of consoling.