The Super Terrific Gulfman League Championship Preview… Or Something

‘Tis the season to share.

And then there were two. Is it just me, or did this fantasy football season rocket by at an exceedingly fast clip? Seems like only yesterday that Lericos was declaring his backfield of David Wilson and Trent Richardson the one to beat.

Good times, good times. Anyway, lots o’ shit went down during the last four months of pigskin paranoia that helped us reach this point. In keeping with the Christmas theme, I present the 12 Days of the 2013 Fantasy Football Season, complete with extra mirth and merry.

On the first day of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

A Peyton Manning scoring spree 

On the second Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Two Megatron sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the third Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Three Brees’ TDs

Two Antonio Brown sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the fourth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

17.7 points from Matt Forte

Three Rivers’ TDs

Two Dez Bryant sixers

and a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the fifth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Five Romo TDs 

11.5 points from Matt Forte 

Three Arizona interceptions

Two Ray Rice sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the sixth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Six DeSean Jackson catches for two TDs

Five St. Louis sacks

11.1 points from Matt Forte

Three Nick Foles’ TDs

Two Vernon Davis sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the seventh Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Seven Seahawks sacks

Six A.J Green catches for 155 yards

Five points from Adrian Peterson (?)

28.9 points from Matt Forte

Three Matt Stafford TDs

Two Vinnie Jackson sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the eighth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

(Thirty) Eight points from Megatron

Seven Jordy Nelson catches for 123 yards

Six Patriots sacks 

Five yards per carry for Zac Stacy 

Four Marvin Jones’ TDs

Three Dan Bailey field goals

Two Frank Gore sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree 

On the ninth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Nine Andre Johnson catches for 229 yards

Eight Keenan Allen catches for 128 yards

Seven Nick Foles’ TDs

Six scores from Riley Cooper and T.Y. Hilton

Five Dolphins sacks 

23.9 points from Matt Forte

Three Russell Wilson TDs

Two Kansas City D/ST sixers

And a Tom Brady scoring spree (Peyton was on a bye)

On the tenth Sunday of the season 

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Ten points from Alex Henery

Nine wide receivers with 17 or more points

Eight catches from Gio Bernard

Seven St. Louis sacks and interceptions 

Six (hundred) yards of Saints offense

Five Andre Johnson catches, two of which were scores

Four Matt Forte points (boooo!!) 

Three Tavon Austin TDs

s

Two Andrew Luck two-point conversions

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the eleventh Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Eleven x 2 = 22 points for the Bengals D/ST

Ten catches for Delanie Walker

Nine for Nick Foles’ jersey number

Eight relevant white wide receivers and tight ends

Seven kickers booting 50-yard field goals

Six quarterbacks throwing for 300 yards

Five for Meagatron’s fifth 20-point game

18.5 Matt Forte points

Three Beast Mode TDs

Two Shady sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the twelfth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

12 kickers with double-digit points

Eleven for Tiquan Underwood and his two TDs

Ten Brandon Marshall catches for 117 yards

Nine points each from the Arizona, St. Louis, and Denver D/ST

Eight Cam Newton carries for 51 yards and a TD

Seven for 77 from Nate Burleson

Six Packers sacks

Five Anquan Boldin catches and two touchdowns

11.7 Matt Forte points

Three Philip Rivers’ TDs

Two Jamaal Charles’ sixers

And Peyton Manning’s worst game of the year

FIN.

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Championship Preview: (1) Assassins vs. (2) Steelcats

CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! Don’t look now, but it’s the New York Division Champs versus the Carolina Division Champs for the 2013 Gulfman League strap. WROWWWW!! (Debbie and Tiffany approve.) The Assassins have racked over 300 points in the last two weeks, thanks in large to Shady’s 217 yards in Week 14 and Jamaal Charles’ five touchdowns in the semifinals. Who will they start under center? Campbell? Cousins? Another scrap heap hero? It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma.

The ‘Cats have been leaning on a plethora of current and ex-Patriots in Brady, Vereen, Ridley, Corey Dillon, and Vinatieri (not positive about Dillon). Megatron is slumping, but he’s overdue to blow up against a shitty Giants D in a must-win game for the Lions. Will gritty, gutty Wes Welker pass his concussion test? Can Mike Wallace put together competent back-to-back outings? Does DeAngelo Williams fade into the ether after his best game in years? Feel the drama, yo. It’s hot. Nay, WHITE HOT!

Matchups favor the Assassins in a big, big way. However, the Steelcats — like a dirty stray — are pesky as hell. To the prediction machine!

Assassins 108, Steelcats 92

Shady shines against the Bears putrid run D. Assassins avenge a Week 8 thrashing.

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Merry Christmas, bitches. I leave you with this.

Heh, heh, I bet she’s naughty.

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The Super-Terrific Happy Playoff Preview

Style points be damned.

And then there were four. After weeks of sweating lineup decisions, overpaying for free agents and reading my brilliant recaps (wink, wink), the 2011 Gulfman League fantasy football season comes down to a pair of semifinals and a championship. Before I put on my fearless forecaster cap and predict this weekend’s winners and losers, let’s take a looksee how each of our Final Four combatants reached this point.

Greenville Hartstoppers (11-3) – Finished with the best record despite losing first-round pick Jamaal Charles to a torn ACL in Week 2. Shrewdly snatched Cam Newton off the scrap heap, then promptly traded him for Fred Jackson to replace the fallen Charles. Was able to make the move because they wisely waited until the 8th round to draft quarterback Matthew Stafford, who finished sixth in total points. Stole Darren Sproles in the 13th round. Overcame injuries to Jeremy Maclin and Jackson.

Lame Excuses (9-5) – Raced out to an 8-1 record after engineering a fantastic draft that included Matt Forte in the 3rd, Jimmy Graham in the 6th, A.J. Green in the 8th, SeaBass in the 11th and Ryan Fitzpatrick in the 14th. If only they hadn’t wasted a fourth-rounder on Peyton Manning’s fused neck. Oh, what could’ve been. Survived injuries to Adrian Peterson and Matt Forte, but face the possibility of having neither fully healthy for the semifinals. Lost the total points title by six.

The Negotiators (8-6) – Started 1-3, but won five of their last six to earn a postseason berth and win the points title. Blew 4th and 5th round picks on Chad Johnson and Mark Ingram respectively, but made up for it by stealing Steve Smith in the 7th and Antonio Brown in the 11th. Dropped Antonio Gates the week before he returned, which was dumb. Drafted Michael Bush in the 9th anticipating the inevitable Darren McSofty injury, which was smart. Owns the hottest and healthiest roster entering the playoffs.

Indiana Obesities (8-6) – Lost five of their last six and finished seventh in total points. Their first seven draft picks were either injured or busts. So, how the hell did they qualify for the postseason? Two words: Cam Newton. The remarkable rookie finished number one in scoring and offset an otherwise mediocre roster. None of their runners and receivers rank in the Top 10. The outlook isn’t great, but all it takes is one or two monster performances to advance.

Behold, playoff predictions!

#1 Hartstoppers vs. #4 Obesities

Can a team win a championship with a starting backfield of Darren Sproles and C.J. Spiller? I sincerely hope not, but we’re about to find out. Both runners face Top 10 run defenses: Spiller draws the third ranked Dolphins who held Shady McCoy to 38 yards on 27 carries last week, while Sproles gets the tenth ranked Vikings. Jeremy Maclin is back, but he could be spending his Sunday visiting Revis Island. The schizophrenic Vinnie Jackson needs to come up large versus a tough Ravens secondary, as does Matt Stafford against a vulnerable Raiders defense.

The Lardasses face some difficult lineup decisions. Do they risk Mendenhall versus a Niners rush defense that yields 70 yards per game and has yet to be scored on? What about Ahmad Bradshaw against the ‘Skins? The human bruise Chris Wells has a beautiful matchup with the Browns 30th ranked run D, but he’s hardly reliable. Stevie Johnson had his worst game of the season last time he played Miami and the resurgent Roddy White draws the stingy Jaguars. Looks like Cam will have to be the man, again.

This has ugly written all over it. Methinks the Texans defense will lay an egg after clinching their first ever division title and Bean Wells will run wild on the Brownies. Number one seed goes down.

Indiana 85.6, Greenville 73.2

#2 Lame Excuses vs. #3 Negotiators

It appears Adrian Peterson will be back for the Lame ones. That’s the good news. The bad news is the Vikings will probably get destroyed by Drew Brees and Co., which could limit AP’s touches. Do they roll with a gimpy Jimmy Graham or a healthy Marques Colston? Can J-Stew find any running room against Houston’s third ranked rush defense? Will Mike Wallace regain he early season form? Can A.J. Green exploit a Rams secondary that has been burned for 19 touchdowns? Here are your answers: Graham, no, no, yes.

The Dealmakers enter the fray piping hot. Aaron Rodgers is, well, Aaron Rodgers and the woeful Chiefs will learn that on Sunday. Arian Foster beats up on bad defenses and the Panthers have one of the worst. Ndamokung Sue returns for the Lions, but I’m not sure he’ll be enough to slow down Michael Bush, who seems to produce no matter what the scoreboard says. Antonio Brown is ballin’, Julio Jones is shreddin’ and footie David Akers hasn’t netted fewer than 9 points since Week 8. In other words, this team is stacked.

Barring a monster AP performance, I can’t envision the Excuses notching a W. They’ll put up a fight, but Aaron and Arian are too much to conquer.

Negotiators 108.3, Excuses 96.7

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Good luck to all involved. Toodles.