Maximum Carnage: Week 7 Fantasy Football Recap

body-bagBrutal. Absolutely brutal. If you escaped this past Sunday’s mass destruction unscathed, consider yourself charmed. In another league, I lost four starters before the day was done. Needless to say, it ended up being a throttling of epic proportions as my fake roster was bent over a pommel horse and buggered repeatedly.

Here’s a rundown of the casualties from the Week 7 fantasy apocalypse:

  • Doug Martin – Torn shoulder labrum. Or maybe not according to the well-oiled machine that is Bucs’ upper management. Piece of advice: 0-6 teams going nowhere with a walking dead head coach shouldn’t risk further damage to their franchise running back. Put Dougie on the shelf.
  • Jay Cutler – Out at least four weeks with a ripped groin. I was reminded of the following childhood limerick as I watched Cutty exit the field with a noticeable limp: When you’re sliding down a rail and your balls hit a nail, that’s a rupture.
  • Reggie Wayne – Torn ACL. Done for the year, and maybe his career. Rehab at age 35 is a bitch. Way to hang your number one receiver out to dry with a shitty throw, Andrew Luck. Blaine Gabbert would at least have the courtesy to throw a pick.
  • Arian Foster – Hoo-boy! Owners were not pleased with this one. Foster’s tender hammy flared up in the first quarter and he spent the remainder of the game in street clothes. That stings.
  • Ben Tate – Foster’s backup has four broken ribs. He says he’s fine. Uhh, okay.
  • Jermichael Finley – Not even joking. He looked dead on the field after a vicious helmet-to-helmet collision. Good news is he’s up and walking, despite a bruised spinal cord. He’d be smart to hang it up for the rest of 2013, if not for good.
  • Sam Bradford – Done for the year with a torn ACL. I blame myself for pointing out how well he was playing in last week’s recap. An already dysfunctional offense just went Cuckoo’s Nest. Unless they sign… drum roll… QUARTERBACK JESUS!!!


  • Nick Foles – After watching Sick Nick misfire horribly for three quarters, one might think he was concussed before the game. No, it happened early in the fourth quarter. The job of saving Eagles football now falls on the brittle shoulders of a USC quarterback, Matt Barkley. Yeah, this will end well.
  • Trent Richardson – Didn’t suffer an official injury, but might as well have. A cinder block on roller skates can average more yards per carry than this lump of shit.

Good grief. Stop the madness, please! When you’re starting guys you didn’t know existed ten days ago, there’s a problem afoot.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 7 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Vontae Davis is the best

Golden Boy is so awesome and dreamy, teams he doesn’t even play are preparing for him.

11. Specter of Shanahanigans returns

If you haven’t dabbled in weekly fantasy leagues, you really should. They are a lotta fun and a great way to make some easy money when you hit. Anyway, I started Alfred Morris in a couple of leagues knowing full well that if the decimated Bears defense can be gashed by tub of guts Brandon Jacobs, a legit stud like Morris would feast. I’m an idiot, because I didn’t take into account Mike Shanahan, who is notorious for futzing with his backfield rotation. Morris finished with 95 yards on 19 carries. Roy Helu finished with 41 yards on 11 carries… WITH THREE TOUCHDOWNS. Fuck you, Mike Shanahan.

10. Let’s pay tribute to the 7-0 Chiefs

alex-smithAlex Smith: The Prestige!

This GIF has nothing to do with Jamaal Charles being the quintessential Stud Running Back. Look closely at the world’s greatest neckbeard in the background. It’s a glorious portrait of modern-day lycanthropy.

reidWhen Kansas City wins the Super Bowl 5-3 over Seattle, I will use all the resources at my disposal to cast Andy Reid on Dancing With the Stars.

9. This…


8. Twitter loves Jay Cutler


Oh, Cutty haters on Twitter. You complete me.

7. Justin Blackmon: Enemy of stadium security

blackmonThis is mesmerizing. I love how he stands over the poor schlub after trucking him as if to say, “Don’t be gettin’ in my way, bitch.”

6. Better recognize

Your boy Calvin is back! Doing what he does best. Humiliating professional defensive backs with his feats of athletic superiority. That’s TRIPLE COVERAGE by the Bengals. Megatron don’t care. 9 catches, 155 yards, 2 TDs. Deal with it. And I get to face him in Week 8. Yay me!

5. Take cover

Starting Trent Richardson didn’t cost the Talkers a W, but it sure as hell could have. How do I put this? Richardson is basically a drunken circus clown masquerading as an NFL running back. He’s a slow, injury-prone fumbler who isn’t worth a 5th round draft pick, let alone the first-round pick Cleveland duped out of Indy.

He’s only slightly better than Mark Ingram and deserves to be benched or dropped in all formats. I have no idea why so-called fantasy “experts” talked this cloud of dirt up all summer. He’s eclipsed 60 yards rushing SEVEN times in 22 career games. Jamaal Charles has done that six times already this season.

Cecil Shorts is average at best, but he was a safer bet to do damage against the horrendous Chargers secondary than Kenbrell Thompkins against the Jets. Balls dropped the ball.

4. When worlds collide

The undefeated Assassins are taking everyone’s best shot. This week the surging Steelcats, winners of three in a row and leaders of the New York Division, will strap into their Proton Packs and get medieval all over the league leaders in points. Leading the assault is the deadly receiving duo of Wes Welker and Calvin Johnson, who draw the dreadful Redskins and enigmatic Cowboys, respectively. The Assassins will continue to lean on Charles and McCoy, as well as a voracious Chiefs defense facing the always generous Brandon Weeden Jason Campbell.

This one could get nasty. It’s a couple of Gulfman League vets going toe to toe in the squared circle. An age-old rivalry dating all the way back to 1998, when Y2K hysteria was heating up, Will Smith was “Gettin’ Jiggy With It,” and Bill Clinton was receiving blowies from tubby interns inside the oval office. Ahh, those were the days. I digress.

Jason Witten goes off and Steel City springs the upset. /NOOOOOO!!!!

3. Week 7 ballers, yo

Fred Jackson (Massacres) – Because C.J. Spiller has the durability of a light bulb, Jackson has once again taken the reins in Buffalo. His 14.5 points were key to the Massacres securing a victory.

Jacquizz Rodgers/Harry Douglas (Excuses) – They might be unheralded, but these fill-in Falcons combined for 39.1 points against Tampa. The win keeps the bottom-feeding Lame ones alive in the NY Division.

Eddie Lacy (Negotiators) – Finally, an Alabama running back who can actually play. Lacy has been punishing defenders for the last three weeks, and the schedule is about to get very enticing (Vikings, Bears, Eagles, Giants).

2. Then and now

Welcome to the buffet, we’ve got buns and wings!

2013 has seen several players reach new heights of awesomeness. Such as:

  • Philip Rivers is completing 73.9% of his throws. The highest percentage he’s ever reached is 66% in 2010.
  • Jamaal Charles has 8 touchdowns in seven games. That’s two more than he had in all of 2012 and the same number as 2009 and 2010. Who says Andy Reid doesn’t know how to use running backs as dual-threat weapons? Not Brian Westbrook.
  • Matt Forte has 6 touchdowns in seven games. That’s the same total as 2012 and one more than 2011. Marc Trestman’s CFL knowledge is Zen-like.
  • Danny Woodhead has 86 touches in seven games. He had 116 in 2012. Mike McCoy knows a useful tool when he sees one. Woodhead looks like the kid in shop class who always had cigarettes and was a master at crafting wall sconces.

  • Eric Decker has 624 yards receiving in seven games. He had 1064 yards in 16 games last year.
  • Antonio Brown has 47 catches in six games. He had 66 in 2012 and 69 in 2011.
  • Last year around this time, Julius Thomas was sitting on his couch playing ColecoVision. Now he’s averaging a touchdown every five catches. It should be mandated by Führer Goodell that every starting tight end be a former college basketball player.

1. Moronic Coaching 101

Forget fantasy for the briefest of moments (even though the following diatribe certainly pertains to the subject). If you watched the Monday Night debacle between the Vikings and Giants you were unfortunate enough to witness one of the truly terrible coaching jobs in recent memory. Leslie Frazier, who won’t be manning the Minnesota sidelines in 2014, decided the best way to beat the 0-6 Giants and their 31st ranked defense was to have Josh Freeman throw the ball 53 times.

The same Josh Freeman who was jettisoned from the horrid Bucs on October 3rd and signed four days later by the equally atrocious Vikings. The same Josh Freeman with a 45.7% completion percentage. The same Josh Freeman who had one quality season back in 2010. Obviously the Vikings know a thing or two about bust franchise quarterbacks since they had two on their roster prior to adding Freeman. Why not toss the new kid into the fire that is Monday Night Football? He can’t be that bad, right?

Wrong. He’s worse. Sure the Giants were crowding the box to ensure Adrian Peterson had little room to maneuver. But all it takes is a sliver of an opening for the best running back in football to take it the distance. It was a ten-point game entering the fourth quarter and yet Peterson was handed the ball 13 times. 13 TIMES to the guy who ran for, what was it? Oh yeah, 2097 yards in 2012. Frazier pretty much put wagon wheels on a Formula 1 car. I mean, fresh from the scrap heap Peyton Hillis ran for more yards than AP. That’s inexcusable and embarrassing. 

Congratulations, Leslie Frazier. You sir have no business calling yourself an NFL head coach. You sir have cemented your future firing, either in the coming weeks or after the 3-13 season is mercifully over. You sir will be coaching the Jaguars secondary in 2014. You sir forgot that football is a simple game made exceedingly complex by guys who think they are smarter than everyone else.


Ma’a Salama, bitches. I leave you with this. 


Excellent logo placement.