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Michael Bay Reviews Week 3 of Fantasy Football

Before I introduce this week’s guest recapper, I feel compelled to type a few words about this pile of horseshit that Pro Football Focus masks as analysis.  Normally I wouldn’t call attention to such blatant clickbait, but it really does deserve a read, if for no other reason than to open your eyes to the ridiculous drivel Pro Football Focus refers to as “advanced stats”.

In a nutshell, Aaron Rodgers’ 24-35/333 yards/5 touchdown effort against the Chiefs on Monday Night Football was “graded” as average to below average by the P.T. Barnum algorithms and formulas PFF claims are a more accurate method to critique a player’s performance. The article is equal parts head-scratching and LOL funny. But the last paragraph is worth dissecting.

The greatness of Rodgers’ performance last night was in the intangibles. Recognizing the blitz, drawing the defense offsides, catching the Chiefs in bad situations and exploiting those scenarios with simple passes to open receivers. But you cannot — and we do not try to — quantify intangibles, or what comes pre-snap. Our system grades what can be graded — the execution of the play post-snap — and in that regard Rodgers did not stand out in the same way that his statistics did.

So, because Rodgers actually did the things he gets paid handsomely to do, he is covered in red ink? Ya know, things like diagnosing the blitz, reading the defense, drawing penalties, converting “simple” throws into touchdowns, and generally running the offense the way  it’s supposed to be run. Ya know, the kind of things guys like Eli Manning, Cam Newton, Sam Bradford, Andy Dalton, Jay Cutler, Colin Kaepernick, Andrew Luck (yeah, him too), and countless other quarterbacks struggle with every single Sunday.

The writer made a point of saying he and his brethren didn’t think Rodgers played a poor game, but that’s like spending ten minutes trashing a girl’s physical appearance, then tacking on the disclaimer, “I’d still bang her, though.”

Sure, Rodgers has been better than he was on Monday night, and yeah, he tossed a couple of errant passes. But slapping him with a negative grade because a ball “should’ve” been intercepted is much sillier than all us philistines believing a 5-touchdown game is, ya know, pretty fucking awesome.

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My guest recapper this week is iconic movie director Michael Bay. I met Michael a few years ago in the Hollywood Hills where I was totally not hiding in the trees snapping pictures of Megan Fox with a telephoto lens. Bay gave me a lift downtown and we hit if off. He used a bunch of the notes I offered on Transformers: Age of Extinction, so he’s obviously a sharp dude. Take it away, Mike (only I call him Mike).

Bad Boys

bad-boysFantasy owners who started Jamaal Charles and Randall Cobb were treated to six, count ’em six, touchdowns on Monday night. They tore shit up, which is exactly what Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are gonna do in Bad Boys III and Bad Boys IV, if I decide to lend my talent to the projects. However, I’m seriously considering kicking major ass on Broadway with a stage rendition of Transformers.

The Rock

Like my massive blockbuster of the same name, Julio Jones has been an unstoppable force. 34 catches for 440 yards and four touchdowns in three games, and he isn’t even 100%. If Julio keeps it up, he’s definitely getting an invite to my next exclusive yacht party, “Ballers Only.”

Armageddon

I’m a big fan of high body counts in my movies, so the widespread injuries inflicted throughout the league bring a smile to my face. The more shredded ligaments and shattered limbs, the better. All this season needs is a slow-motion pan of the of all the players on IR standing in front of an American flag with some lens flare throw in for effect. That’s not just epic. That’s Michael Bay EPIC!

Pearl Harbor

Just like the Japs did in WW II, the Arizona Cardinals have launched a textbook sneak attack of mass destruction. They’ve outscored their first three opponents 126-49. No team has scored more, and only the Jets have allowed fewer points. Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald are dropping some serious bombs. I’m not talking box office bombs, either. I wouldn’t know what one of those is, cuz I’m rich, bitch!

Bad Boys II

The Panthers’ dynamic duo of Cam Newton and Greg Olsen combined for 482 yards and five touchdowns against the awful Saints. I enjoy crushing at DFS and the stack of Newton-Olsen helped score me $200 this past weekend. If I tipped, that would make great tip money. Instead, I’ll probably use it to light my Cuban cigars.

The Island

matthewsJordan Matthews has 22 catches for 231 yards and one touchdown. He is the only non running back to score a touchdown for the Eagles. The rest of the team’s wide receivers have a total of 13 receptions for 122 yards. Matthews reminds me of myself. On my movie sets, I’m constantly yelling at people to work harder and be smarter. I tell ya, being an artistic master can be lonely sometimes.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Tom Brady’s season-long middle finger to the NFL is off to a rousing start. 1112 yards and 9 touchdowns in three games? That’s Bay-like success. His recent troubles with the league office Reminds me of my longstanding relationship with douchebag film critics. Pencil-necked fuckers love to cast aspersions on my movies, but the billions of dollars grossed at the box office speaks for itself. Tom Brady owns. Not on the same level as I own, but he owns nonetheless.

Pain and Gain

Da Raiders have gone through a decade of all-around futility. Botched draft picks, piss-poor coaching hires, and idiotic free agent signings turned them into the most embarrassing NFL franchise by a wide margin. But, the trio of Derek Carr, Latavius Murray, and Amari Cooper are bringing back prestige to the Silver and Black. Even Vegas is taking notice, because  Oakland is favored by 3 points in Week 4 ON THE ROAD. I used to direct shitty music videos before I became one of the most respected and lauded auteurs in the history of film, so I know pain.

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Thanks Mike. What a great guy. Can’t wait to see Transformers 5. I’ll be back next week with another guest recapper.

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