Tom Brady is free! Tom Brady is free! Tom Brady is free! Hallelujah! The prospect of not having Golden Boy on the field for four long weeks was frightening, nay, horrifying. There is no way I could realistically fulfill my duties as a sarcastic football blogger with the NFL’s matinee idol suspended. Thanks to Judge Richard M. Berman, I won’t have to. I’m of the belief that this landmark court decision should make Judge Berman eligible for induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, or at the very least canonized for sainthood.
Hey, guys! Did anything of note happen in the NFL during the last ten days? Good grief. Keeping track of Roger Goodell’s lies, half-truths, and denials can’t be easy. I picture the league’s PR department resembling Wall Street brokerage houses during October of 1929. I mean, when a bastion of public safety like Anheuser-Busch raises an eyebrow, you know the doo-doo is deep.
Don’t fret, though. Rog is taking it all in stride like a good little Senator’s son.
As for Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson. Well, both could be finished just two years after the former hoisted Lombardi and the latter bested Peyton Manning for MVP. That’s all I have to say about that.
In other non beat your wife/kid news, a fucking category 5 sharknado wreaked havoc on fields and stadiums in Week 2. We get a week like this every season, but the 2014 chapter is particularly horrific. To the triage unit!
- RG III – Dislocated ankle – Probably done for the year, and in D.C.
- A.J. Green – Some sort of toe/foot thing – Wouldn’t expect him back until Week 5
- Jamaal Charles – High ankle sprain – Uncertain timetable (Chiefs blow anyway)
- Vernon Davis – Ankle – Unknown
- Carson Palmer – Shoulder nerve – Might as well retire
- Ryan Mathews – Knee sprain – What else is new?
- Knowshon Moreno – Dislocated elbow – 4-8 weeks
- Mark Ingram – Busted hand – At least a month
- DeSean Jackson – Sprained AC joint – Day-to-day
- Eric Decker – Hammy – Questionable
- Tavon Austin – Knee – He’s a Rams WR. No one cares
- Alan Hurns – Knee – Exhibit Q why you never bid on a Week 1 hero
- Marcedes Lewis – High ankle sprain – IR Designated to Return
- Josh Gordon – Idiot – Still suspended
Did I miss anyone? Probably, but you get the point. It’s cold out there, folks. Time to put some mustard on this sardine sandwich.
Best. Trade. Ever
A 5th rounder. Really?
Bill Belichick: Pimp
That there is smart drafting
If you draft a stud runner like Jamaal Charles, who has a clear-cut competent backup, you must handcuff him. This is one of the ten commandments of fantasy football. Even if the dude rides the bench for 14 weeks, you get him and plant him there. You don’t cut him. Ever. The Monkeys were shrewd to land Knile Davis in the 10th round, thus avoiding one of those absurd bidding wars, and in turn salvaging the pursuit of fake glory.
Leave it to the Jets
Lost in all the Marty Mornhinweg timeout kerfuffle is the fact that the stupid linesman permitted a player on the sideline to call a timeout. It’s bad enough these assholes don’t know what’s holding and what isn’t. Is it too much to ask that they get the basic shit right? Oh, and the Jets are a runaway clown car careening off a cliff into an ocean of fire. And drowning in said ocean of fire are…
I often wonder why the Raiders are still allowed to participate in the NFL. Words like dysfunctional and inept don’t adequately describe their plight. The players voted them the least appealing franchise to play for. Would-be Hall of Famer Charles Woodson admitted “They suck.” Let’s just move them to Los Angeles, call them the Fame Whores, and be done with it.
- Terrance West and Bobby Rainey have more rushing yards than LeSean McCoy, Matt Forte, Marshawn Lynch, and Frank Gore.
- Jay Cutler has more passing yards, touchdowns, and a higher completion percentage than Drew Brees.
- Jimmy Graham, Julius Thomas, Martellus Bennett, and Antonio Gates have scored 11 combined touchdowns. Calvin Johnson, Dez Bryant, Demaryius Thomas, and A.J. Green have scored 5 combined touchdowns.
- Among starting quarterbacks, only Chad Henne has a worst completion percentage than Tom Brady (NOOOOO!!!).
- Eddie Lacy is averaging 3.1 yards per carry. Trent Richardson is averaging 3.7 yards per carry.
More Darren Sproles
Set to Super Mario Bros. music.
Week 2 Golden Nutsack Award – Skinny Petes
First the Petes drafted Darren Sproles, which was brilliant. Then they started him in Week 2, which was resplendent. I have a good feeling about Teddy Bridgewater in Week 3. Let’s see if ol’ Skinny takes the bait.
Prerequisite Eye Candy
Week 3 Fearless Forecasting
Okay, I wet the bed in Week 2. Nate Washington? I should be stuffed into an Iron Maiden for trusting Jake Locker to be anything but woefully inefficient. Redemption time. The envelope, please:
Khiry Robinson: 103 yards, 1 TD
No Mark Ingram. Cleveland’s 25th ranked rush defense. Saints at home. Blowout city with Robinson racking up 4th quarter carries. Book it.
Stud Running Back will return…