Tom Brady is free! Tom Brady is free! Tom Brady is free! Hallelujah! The prospect of not having Golden Boy on the field for four long weeks was frightening, nay, horrifying. There is no way I could realistically fulfill my duties as a sarcastic football blogger with the NFL’s matinee idol suspended. Thanks to Judge Richard M. Berman, I won’t have to. I’m of the belief that this landmark court decision should make Judge Berman eligible for induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, or at the very least canonized for sainthood.
Dateline: September 29, 2014. A day that will live in infamy. The day that Tom Brady died. Well, figuratively speaking anyway. I mean, Tom Brady is still very much alive. The luscious head of hair. The grizzled, yet well-manicured beard. The million-dollar smile. The dreamboat eyes. It’s all good (thank the heavens).
What isn’t good is Brady’s quarterbacking career. At 37, Golden Boy is quickly losing his luster. The trigger man for one of the league’s most consistently dominant offenses for over a decade is mired in a horrific funk. Going back to Week 16 of last season, Brady hasn’t thrown for more than one touchdown in a game. He’s eclipsed 250 yards just once He’s been sacked 16 times.
Blame a shitty offensive line. Blame the slowest set of wide receivers in the league. Blame Gronk’s erector set body. Blame Aaron Hernandez’s stunning lack of criminal acumen. Blame Bill Belichick’s ego run amok. Blame the Uggs. All shoulder a portion of the responsibility, but the majority falls on Brady. Simply put, he’s playing like ass. Check out this humdinger of a throw from Monday night:
Yikes. And this one:
Good lord. When did the Pats sign Blaine Gabbert? Are we seeing the end of an era? Is Mr. Bundchen gearing up for years of holding Gisele’s purse? How can we as a society function properly if poor Tom fails to rebound? I shudder to think.
Say a prayer. Plant a tree. Go on a walkabout. Sacrifice a chicken. Whatever it takes to save
my our beloved Golden Boy. Because a life without Tom Brady excelling at football is a life not worth living.
On to the Week 4 recap!
We should’ve known
I think Peyton encapsulates the feelings of all those dumb enough to own Donald Brown. This pile of rotting rat guts gained 19 yards on 10 carries against the putrid Jaguars defense. You know you’re a useless bag of dicks when you make fans pine for Ryan Mathews to return.
At least someone tried on Sunday
Surprise, surprise. It’s J-Mac making that Jekyll-Hyde lummox Nick Foles look good. Maclin was the only Eagles’ offensive player to do jack squat against the Niners. Funny how playing on a “show me” one-year deal brings out the best in guys.
Eddie Royal: Fantasy Troll Part II
Eddie Royal is persistent. Just when I drop knowledge that he hasn’t topped 100 yards since 2010, the little bastard not only hangs 105 on Jacksonville, but he finds the end zone two more times. Bid on him if you must. Just don’t expect him to score again until Week 9.
A coach has been fired!
Of course it was Dennis Allen. Now we can wind the clock on Gus Bradley, who just might disappear without a trace between now and Sunday and be replaced by this jocular interim head coach:
It’s okay if Tim Tebow does it
First of all, that doesn’t even look like a prayer from Husain Abdullah. Looks like a bro having a moment after pick-sixing Brady. Regardless, he was penalized for this egregious sign of, uh, disrespect? The NFL is run by dipshits, plain and simple.
- Nick Foles has attempted 39 deep passes (20+ yards) through four games. The 2013 leader was Joe Flacco with 88. Foles is on pace to chuck 156.
- Derek Carr, Geno Smith, Josh McCown, and the recently benched E.J. Manuel all have a better completion percentage than Nick Foles’ 57.8%.
- DeMarco Murray is on pace to run for 2136 yards. LeSean McCoy is on pace to run for 768 yards.
- Giovani Bernard is averaging 3.4 yards per carry. Jeremy Hill is averaging 5.1 yards per carry.
- 16 of Jeremy Maclin’s 20 catches have gone for first downs. 13 of Dez Bryant’s 23 catches have gone for first downs.
- Michael Crabtree is averaging 9.6 yards per reception. Brandin Cooks is averaging 8.7 yards per reception. Devin Hester is averaging 16.3 yards per reception.
Not that we needed proof, but…
Eagles fans like myself know all too well that Michael Haddix was the hunk of granite selected 8th overall in the 1983 draft. He was garbage for sure, but T-Rich wins the prize after being taken 3rd overall. Lest we forget, the Colts gift-wrapped a first-round pick to Cleveland to acquire his services. Too funny.
Week 4 Golden Nutsack Award – Character Assassins
I’m cupping the balls because I’m fairly certain I won’t have a more productive week the rest of the way. Matt ‘The Ass Man’ Asiata racked 28 fantasy points for Pete’s sake. Phil Rivers went for 27.8. Antonio Brown had his second multi-touchdown game. Yeah, it won’t get better than that for the Assassins.
Prerequisite Eye Candy
For fans of the ladies.
For fans of the beefcake.
Week 5 Fearless Forecasting
Called my shot and Golden Tate came through with 116 yards on 8 grabs. Time for two in a row. The envelope, please:
Doug Baldwin: 96 yards, 1 TD
Ebola is less sickening than the Redskins secondary. Dougie B goes off.
Stud Running Back will return…