Week 6 Fantasy Recap: The Myth of Offensive Weapons

week6-headerThere’s a trend circumventing the NFL that’s been bothering me for the last couple of years. It’s not the endless rule changes. Or the ridiculous fines levied for wearing a certain type of headphones. Or the complete lack of competent leadership at the top. Or the fact that Blaine Gabbert is still allowed to wear a uniform. Or the Violet Beauregarde-sized casts on pregame shows.

All that shit ruffles my feathers to a certain degree. But what really sticks in my craw is the laughable notion that overrated jackasses like Percy Harvin have been anointed “offensive weapons.” To be a weapon suggests he makes eye-popping plays on a regular basis, and scores touchdowns, and is difficult to contain. Percy Harvin is and does none of that.

In five games, Harvin has 22 catches for 133 yards. That’s a whopping 6 yards per reception. Fantastic if he was a running back, but he’s not. He’s a, ahem, wide receiver. Averaging 6 yards per catch. 6. But he runs too! Oh yeah, I forgot. 11 carries for 92 yards and his lone touchdown, which should have been called back if NFL officials weren’t a collection of farsighted dipshits:

harvin-sucksMake the correct call and this fearsome offensive weapon of awesomeness has 33 total touches for 203 yards and zero touchdowns in five games. Harvin supporters will point to last Monday night’s ‘three touchdowns negated to penalty’ as proof he’s a wonder of wizardry. Against the Redskins’ diarrhea-filled diaper of a secondary? Nice try. Peter Dinklage could beat those safeties on a post route.

How did this superhuman highlight machine do versus Dallas last Sunday? 6 touches for -1 yard.


Harvin isn’t alone in his superior set of scintillating skills. Padawan learners Cordarrelle Patterson and Tavon Austin are following his lead by doing absolutely nothing for the Vikings and Rams, respectively. Patterson’s only touchdown came in Week 1 on a flukey 67-yard run. Since then he’s done jack squat. Austin has 17 touches for 144 yards and zero touchdowns.

cricketsNone of this terrific trio is worth starting, or even owning if I’m being completely honest. The likes of Travis Benjamin, Louis Murphy, Miles Austin, Allen Robinson, and Robert Woods have more fantasy points than Austin and Harvin.

If you can’t grasp an NFL route tree, you can’t play wide receiver in the NFL. Line them up in the backfield, stick them in the slot, dial up a jet sweep, call an antiquated double-reverse, blah blah blah. By resorting to gadgetry, offensive coaches are admitting these players just aren’t good enough to do what actual wide receivers do every single week.

Percy Harvin and his ilk aren’t offensive weapons. They’re offensive liabilities. Let’s stop pretending otherwise.

On to the Week 6 recap!

What a real offensive weapon looks like

Antone Smith: 23 touches, 346 yards, 5 TDs

Return of Eli Face

Not his best effort. Time to dig up a classic:

That’s much better. Again, two Super Bowls. I’m at a loss…

Fire up the guillotine

Cheer up Falcons fans. Mike Smith is not long for his gig. He might not even last the season. And he shouldn’t. Smith has a defensive background, but you wouldn’t know it by watching his clown car unit on Sundays. They rank 31st in total defense — only the garbage scow Bucs are worse. This comes a year after ranking 27th overall and making zero effort to add legit talent. Even more egregious than his horrific defense is his insane running back rotation, which features four fucking guys! Only one of those guys is any good, and he’s received the fewest carries among the four. Huh? Just fire this shitbird already.

Guess who’s back?

cam-14Because the Panthers’ backfield resembles the Colonial Marines in Aliens, Cam Newton is once again leading the ground assault in Carolina. He shredded the Bengals on 17 carries for 107 yards and a touchdown, which was better than all but five running backs in Week 6. Speaking of the Bengals…

Don’t go changin’ Cincinnati

Derp. To quote Pacman Jones: “Do your job.” Footies are the worst.

WTF Stats


  • Ahmad Bradshaw, Justin Forsett, Lamar Miller, and Antone Smith are all ranked in the Top 10 in running back points through six games. Higher than LeSean McCoy, Eddie Lacy, Alfred Morris, and Frank Gore.
  • DeMarco Murray has 159 carries. The next closest back is McCoy with 117.
  • Andrew Luck and Philip Rivers have combined for 32 touchdowns. Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford have combined for 17 touchdowns.
  • Matthew Stafford has been sacked 21 times on 212 dropbacks, That’s roughly one sack per 10 attempts. Drew Brees has been sacked 4 times on 218 dropbacks. That’s roughly one sack per 54 attempts.
  • Keenan Allen has 28 catches for 296 yards. Matt Forte has 46 catches for 376 yards.
  • Larry Donnell has one catch for 6 yards in his last two games. Clay Harbor has six catches for 113 yards and a touchdown in his last two games.

The Cowboys are good


Week 6 Golden Nutsack Award – Chester Copperpots

nutsack2For finally winning a game, the Pots get to cradle the Nutsack in Week 6. It was far from pretty, but Shady’s best outing of the season coupled with recent acquisition Alshon Jeffery’s 13.6 points was enough to bring home a .7-point victory. If Zac Stacy, Keenan Allen, and Nick Foles surgically remove their heads from their rectums, the Pots could make a run.

Prerequisite Eye Candy

week6-candyFor fans of the ladies.

For fans of the beefcake.

Fearless Forecasting for Week 7


Hoo-boy. My prognosticating skills need an enema. Walgreens, here I come. The envelope, please:

James Starks 60 yards, 1 TD

The Panthers are yielding 157 yards per game. Starks and Lacy both have big days.


Sud Running Back will return…


The Trigger Effect: Week 6 Fantasy Football Recap

triggerIt happened almost exactly one year ago. A still feeling his way back from reconstructive knee surgery Adrian Peterson ran roughshod over the Arizona Cardinals to the tune of 153 yards. What transpired in the following weeks was one of the greatest displays of domination ever by an NFL running back.

Seven consecutive 100-yard games and eight of nine overall amassed 1445 yards. When the proverbial smoke cleared, Peterson was 9 yards shy of the single-season rushing record held by Eric Dickerson. A mere nine months removed from suffering a shredded ACL and MCL, the man known as “All Day” made countless naysayers (myself included) look like ass eating dipshits.

What occurred on that October Sunday in the Metrodome to catapult a pedestrian season into the stuff of legend? Why did it suddenly click? Is there a reasonable medical explanation? Did A-Rod slip Peterson some magic juice? Nobody really knows, not even Adrian. It’s just one of those sports things.

Every fantasy football season is chock-full of vexing conundrums and unsolved mysteries that drive even the most crafty of owners bonkers. Take 2013 for instance.

Who knew Peyton Manning would throw for 7 touchdowns on opening night to trigger a potentially record-setting offense? Who knew six sacks and a pick-six versus Jacksonville on the first Sunday would trigger a punishing Chiefs defense? Who knew the Lions offense would trigger a Reggie Bush revolution? Who knew the opening half of the Chip Kelly era would trigger career seasons for both LeSean McCoy and DeSean Jackson?


Listen, we all volunteer to board the insane train every September, fully aware that the next 16 weeks will be frustrating, maddening, laughable, and at times just downright stupid. But it’s also a whole lotta fun. Remember that the next time Jimmy Graham and those of his ilk drop a liquid deuce all over your fake roster.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 6 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Triage barrage

cobbAn injury bug the size of Gregor Samsa descended upon fields and stadiums this past weekend, leaving a swath of broken bodies in its wake. Yay broken bones and strained ligaments!

  • Randall Cobb – Out 6-8 weeks with a busted fibula.
  • Jimmy Graham – MRI on his foot. On a bye. Should be okay for Week 8.
  • James Jones – PCL sprain. Is considered “mild.” However, ex-Colt Anthony Gonzalez missed half a season a few years back with a similar ailment.
  • DeMarco Murray – Finally! Took you long enough Mr. Unreliable.
  • Cecil Shorts – Doesn’t Cecil Shorts sound like the name of a character in a Coen Bros. movie? Anyway, he has a bad shoulder.
  • David Wilson – Won’t need neck surgery. Still sucks.
  • Danny Amendola – Concussed. That makes two injuries in six weeks. Impressive even for him.
  • Matt Schaub – Got his ankle mangled. Was booed by Texans “fans.” Next stop, Jacksonville.

11. Tom Brady is better than you

tom-brady-sweaterAlright, Golden Boy is just trolling us all at this point. Dude fires his 178th (thereabouts)  game-winning last-second touchdown and then dons a sweater that wheelchair-confined  grandmothers in overflowing adult diapers wouldn’t be caught dead in sprawled across the nursing home floor. I’m a paisley ascot away from my hatred for Brady morphing into undying respect, and this saddens me greatly.

10. Rob Ryan Face wins the week

rob-ryanSee what you did to poor Rob Ryan, Golden Boy? You shattered his dreams with your late game heroics. Now he’s a shadow of his overrated self. What do you mean a soft Cover 4 zone isn’t the way to stop Tom Brady? That’s crazy talk.

9. This…

slapIs that a Yamaha YZ250F?

8. Fantasy vs. reality

Wanna know how little the quarterback position means in fantasy leagues that reward only three (didn’t it used to be four?) points for passing touchdowns and don’t penalize for picks? That guy up there is ranked 11th in scoring. Yeah, Sam Bradford. Doesn’t exactly conjure images of Montana or Unitas. That said, ol’ Sammy has tossed 13 touchdowns to only three interceptions and has accumulated more points than Tom Brady, Colin Kaepernick, and Big Ben (the quarterback, not the clock tower). Oh sure, having Peyton or Brees would be super terrific, but you can survive with guys like Thad Lewis, Mike Glennon, and Nick Foles if necessary (see Week 6 leaders for proof).

7. 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 (Wes Welker)


Nobody leaves Tom Brady hanging!

The Patriots just beat the previously unblemished Saints to move to 5-1. All is well in the land of chowder. Right? Maybe not. The offense ranks 22nd in scoring, which is subpar in the age of air superiority. The three gents pegged to “replace” Wes Welker — Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, and Austin Collie — have combined to catch 59 balls for 594 yards and two touchdowns. On the surface, not terrible. Especially if you ignore Amendola’s encyclopedia-sized medical history and the fact that Collie is one headshot away from forced retirement. Hey, what’s that Welker guy up to? Not much, just leading the league with eight touchdowns. Bah, who needs that kind of production? After all, Gronk is coming back, umm, is it this week? Next week? 2014? Anyone? 

6. Stud’s stat sheet

  • Jay Cutler has topped 260 yards four times in six starts. He topped 260 yards three times in all of 2012.
  • Eli Manning and Carson Palmer have combined to throw 26 interceptions. Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor have combined to throw 15 interceptions.
  • Knowshon Moreno has scored seven times in six games. He scored five times in 2011 and 2012.
  • LeSean McCoy has 630 yards rushing in six starts. He had 840 yards rushing in 12 starts a season ago.
  • Justin Blackmon and Keenan Allen have totaled 34 receptions for 548 yards and three scores in the last two weeks. Victor Cruz and Andre Johnson have totaled 19 receptions for 243 yards and zero scores in the last two weeks.
  • Joseph Fauria and Lance Kendricks have eight touchdowns on 23 catches. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen have three touchdowns on 59 catches.

5. Take cover

Congratulations, Gulfman Legaue owners! No one made an egregious lineup error that cost them a would-be win. HOO-RAY! I could’ve been a prick and chastised the WTalkers for sitting Michael Floyd, or the Balls for rolling with Cecil Shorts rather than Kenbrell Thompkins, but that would asinine. Keep up the quality decision-making. Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy this segment (as much as I should).

4. Unstoppable force meets immovable object

hulk-supeFitting that the halfway point of the 2013 fantasy season features the much anticipated faceoff between the Gulfman League’s two highest-scoring teams: 6-0 Assassins at 4-2 Talkers. Oooooh this one should be a doozy!

Vick fill-in Nick Foles lit up the Bucs in Week 6 and has another tasty matchup against a depleted Dallas defense Sunday at the Linc. Dez Bryant will assuredly eviscerate the Eagles creampuff secondary, but Arian Foster draws a stout Chiefs D, and the venerable Jimmy Graham is on a bye.

The Assassins will once again ride the vaunted backfield duo of Jamaal Charles and Shady McCoy, who rank 1 and 2 in RB scoring. In addition, Victor Cruz looks to shake off two down weeks against the very forgiving Vikings. Will rookie sensation and recent free agent hire Keenan Allen get his first start? Stay tuned.

Tough one to call. Assassins can’t win ’em all (BOOO!!). Blabber Mouths by 8.

3. Week 6 ballers, yo

justin-blackmonA.J. Green (Armpits) – Welcome back to fantasy relevance, Mr. Green. After four straight sub 100-yard efforts, the Bengals beast came up huge with 103 yards and a trip-six.

Stevan Ridley (Steelcats) – Welcome back to fantasy relevance, Mr. Ridley. Scored his first two touchdowns of the year and rolled up 96 yards in helping the ‘Cats win their second straight and move into a three-way tie for first in the New York Division.

Justin Blackmon (Copperpots) – 14 grabs for 190. Dude is a monster, even with the horribly ineffective Chad Henne under center.

2. Bucs fans never disappoint (unlike their team)

tebow-tampamrsaBible-beating quarterbacks and staph infections go together likes peas and carrots.

1. Rain fire on them


Matt Ryan – Life without Julio Jones and a healthy Roddy White isn’t going to be pleasant.

Rashard Mendenhall – When the fuck will Bruce Arians admit this clown is useless and hand the job to Andre Ellington?

Trent Richardson – 35-year-old Edgerrin James can hit a hole quicker than this stiff.

Marques Colston – 2.7 points in his last two games. Hasn’t scored a TD since Week 1. Has zero 100-yard games. Punt.

Dwayne Bowe – Alex Smith = wide receiver poison.


Auf weidersein, bitches. I leave you with this.


I’ll be back..

The Superlative and Substandard of Week 6

Mediocre is the new awesome.

What in Sam Hill is going on in the Gulfman League this season? Seven 2-4 teams? Only three winning records? The Lame Excuses undefeated? It’s Fantasy Football Bizarro World and I for one am flummoxed. Left is right, up is down, ugly is pretty, putrid is sweet. What to make of this calamity? It’s too easy to blame all us owners for awful drafting and coaching, so I’m pointing the finger of blame squarely at the NFL.

I blame assholes like Chris Johnson and DeAngelo Williams for shitting the sheets after signing lucrative contract extensions. I blame belong-in-the-UFL quarterbacks like Rex Grossman, Kevin Kolb, Alex Smith and Tarvaris Jackson. I blame overrated coaches like Rex Ryan and Mike Smith.

I blame hamstring pulls, high ankle sprains and shredded ACLs. I blame Peyton Manning’s fused neck. I blame weaklings like Felix Jones, Percy Harvin and Joseph Addai for never, ever, ever staying healthy.

I blame stupid organizations like the Jaguars, Bears, 49ers and Rams for refusing to draft quality pass catchers. I blame “geniuses” like Mike McCarthy, Mike Shanahan, Gary Kubiak and Sean Payton for rotating running backs on a whim. I blame a slew of false-start and holding penalties.

I blame the Jets for perpetuating the myth a bozo like Mark Sanchez is a starting quarterback. I blame the Miami Dolphins for not drafting a quarterback in the first-round since Dan Marino retired in 1999. I blame the Minnesota Vikings for continually marching out washed-up has-beens at quarterback.

But most of all I blame fantasy football for placing head-to-head records above total points scored. It makes zero sense.


Behold, bullet points!

  • Cam Newton has six rushing touchdowns in six games. Mike Vick has zero.
  • Philip Rivers has six passing touchdowns in five games. Alex Smith and Colt McCoy both have eight.
  • Fred Jackson has scored over 22 points four times. Rashard Mendenhall has scored over 22 points zero times.
  • Frank Gore has 60.8 points in the last three weeks. Maurice Jones-Drew has 33.6.
  • Wes Welker has been targeted 75 times in six games. Santonio Holmes has been targeted 38 times in six games.
  • Steve Smith is averaging 21.1 yards per catch. Roddy White is averaging 11.0 yards per catch.
  • Jimmy Graham has 620 yards receiving in six games. Jermichael Finley has 321. Vernon Davis has 271. Dallas Clark has 189.
  • The Lame Excuses have the 8th ranked quarterback in scoring but lead the points standings by 77. Insert ‘quarterbacks are overvalued’ rant here.

Now is the time at Stud Running Back when we exploit chicks for being hot and/or slutty. It’s childish and boorish and totally sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls, which is precisely why we do it.

The Stacy Keibler Wonders of the Week

Indiana Obesities (112.2 points) – George Clooney gets it. He’s a massive Hollywood star/accomplished director with a fat bank account and enviable hairline. He owns a mansion is Los Angeles and a villa in Italy. He’s an Oscar winner.  He once had a dog that died from a rattlesnake bite. He’s been trashed on South Park and laughed about it later. And he’s single. To wit, he bangs nothing but gorgeous models without the threat of losing half his earnings in a bitter public divorce settlement. His latest conquest is former WWE diva Stacy Keibler and her ample derriere. I bow to George Clooney.

The rotund Midwesterners finally got production from the underachieving backfield of Bradshaw and Mendenhall. The duo netted half of the weekly total and made up for another lackluster performance from Roddy White. Cam Newton salvaged a poor passing effort with a rushing touchdown and Aaron Hernandez once again padded his draft day steal status. However, it could be rough sailing for the overeaters in Week 7. Bradshaw, Stevie Johnson and Hernandez are all on a bye. Good luck with that.

The Chaz Bono Disasters of the Week

Steelcats (42.7 points) – What is Chaz Bono? Man? Woman? She-Beast? Bearded tranny? Sons of Anarchy extra? Sexually confused monstrosity desperate for attention from celebrity mommy? Whatever he, she or it is matters little in the grand scheme of things. Once the media finds another freak to fawn over, Chaz will retire to the D-list trailer park with a lifetime supply of disposable razors and wife-beaters, waiting by the phone for Celebrity Fit Club to call.

Yikes, this was ghastly. The ‘Cats lost Jason Campbell in the first half to a snapped collarbone, got a big fat zip from Timmy Hightower and due to injuries/byes were forced to start Bernard Scott and Kevin Walter. The result was the lowest point total in the Gulfman League season thus far. Ouch. The backfield is a mess, Andre Johnson is still hurt and Philip Rivers is playing like Philip Driedupcreekbed. Bowe and Fitzy return this week which should help. Unfortunately, the Hartstoppers are next on the schedule.

Toss ’em on the Dung Heap

The following clods should be benched or dropped.

Mike Williams (Bucs) – He was targeted 13 times in Week 6 but managed only six catches for 59 yards. He’s scored only once. I smell the second coming of Michael Clayton.

Green Bay running backs – Fuck you, Mike McCarthy. I hope you and your multiple Super Bowl rings burn in Hell after you die.

Tim Hightower (Redskins) – See above — just switch out McCarthy with Shanahan.

Peyton Hillis (Browns) – Screw the Madden Curse. This guy just isn’t very good.

All Saints pass catchers not named Graham or Colston – Sure, Moore, Meachem and Henderson will all have big games in the future. Good luck guessing when that will be.

Reggie Bush (Dolphins) – He finally showed signs of life on Monday night then promptly got hurt. He’s garbage.

Plaxico Burress (Jets) – And I thought Randy Moss ran lazy routes.

Chad Johnson (?) – The Patriots media guide says Chad is on the roster, but you wouldn’t know that if you watched any of their games. He’s like Keyser Soze.

Speaking of gone…

Week 6 Recap


I'm tellin' you Ben, that's water on the moon!

Week six of the fantasy football season saw a return to form of sorts. Brady, Brees, Thomas Jones, DeAngelo Williams, Randy Moss and Wes Welker all renewed their stud cards. How long this revival will last is anyone’s guess. I’m sure Sammi Stroughter will rack 200 yards receiving next week to throw another fly in the ointment.

Travelin’ Fools 96, Steelcats 86 – Fools keep a rollin’ thanks to a Raider. Zach Miller’s 19 points was the difference in an otherwise even matchup. Drew Brees bounced back from a two-week slide with 30, but it wasn’t enough to give the Cats a win.

Savage Animal 71, Lame Excuses 68 – Down thirty entering the Monday night affair, things looked bleak for Savage. An inspired Denver D/ST dropped 17 to help leapfrog the lame ones. Animal avoids a disastrous 1-5 start.

Blind Monkeys 127, The Negotiators 72 – The visibly impaired primates are a juggernaut. Double digits from seven of eight starters is mighty impressive. A pair of goose eggs and Braylon Edwards crawling back into his cavern of suck doomed the deal makers.

Syracuse ManahManah 100, Furry Beasts 84 – 55 points from their runners and a rare good effort from Lee Evans was all it took for the ‘Cuse to notch a W. Hines Ward showed up for the Beasts, but he was all by his lonesome.

Argentina Mistresses 90, Veronica 87 – The Mistresses starting backfield netted a paltry five points, but Golden Boy Tom’s 37 secure the victory. Great outings by DeAngelo and Colston went for naught. Veronica falls to 3-3.

Walker’s Talkers 65, Arkansas PurtyMouths 57 – The shit bowl game of the week was headlined by Hasselbeck versus Campbell. This deplorable duo combined to score nine points. Randy Moss was good for 30, which gave Walker’s loquacious crew an ugly win.

The NY Division continues to be a two horse race, while the Carolina Division is a tangled web. Let’s dole out some hardware, shall we.

Happy Clowns


Tom Brady – He’s got three rings, boatloads of cash, a supermodel chick and the love of every referee in the league. Life is good for Tom Brady. Five touchdowns in a quarter and six for the game is very 2007-like for Golden Boy Tommy. And he did it in the snow. Damn, is he dreamy. I wish he was on my fake team. Maybe I can trade two yards per carry Matt Forte and forgot how to score touchdowns Greg Jennings to get him. Yeah, right.

DeAngelo Williams – Playing Tampa is like a day at the spa. Relaxing, refreshing and therapeutic. Just ask DeAngelo Williams, who had been waving his bust card proudly prior to Sunday’s 152-yard, two touchdown explosion. The Bucs woeful defense was even gracious enough to allow Williams’ backfield mate Jonathan Stewart and his perpetually sore Achilles to rumble for 110 and a touch. I wonder who Tampa will take with the #1 pick next April? A defender seems sensible.

Thomas Jones – The Jets lost Sunday because Rex Ryan is an idiot and Mark Sanchez is a spaz. It had nothing to do with Jones, who racked 227 total yards and a trip six. I thought 31-year-old backs were supposed to be filming ill-conceived commercials for their used car lot, not rushing for two-hundred on Sundays.

Honorable mention: MJD, Randy Moss and Wes Welker. All three delivered their best performance of the ’09 season. Playing the Rams and Titans appears to be the cure for what ails slumping studs.

Sad Clowns


The Philadelphia Eagles – The entire Eagles organization should be shot, hung and burned for the pathetic display of football they decided to play on Sunday versus the abysmal Raiders. Normally, when being blitzed into oblivion, well-coached teams turn to the running game to help alleviate pressure on the quarterback. Not Andy Reid. He chose to throw it 46 times and run it 14. Telling evidence as to why the Eagles have never and will never win a championship as long as Reid is coach. He is an incompetent buffoon.

Mark Sanchez – When a cold weather team is in the market for a new quarterback, they might want to draft someone who has actually played in cold weather at least once in his life. Mark Sanchez tossed five picks in the overtime extravaganza with the Bills, bringing his season total to ten. The male model with the winning smile is doing a lot of losing lately. No biggie. I’m sure the New York fans and media will cut him some slack.

Eli Manning – Eli Manning left shit stains all over the Superdome turf on Sunday. 178 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT won’t cut the mustard when the Giants defense looks like Night of the Living Dead. Why do I get the feeling Peyton would have carved up the Saints secondary for 300+ and four touchdowns? Oh yeah, because Peyton is really good. Eli isn’t.

Beard of the Week: Robert Gallery


Wasn’t he in Braveheart? That is a Scottish highlander beard if I ever saw one. Gallery is a first-round bust who can’t stay healthy, but his man mane is worthy of consideration in the beard Hall of Fame. I suggest he tie a couple rubber bands in that beauty to honor the late great Captain Lou Albano.

Break Out The Iron Maiden


Last week I suggested Derek Anderson be stuffed into an iron maiden for his horrendous signal calling. Well, I’ve got another candidate for the medieval torture device. Brandon Jacobs. This tub of guts has one friggin’ touchdown in six games. Sounds to me like BJ needs a weight loss program. A couple days inside the maiden will cut the fat.

They Shoot Bears Running Backs, Don’t They?


Matt Forte fu**ing blows!! Thanks for living up to your #3 overall draft status, you worthless piece of refuse. You and your invisible ass has ruined one of my phony squads. I should have learned my lesson with Bears backs a few years ago when I selected Cedric Benson in the second round. I’m a dolt, but Matt Forte still sucks.

Bowl of Rice


There was plenty of rice being thrown around in the Ravens-Vikings thriller. Ray “Fried” Rice totaled 194 yards and two touchdowns. Sidney Rice “Pilaf” caught six balls for 176. It was like SE Asia out there. I kept waiting for a Viet Cong ambush. Speaking of VC — let’s “GET SOME!”

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Mark Sanchez


I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Being an NFL starting quarterback must really suck. Stacks of cash, prime seating at fine eateries and tons of hot ass to bed seems like a nightmarish existence. I’m certain Hilary Rhoda is dating Mark Sanchez because of his biting sense of humor and the fact that he’s a great listener. Sanchez better enjoy the grade A tail while it lasts, because when he’s battling for the Lions backup job in three years, he’ll be lucky to nail a JC Penney catalog model.

Wave goodbye to week six. I was prepared to put my entire shitty roster on the trading block, but I’ll hold off for another week. Stud out.